parashat devarim – english
–THE MONTH OF AV – THE MONTH OF “FATHER”–
—–A STEP TOWARDS “אהבת חינם”——–
——AVOIDING AVOIDANCE——-
–THE MONTH OF AV – THE MONTH OF “FATHER”–
A year and a half ago, newspaper headlines reported the tragic death of David Cohen (details have been changed in deference to the family) and his wife, of blessed memory, in a car crash. Several other members of the family were also killed in the crash. A year and a half later, his son-in-law, Michael Levy, put aside his busy business schedule, and came to Jerusalem for a Torah study break. He joined his brother, a Torah scholar, at the largest yeshivah in the world, Yeshivat Mir. After a week of intensive study together with Talmudic scholars of the highest caliber, Michael was asked to share his thoughts with the group on the national mourning period known as the “Three Weeks,” as well as some impressions of his late father-in-law, David Cohen. His words brought the group of Torah scholars to tears.
Among other things, he noted that the month of Av is the only month in the Jewish calendar whose name has meaning in the Hebrew language. Av means father. Why, he asked, is the month in which we mark the Destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple called father?
Before answering his own provocative question, Michael turned to his family tragedy, and how they are trying to deal with the enormous loss:
Not long ago, I found my orphaned 16 year-old sister-in-law crying about her difficulties in school and with friends among other worries. Her tears were connected with everything a normal girl her age cries about. I could not hold back my own tears as I tried to put things in perspective for her: “You are probably expecting a different answer to each one of your questions since they are essentially unrelated. But, in a sense, there is actually a single answer to all you questions. The difficulties that you are going through are experienced by many girls your age, and they usually deal with them successfully by turning to their mother or father for encouragement and advice. Without a father and mother, however, so many things are harder for a teenager.” Parents are the solution that my sister-in-law needs, but no-one can supply that solution.
Throughout Jewish history, our nation suffered many losses during the period between the two fasts which mark the beginning and end of the “Three Weeks.” And we continue to cry for each loss. Like Michael Cohen’s sister-in-law, we might be tempted to look for a separate answer or explanation for each tragedy, both personal and national. We look for someone to cry to – not knowing how to deal with the hardships. But the truth is that there is really a single answer to all our questions:אב /father. We have a Father in Heaven, and He wants us to come to Him for support. He wants us to realize that we don’t have a series of individual problems, but rather one big problem – our distance from Him. This should be our focus during these days: to recognize how we have compromised our relationship with our Father in Heaven, and to do everything in our power to strengthen it.
A Father’s Love
A father’s relationship with his child is different from that of a mother. A mother typically builds a very open love relationship. A father, on the other hand, builds a relationship of love where the love is often concealed. Indeed, a father with a busy schedule may show a minimum of outward affection towards his child. But if something should happen to the child, G-d forbid, the father’s tender love comes out into the open, and he will endure tremendous self-sacrifice to do whatever needs to be done for the child’s sake.
There is also another striking difference between the father’s and mother’s relationship to a child. A child is often more cautious about making his embarrassment known to his father. While he might typically ask his mother not to relate his transgressions to his father, he is not likely to ask his father to refrain from revealing misbehavior to the mother. A child often feels that his mother accepts him however he is, but his father has certain standards that he will not readily compromise. Ideally, when the father does not show acceptance of the child’s behavior – but rather puts on a display of disapproval – the child eventually improves his behavior. Our relationship to G-d – especially during this month of Av – is similar to this father/child relationship.
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As we approach Tisha b’Av, we have to remember that our emotional pain on both the national and personal level is not in the least bit comparable to that of our Father in Heaven. It is one thing to cry during these Three Weeks over our personal suffering. A higher level is to cry over our national tragedies. But the highest level is to cry over the suffering and pain that we have caused Our Father in Heaven by our misconduct.
May our tears overflow and join with the tears of all Jews in pain who cry “Father!” on Tisha b’Av , and may we rejoice together in the rebuilt holy city of Jersualem. Amen.
—–A STEP TOWARDS “אהבת חינם”——–
Our Sages tell us that the reason for the Destruction of the Second Temple and the Dispersion of our People among the nations was שנאת חנם – hatred without cause. And only אהבת חינם – love without cause – can bring about the rebuilding of the Temple and the end of our bitter Exile.
I know someone who took this truth to heart, and made a special effort to generate ahavat chinam (love without cause). When he would walk into a room, he would ask himself: “Can I find it in myself to respect and love each and every Jew in this room?” While this approach is certainly commendable, I don’t think it can begin to solve our problem because its effect is likely to be limited. Most people would not be aware of what this individual is thinking. But if the question is modified slightly, I think that it could begin to create a revolution. Indeed, it is particularly appropriate during the “Three Weeks.” The question we should be asking ourselves is: “How can I make everyone around me feel that I love them, or at least respect them?”
We tend to think that the way we can show people that we love them is by giving them presents or by doing them favors. But the truth is otherwise, as a wise man once said: “At the end, what we remember the most is not what someone did for us, but how they made us feel .” How can we make those around us feel good? By taking a genuine interest in how they are doing, and by smiling at them. Our Sages see this hinted in the words of the Torah “ולבן שיניים מחלב” . As they put it: It is better to show the white teeth of a genuine smile than to give a cup of milk. (:כתובות קיא) .
Unfortunately, we think that we are being especially nice if we smile at someone to brighten up their day. This is a big mistake. The truth is that we can actually mess up someone’s day by greeting them without a smile. Thus, ourSages tell us that this is our responsibility not to welcome someone with a sour face. If we do so, we are doing the other party an injustice. Elsewhere, our Sages put the matter even more dramatically: If one were to give all the presents in the world with a sour face, it is as if he gave nothing. However if he accepts another with a smile, although he may not have given anything, it is as if he gave all the presents in the world.” (Avot of R’ Natan, end of Ch.13)
The reason is that when you accept someone with a smile, it shows that you value him and care about him. And that is the present everyone wants. A present is only a “token of appreciation,” but a smile is appreciation itself.
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Just the other day while I was on the way to morning prayers, a woman jogging with her dog passed me by. I could not help but notice her T-shirt: “No one understands me except for my dog!” It is no coincidence that the Hebrew word for dog is כלב , a word which hints at the dog’s essence: כל לב all heart. The dog is “man’s best friend,” and probably the world’s most popular pet because, when the owner comes home, the dog displays excitement to see him back. The owner feels the “heart” of the dog. It has not been proven if animals are capable of real emotions, but dog owners all swear that they are.
We should not be too proud to learn something from the dog . Smiling and showing excitement when we greet others is the way to make them feel good – and “understood.” It is also an efficient way to melt senseless hate, and bind Jewish hearts together. Only then will we merit to see the Temple once again standing on its foundation.
——AVOIDING AVOIDANCE——-
In Jerusalem, it is possible to find something to do on Tisha b’Av, such as sleeping over at the Kotel (Western Wall) or walking on the broad city walls from the Tower of David all the way to the Kotel. Some people take the time and effort to travel to Kever Rachel. The Prophet tells us that Rachel continues to cry for her children in Exile to come back toIsrael. Indeed, our redemption would be impossible without Rachel’s precious tears and prayers. This brings many to pray for the Final Redemption at her gravesite on the day of national mourning.
Outside ofJerusalem– and especially outside ofIsrael– it seems as if there is nothing to do on Tisha b’Av. As a matter of fact, though, this is really in keeping with the character of the day. In a sense, Tisha b’Av is the only day on the Jewish calendar that we are not supposed to be doing much of anything. Of course, we do sit on the floor without regular shoes and mourn both at night and the following morning. We read and learn about the Destruction of theTemple, and about the sad events of Jewish history. But practically nothing else. Why?
Running around going places, doing things, and switching from activity to activity prevent us from focusing on meaning and purpose in life. Some people put much of blame on the internet, where you can be in middle of one media file, and just switch to another one. The low attention span of our generation is reflected in the length of the average newspaper and magazine article. Ten years ago, the average article was about 2,000 words. Five years ago, it was down to 1,000. And now it is down further to about 650 words. At this rate, our grandchildren will not want to read anything longer than 50 words unless there is a big picture. One of my teachers quipped: If you want to destroyAmericain one day, disable all electronic devices. The suicide rate will go up 80% because people will have to think about life’s purpose and why we were put here on earth.
Our Rabbis commented that a mourner has no mouth: אבל אין לו פה . This means that a mourner is not able to verbalize his feelings. Many visitors to a house of mourning during the shiva wonder about the right thing to say to a mourner. The answer is: nothing. One is supposed to sit there quietly and listen to whatever the mourner is able to say out of the mixed emotions he is experiencing. Except for words of consolation- nothing else. Just sitting with him or her, and empathizing, is the greatest thing one can do for a mourner. The same is true when mourning over the Temple. We are supposed to sit quietly, and let our emotions come to the fore.
Many are not sure how to do this. I would like to suggest one technique here, based on the simple fact that emotions are osmotic. When you sit with someone who is sad, you naturally become sad as well. When you sit with someone who is laughing, you are inclined to laugh along with him. Movie producers who want you to get emotional will put a tear on the cheek of one of the actors. For a comedy show, they will get people to laugh in the audience to make you laugh as well. Indeed, tiredness also seems to be osmotic. When you see someone else yawn – the body’s way of expressing tiredness – you might soon find yourself yawning as well.
Applying this to Tisha b’Av, one who has trouble feeling the appropriate emotions of the day of national mourning would do well to attend a minyan where the participants put their hearts into the Kinot and Eicha reading. Attending a powerful class on the Destruction of theTemple and related subjects is also highly recommended. If we can succeed in marking Tisha b’Av properly, there is little doubt that it will enhance our perspective on the rest of the Jewish calendar as well.