Vayechi english 2013

ART OF APOLOGY  

Erev Yom Kippur, I witnessed something very sad. The Jewish Law is that Yom Kippur cleanses only sins between Man and G-d. But if you sinned against a fellow Jew, after Yom Kippur you will still have that sin on your records – unless you ask for forgiveness. You need to apologize. Now, we all make mistakes, and we all need to ask forgiveness, some time or another in life. Many wait for Yom Kippur eve, and “by the way” ask people for forgiveness. “Are you mochel me? “ “Do you forgive me?” Some people do not even ask forgiveness on Yom Kippur eve. They feel embarrassed, do not know how to do it, do not believe that forgiveness is attainable,  or all of the above. What I witnessed Yom Kippur eve was sad. One sibling waited a couple of years to muster up the courage to ask another sibling on Yom Kippur eve to forgive and leave things behind them. But, the other sibling just turned around and walked away. A few more attempts, and the sibling who was being approached just said to the one asking forgiveness to “go get a life”. It was too late, too close to Yom Kippur, and the bad feelings and sins between the two of them would linger on for a very long time. Too long. Unless they would learn how to ask forgiveness. It is sad, because one sibling really wanted to change the relationship for the better. He really wanted to move on. And now, after having been turned away, the animosity just grew.

People rely on the dictum that if you ask for forgiveness three times and are rejected, the sin is no longer yours, but belongs, now, to  the person you sinned against. People forget to read the words of our rabbis closely. Our Rabbis tell us that it is not enough to ask “Are you Mochel me?” three times. We need something calledופיוס  דברי ריצוי , and עד שירצה את חבירו. What are these things?  After learning this article you will know what they are, and you will know how to ask forgiveness. It boils down to the old rule of successful communication, it is not what you say, but how you say it.

On the way back from Yaakov’s funeral, Yosef stopped by the pit that the brothers had thrown him into. As Yosef just stood there, looking over the pit, the brothers observed Yosef mumbling something to himself. They figured that now that his father was no longer living, Yosef was plotting revenge against them.  (Yosef was actually blessing G-d at the pit ברוך… שעשה לי נס במקום הזה  , for making a miracle for Yosef in that place, the place where he almost died.)  Also, after Yaakov’s death, the brothers noticed that Yosef did not invite them to eat with him at his palace anymore. They assumed that that, also, was because he wanted to take revenge. (But Yosef was actually just not sure how to make the seating arrangements in such a way that no one would get insulted. While Yaakov was alive, he, himself, would make the seating arrangements, putting Yosef at the head of the table.)  The Torah tells us that the brothers feared Yosef’s revenge, and that is why they asked forgiveness.

Also, the brothers did not apologize themselves; rather, they asked the brothers closest to Yosef,(sons of his mother’s maid, Bilhah, whom he was close to) to ask forgiveness on their behalf. Rabbeinu Bachyeh tells us something very important. Yosef told them they did not need to worry. He never literally told them “I forgive you”.  And because he never explicitly said, “I forgive you “, the sin was never forgiven. This, despite the fact that Yosef forgave them wholeheartedly, and he even cried when they suspected him of planning to take revenge. Still, Rabbeinu Bachye says because there was not an explicit “I forgive you”, the Jewish people needed to suffer the loss of the עשרה הרוגי מלכות , the Ten Martyrs many years later. Ten martyrs, for the sin of each one of the ten tribes. All because the apology was incomplete.

So, I researched the best way to apologize, to make the apology complete.  Step one. Remorse. “I am sorry…” “I apologize…” But do not stop! The problem with just saying these two words alone, is that “Sorry, Excuse me, I apologize, Slicha” are used too freely. The remorse needs to sound genuine. If it is not genuine, it can make the original insult even stronger. Even if it is authentic, but if it sounds fake, it has an opposite effect. The way to properly express remorse is to fill up the sentence, explaining specifically what you are sorry about. This does not mean bringing up the sin, but דברי ריצוי. I apologize for talking in a way that was out of line. Not, I apologize for calling you stupid, which could be another sin in of itself, for repeating the insult and bringing him back to the pain. The דברי ריצוי  is showing that you wish to make amends. If there is anything I can do to make things better, let me know. I promise that I will do my best. This is from the most powerful parts of the apology .

We see that Yaakov asked forgiveness this way.  When Yaakov apologized to Yosef for not burying Rachel in Maarat Hamachpella but on the road, Yaakov did not just say he was sorry, “It was out of my hands”.  Yaakov explained himself at length, defining exactly what he was sorry about and the circumstances that brought him to act as he did. (See Rashi and Midrashim, four reasons that Yaakov told Yosef why he buried Rachel in Beth Lechem).

Point two. If the person has other reasons why he is apologizing, such as fear, it also makes the apology come across as weak. This is why waiting for Yom Kippur to start the apology process is not advisable. Erev Yom Kippur is a time to ask for forgiveness, after first having made amends a while previously. Otherwise, it might look cheap, as if you are not remorseful about the sinful act, but nervous about Yom Kippur. The person feels forced to forgive, but your relationship with him will stay bleak. It is not only for religious reasons that you need to apologize, to cleanse yourself from sin. It is to improve your relationships.  Just hear the thought, “Just because you have Yom Kippur to worry about, that doesn’t mean I should accept your apology.”

Even in accepting apology, it is important not to keep it short. Yosef answered the apology saying, “Do not fear…  התחת אלקים אני  Am I instead of G-d? I can’t harm you, even if I wanted to. Because of you, my brothers, the Egyptians realized that I am not a slave, but that I am part of a prestigious family. If I will harm you, the Egyptians will deduce that you must not be my brothers, “Did you ever see a brother kill his own brother?”  This is strange. The same reason that Yosef told them why he would not kill them, that same reason was great rebuke to his brothers who did try to kill their own brother. How could Yosef bring up the argument that a normal man would not kill his brother, something that they actually plotted to do? This was a time that they were expressing remorse!  We see from here what Yosef was telling them, and what was in Yosef’s mind.  Yosef told them, When you sold me, when you wanted to kill me, it could not make sense unless G-d had wanted you to think in such a way. For even an Egyptian knows that a brother does not kill a brother. The only reason you thought in such a way must be because G-d had a plan. G-d must have put such thoughts in your minds. (The Midrashim tell us that immediately after selling Yosef, the brothers did not understand how they could have done such a thing.) Yosef was able to forgive them, because he was able to see G-d in the picture. Either way, Yosef consoled his brothers at length, telling them two things. They had nothing to worry about (אל תיראו), and that they were not to blame (התחת אלקים אני). If a person accepts apology and shows the offender that he understands him and that he is not to blame, the original, good relationship will be immediately restored.

And a few more pointers . Point 3. The person who did something wrong should, himself, come and ask forgiveness. It is part of the expression of sincere remorse. Point 4. It is important not to give excuses for your behavior, in a way that sounds as if your are not taking responsibility for what you did. When you take responsibility and promise that it won’t happen again, there is a greater chance that the other person will forgive you. (This does not mean to take too much responsibility). Point 5. Never expect forgiveness right away. It takes time for the hurt person to get over his feelings and recover from the painful incident.

When you apologize properly, people will forgive. All you have to do is to remember to say SORRY.

Sentence: Short, Sincere, but full sentence. Obligate yourself to make amends. Responsibility for the insult, no excuses. Rest. Let it sink in. Never demand forgiveness, let the other person know that you understand him, if it is hard for him to forgive .Yourself. Apologize in person.

RUNNING LIKE WATER