ENGLISH – KI TISA 2013
REFRAMING QUARRELS WITH LOVE
Many couples live under the mistaken impression that shalom bayit (tranquility at home) means no fighting. This is very untrue. Shalom bayit means knowing how to fight. It means knowing how to make up. No two people are identical, and neither are their life perspectives. True love is existent in the new couple after their first disagreement. Until then, they simply did not know each other. Knowing how to disagree, without being degrading or insulting, means that there is mutual respect. Making up and compromising means that the relationship is more important than the topic at hand. Many times, this requires a sense of reframing, a change in the way things are perceived.
Although the Jews sinned with the golden calf right after their commitment to G-d at Mt. Sinai, G-d showed us that He still desired to be among us. He told us that He wanted to be among us in a Mishkan. This was the display of love that was greater than the offense.
Strangely, the Torah writes that it was not so simple. G-d told Moshe וביום פקדי ופקדתי עלהם חטאתם (32: 34) “And on the day that I make My account, I shall remember their Sin.” Rashi comments here that throughout the generations, when the Jews must suffer, G-d adds to their trials a bit of punishment for the Sin of the calf. If He were to have visited the whole punishment upon us all at once, we would have been annihilated! G-d broke the punishment to a “swallowable bite- size.”
R’ Levi Yitzchak of Berdichev was troubled very much by this. How could the All Merciful G-d write in His Torah that He would never forget our Sin, even after repentance?
R’ Levi Yitzchak, as he always does, was able to reframe even the greatest of sins. He pointed to the Talmud (Berachot 32) that G-d will actually “forget” the Sin following our repentance. Rather, the idea of the passuk is that G-d will never forget the Sin of the calf in the sense that we had Free Will then. When someone comes from a pious family and grows up to be pious, no eyebrows are raised. On the other hand, when someone pious comes from a house in which the family members and their ancestors were anything but pious- this amazes people. When the Jews accepted the Torah, this did not show anything special about them – for the Jews were the descendants of the Holy Forefathers. What else could we expect from the descendents of such a family? This was who they were naturally.
When they sinned with the calf, this displayed that they actually were not pious at the core. It showed that the people who accepted the Torah did so, not only because they followed in their parents’ way; rather, it was because they overcame their desires. They rose to the challenge. When the Jews repent for such a sin, it is through a battle against an inner instinct for evil that all humanity must overcome. It shows that we were not naturally pious.
G-d will remember this Sin of the calf on the days of wrath. He will remember the inner power struggle between good and evil: that we decided of our own free will to listen to the Yetzer tov to accept the Torah. That we decided of our own free will to repent from the Sin. With this in mind and with the positive way in which He will look at it, G-d will count this for our merit.
In marital harmony, we can reframe the fights of the past and turn them into signs of love. This is the way of G-d. We are commanded to follow.
TONGUE TWISTERS
“What makes Lashon Hakodesh holy?” When I asked my seven-year-old son this question, he suggested that lashon hakodesh is the language Hashem uses. Hashem is kadosh, He is Holy, and so His Language must be a holy language. I was delighted to see this explanation mentioned in the Ramban in this week’s parasha (Shemot 30;13) . He explains that the holiness of Lashon Hakodesh stems from the fact that Hashem Himself uses this language. He created the world with it, His holy Names are in this language and He spoke to the Jewish Nation in this language at Mount Sinai.
The Rambam, in Moreh Nevuchim, gives an entirely different explanation. Lashon Hakodesh is holy because it is a “clean language”, without any immoral words in its lexicon. If the Torah has to discuss an impure topic or subject, it will use “hint words” and not harsh or blunt language . For example, when describing a non-kosher animal, the Torah avoids usage of the word “טמא ” and instead describes the animal as “אינה טהורה ” (not clean or not pure). The absence of unrefined or impure terminology is what makes the rest of the language holy. How can we understand this?
Allow me to ask you a question. If we tested two fathers who are dealing with misbehavior of a child and one father says to the child, “You get me so angry” or “I’m fuming” when his child misbehaves, and the other chooses to say, “I’m not happy about this” or “I’m disappointed with your behavior”, which one of the two will be more difficult to calm down ? There is no question that the one with the more dramatic and abrasive statements will need to work a lot harder than the other father to overcome his wrath. By simply substituting the words “angry” and “fuming” with lighter words, one’s entire state is changed from ‘angry’ to ‘disapproving’. One’s lexicon is what defines his mental and emotional state.
This is not a new concept. The Ramban, in Igeret HaRamban, advises: “תתנהג תמיד לדבר כל דבריך בנחת “, to speak calmly always in order to be saved from inner feelings of anger. Speaking calmly has two components: tone and lexicon. Speaking calmly creates a relaxed state that will affect our inner feelings. If one were to try and control his anger by eliminating the factors that cause him to become angry, he wouldn’t succeed. There are simply too many triggers, and many are beyond control. The Ramban’s method is, actually, a shortcut to relaxation of the mind and spirit. When one feels himself becoming agitated, the first thing he should do is stop and think how to begin speaking calmly. Calm speech helps one’s whole being to maintain its cool. It is important to note that this method is effective only when done on a consistent basis. As mentioned earlier, the Ramban in his letter stressed – “תתנהג תמיד לדבר כל דבריך בנחת ” – “One should accustom himself to speak calmly always.” Get into the constant habit ..
We have determined, so far, that using a more refined lexicon leads to moral thoughts, and the body follows suit. Implementing purity of speech leads not only to purity of our state of mind, but also extends even further to purity in “mundane”, external behaviors . Once one becomes accustomed to speaking in a pure way and thinking in a pure way, his actions also become influenced in this manner. One of my rabbis would occasionally remind us that the conduct of dressing modestly, even in the most private of rooms, will affect one’s thoughts to be more pure. One thing leads to the next.
We read each day in the Ketoret ושחקת ממנה הדק ( Shemot 30; 36) : while the kohen was grinding the incense offering, he would crush it and say, “very thin, very thin”, because his voice had a positive effect on the fineness of the incense . In contrast, when preparing the wine offerings on the Mizbe’ach (Menahot 87), the kohen must be silent. Why this contrast in behavior? If speaking helped in improving the incense, why was it not used with the preparation of the wine?
To answer this question, we must look at the incense and wine metaphorically as a spiritual matter versus a material matter. It is explained that the aroma of the incense was for the benefit of the soul, not the body, making this a spiritual matter. Regarding growth in spiritual matters, constantly speaking of holy things and holy topics is an effective way to improve our progress in attaining an ever higher level. Therefore, just as the more talking the kohen did about refinement the more the outcome of the ketoret was enhanced, the more talking we do about our spiritual goals and ambitions, the more we will improve our spiritual “scent”. Wine, on the other hand, is a drink enjoyed by the body. Regarding bodily and worldly pleasures, it is best to stay silent. Minimizing speech in mundane areas ensures that the mind will remain holier. This is the reason why the Kohen must be silent while preparing wine.
Most people don’t think about these slight nuances in the correct timing and content of their conversations. Most times, it is precisely those nuances that make the difference between the holy and the impure, between the people who stay calm and those who just keep losing themselves in their anger. It is the topics of discussion that we choose and those in which we find interest that will determine who and what we are, inside and out, and the effect we choose to have on those around us.
UNDERSTANDING THE SINNER
At times, we hear very unsettling things about people we know – people who we thought of as good and honest can fall so low. There is a mitzvah to judge people favorably. That, however, is not the topic at hand. Rather, our focus is on understanding people.
It is extremely perplexing to us when we become aware of the fact that someone whom we know sinned: should I try to understand how this happened, or should I just forget about it, saying it doesn’t make any difference. Either way is fine, as long as it is not thought about too much. But at times, when the story involved someone close to us, we cannot find peace within ourselves.
There are parts of the Torah which raise complex questions. Now, just because they are complex, it does not mean that there are no answers. There are answers. And many of them are lessons for life. Here is one of them.
We know that the Jews rose to the level of angels upon receiving the Torah at Mt. Sinai. They heard G-d. They almost saw G-d. How could they plunge so deeply and swiftly to the abyss of the Sin of the Calf, a sin of idolatry, just because they thought that Moshe was a couple of hours late? Even if the Satan tricked them into thinking that Moshe was dead. And, even if it was not the whole nation that was involved… How could anyone fall into idolatry at the foot of Mt. Sinai? And even kill Hur for opposing them?
There are more than a few answers to this question. R’ Yaakov Kametzky, zt”l, answered it with a unique twist. He said that the question does not even exist! As many times in life, it becomes a question only when you do not “put yourself in the shoes” of the sinner. The Jews were, at the time, living a life of miracles. A whole nation of more than 3 million people were in the Sinai desert. They were sustained by the Manna that G-d gave them in Moshe’s merit. If he had left them, and they would not have Manna, many would die in the dessert from starvation. Their life was dependent upon miracles. Without Moshe, they would be no more than a poor nation without food. Our Rabbis tell us that a poor person is considered dead. They were in a state of mind that defied logic, a state of panic. At that time, idolatry was extremely common in the world. It was natural for people to want to serve something tangible. After our Rabbis removed the Yetzer Hara for idolatry by giving us prayer, it is, altogether, very hard for us to understand the Sin.
I believe that many times, when we do not understand the reason for a person’s downfall, and we are left with a question, it is in actual fact not a question. We are barely able to put ourselves in the shoes of anyone else, especially in the shoes of those who went through or are going through different traumas, tests or nightmares. We should, however, pray with fervor in our morning prayers- ואל תביאנו לידי ניסיון and please, do not bring me to a situation where I am tested…and, if we do ever have to face a test, that we should be strong enough to meet the challenge.
I always wondered if anyone ever tried this out or made a study on it. Do the things we say really have such an effect on the people and things around us? R’ Zamir Cohen in his book “המהפך “ introduced me to Dr. Masaru Emoto. Dr. Masaru claims that it has been scientifically proven that talking nicely to flowers makes them grow better, and the way we speak in the presence of water that is undergoing a freezing process affects its crystallization; ice crystals of water exposed to angry tones look different under a microscope from those that were exposed to calm ones.(Messages from Water by Dr. Masaru Emoto)
