THE ART OF BEING RELATABLE
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THE ART OF BEING RELATABLE
There is a concept that was talked a lot about when I was growing up in Yeshiva amongst the serious Yeshiva boys. An Olama Haba Masechta. What Masechta, tractate, are you going to master by heart, that wherever you go, you can review the Talmud, something that you can take with you to Olam Haba? (Menorat Hamaor)
I got up at 4 a.m. to write this article right in time to get it out to the printer. Wasn’t yet sure what to write, as I had a crazy week, of doing the right thing, despite how hard it is… Like apologizing to someone who I got into an argument with for getting into an argument with him, even though I was right. Working hard on a project, alone, while others, who should be more involved than me (at least so I believed), just stood by to watch. Or going to visit a friend, who was having a hard time, to be there for him, although he did not show me that he cared that much, that I took out my time to be there for him. Or turning myself into a pretzel for some of my family member, each one with what they are going through. One of the hardest laws in the Torah for me is to not hold a grudge. וְלֹֽא־תִטֹּר֙ . We are commanded to just let go of things, and allow life to go on. This is the only way that the world can survive. (Rambam Deot 7:8)
Then, while saying Birkot Hashahar I said, in my prayer, וְכֹף אֶת־יִצְרִי לְהִשְׁתַּעְבֶּד־לָךְ, G-d, help me win my Yetzer Hara, to be subservient to You! Then, I realized something amazing. THIS WOULD BE MY OLAM HAZEH PRAYER. Yep. I just made that up. Imagine a prayer, that you have with you, on your lips, wherever you are in life. I don’t have an Olam Haba Masechta, to take with me to the next world. But at least I could have, an Olam Hazeh Tefilah, something that can take me through this world!
One of the ways to get on with life, to get over grudges, to smile through the stress, to serve G-d out of happiness despite the crisis of life, of the many things of self-care, is a sense of humor. To learn to laugh. I just heard in Israel a bad joke. They call it here, הומור שחור. Here is an example of “Black Humor.” It has nothing to do with black people. “There was once a woman who was dragging a couch down the stair case in her apartment building. A man saw her, and said, “Hey, wait for your husband!” She responded, “What husband are you talking about? The couch will be much heavier if my husband would be here. He would be sitting on it!”
Here is another. 2 old women were sitting on a bench for many hours. One said to the other, Fruma, do you smell this horrible smell? It smells like a corpse!… FRUMA!!!!!!
I swim weekly Fridays in the School for the Blind pool in Jerusalem, an Olympic pool with separate hours, where serious swimmers come to do laps. There is a sauna there, that I go into, when I get tired from laps. Each Friday, at that hour, there are the same guys there, in the sauna. One guy, each week, lays down with his feet up, with socks covering his feet halfway, something strange. To break the silence I said, two weeks ago, “There is a statistic that says, that if you see someone in the sauna, laying down with his socks on half way, most chances, you will see him again laying there in the sauna with socks half on, each week! One Hassidic, two French guys who did Aliyah, a Kollel guy, and the guy laying down, broke out in laughter.
As we continued to sit in the shvitz, sweating away, each one sitting silently, long enough to show how we are so manly and can sweat it out more than the next guy, I broke the silence again. “Does anyone know if this sweating thing even helps anyone? Does it do anything? ” They all burst out laughing again. One said, “Of course it does. Statistics say, it helps the blood circulation, and it helps the breathing!” I said, “OK. Statistics say, that a good laugh helps solve all that and more… So why do we have to all sit her sweating? Why can’t we just tell jokes instead?”
So they all challenged me, to say a joke. “I am not a funny guy. So if my joke is not funny, and you are not sure that I passed the punch line, I will bang on the wall of the sauna, like they do in shul to remind you of Yaaleh Vayavo, and you know to laugh. Do we have a deal?” They all burst out laughing, and agreed. “Ok. Here goes. There was once an older man and an older woman, who lived in the same nursing home. They were both lonely, but they liked to meet each morning to play chess. One day, this elderly man, decided to have the courage to ask the woman, for her hand in marriage. So cute, right? She said, Yes! He was so happy when he went to sleep that night, so excited. But in the morning, when he woke up, he forgot what she said! Did she say she was willing to marry him, or she refused! He did not know what to do. But while playing chess again with her that morning, he again mustered up enough courage, to ask her, what she said just yesterday. Yes or No?
The old woman looked relieved, “It is so good you asked me that this morning. Because just yesterday, I told some guy, that I would marry him, but I forgot to who!
The whole sauna burst out laughing. When they calmed down, and there was quiet again. I banged on the wall, and they burst out laughing again. We all went back into the pool for laps. As one of the laps ended, I stood there, to rest for a minute, and one of the guys from my new Erev Shabbos Sauna Comedy Club, confessed to me, that he is having a hard time swimming after the sauna. אני שוחה וצוחק , שוחה וצוחק. I am swimming, and laughing, swimming and laughing. I told him, Good. Next week, its your turn to make everyone laugh.
He said, well, next week is Parashat Terumah. That is the week that none of the cheap people come to shul. What do you call a man who moves out of Israel, marries a covert, and moves back to Israel, with his new wife, when he does Aliyah? מעלה גרה. (I can’t explain it, in English, if you did not get this one. Especially because I am Syrian community Jew, and people will take it the wrong way, with our edict about converts. Lol.)
Well, the black humor I heard yesterday, was connected to our Parasha. There was a man who asked his Rabbi for a Beracha. The Rabbi said, well if you want a Beracha that I will give you with a half a heart, it will cost you 500 shekel. If you want a Beracha with a whole heart, it will cost you 1000 shekel. The man said, What?! What type of thing is this? A Rabbi who takes money to give out blessings!? The Kohanim give out blessings, for free! And here you are, charging for your blessings! The Rabbi said, Well, look. That is why, the Kohanim go barefoot! Because they don’t charge!
Sometimes, the best Rabbis, are the ones with the best jokes. The ones who know how to make the people cheer up, and get them to laugh. כי הא דרבה, מקמי דפתח להו לרבנן אמר מילתא דבדיחותא, ובדחי רבנן. לסוף יתיב באימתא ופתח בשמעתא. Before Rabbah would give his class to the Rabbis, he would start off with something that would make every one laugh, so that people open up. Only then, would he sit with seriousness and start learning. (Shabbat 30b, Pesachim 117a)
But the best of the best Rabbis, are the ones, who are willing to go barefoot for you. The ones who will care for you, like a father cares for his son. Not that we should ever let them go without shoes. But the care that they have for us, is amazing. My mother would always tell me about Rav Ovadia Yosef. “The Rabbi used to come to Deal to give chizuk and to raise money for his institution יחוה דעת and later for Shas. He would regularly come either to eat at our house or I would prepare and bring meals to where they would be staying. One morning, as I rushed between getting the children out to school and bringing them the breakfast, I missed a step of the stairs, and I twisted my ankle in such a way that I couldn’t walk. (I tore a ligament and ended up in a boot) Abba called and apologized that breakfast would be delivered a little bit late since I had gotten hurt. (The Rabbi kept a schedule so not to waste time from his learning). Fast forward maybe 8-10 years, and when you, Yosef, went with your father and father in law, to ask the Rabbi to be marry you off, to be mesader Kiddushin, one of the first things that the Rabbi asked was how was my foot and if there was any problem with my walking! He still felt badly that I had rushed and gotten hurt while trying to serve them! He was so happy when Abba (who already forgot about my ankle) assured him that I was getting around just fine. He then said רגלי חסידיו ישמור…
The best Rabbis have a heart. The best Rabbis listen to you, better than how you listen to yourself. The best Rabbis remember you in all their prayers, and what is important to you, is important to them.
To be a Kohen, you can’t bless, unless you have no hatred in your heart, towards those you bless. When they make the blessing on the Priestly blessing, they say, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָׁנוּ בִּקְדֻשָּׁתוֹ שֶׁל אַהֲרֹן, וְצִוָּנוּ לְבָרֵךְ אֶת עַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּאַהֲבָה That He sanctified us, with the holiness of Aharon, and He commanded us, to bless His Nation, Yisrael, with love! What does that mean, that the Kohen needs to bless with love? All the mitzvoth we do, we need to do with love! A Kohen is only allowed to bless, if he loves the people he is blessing. If he has a crowd he hates, he should not bless them. (Mishnah Berurah 128;37) The source is from the story brought down in the Zohar, that a certain Kohen did not love the people he blessed and he dropped dead in middle of Birkat Kohanim. (Zohar Naso) If a Kohen has a person in the crowd that he hates, he should ask a Halachic authority what to do. Where is the source for this, that the Kohanim can’t bless, unless they love, unless they have happiness in their heart? King Solomon wrote that only one who is טוב עין , good eye, is blessed. טֽוֹב־עַ֭יִן ה֣וּא יְבֹרָ֑ךְ (Mishlei 22;9) When Bilaam did not want his blessings to come true, he mentioned that he burned with hatred towards the Jews, and that had a bad eye. נְאֻ֤ם בִּלְעָם֙ בְּנ֣וֹ בְעֹ֔ר וּנְאֻ֥ם הַגֶּ֖בֶר שְׁתֻ֥ם הָעָֽיִן: This may be the reason for the Minhag of the Ashkenaz, not to say Birkat Kohanim out of Israel, during the year. This is because they want to bless from a happy heart, but אֵ֗יךְ נָשִׁ֥יר אֶת־שִׁיר־יְקֹוָ֑ק עַ֝֗ל אַדְמַ֥ת נֵכָֽר. How can we sing the song of YKVK on a strange land?
The best Rabbis, the best people, know how to respect others. איזהו מכובד המכבד את הבריות The Mishna in Avot asks, who is honorable? One who honors others. How does the Mishna know that? From a passuk, כִּֽי־מְכַבְּדַ֥י אֲכַבֵּ֖ד G-d says, those who respect me, I will respect. What is the connection? The Mishna is talking about respecting people, and the source from Shmuel is talking about respecting G-d!? The answer is, that G-d respects those who respect people!!! Why are Kohanim, Kohanim? Because their grandfather Aharon, one time, back in Egypt, when he was the Gadol Hador, respected his younger brother Moshe, that Moshe should be the leader to take the Jews out instead of him! And he will see you and he will be happy in his heart. וְרָאֲךָ֖ וְשָׂמַ֥ח בְּלִבּֽו .On that heart, the heart of Aharon, G-d wanted the Choshen. G-d wanted the names of the tribes to be on Aharon’s shoulders, and on his heart, because that is where they were emotionally.
We find this trait in the Talmid Hacham as well. The Aron Hakodesh represents Torah and its scholars. The Kerubim, lifted they wings upwards, וְהָי֣וּ הַכְּרֻבִים֩ פֹּרְשֵׂ֨י כְנָפַ֜יִם לְמַ֗עְלָה as the Talmid Hacham lives his life in a transcending way. They spread their wings over the Torah to protect it, סֹכְכִ֤ים בְּכַנְפֵיהֶם֙ עַל־הַכַּפֹּ֔רֶת that no one disgrace it, or disobey it. But a Rabbi can only achieve that, if he is relatable, as the Kerubim needed to be facing each other. וּפְנֵיהֶ֖ם אִ֣ישׁ אֶל־אָחִ֑יו . Only if he has a heart of Aharon. Only through אוהב את הבריות ומקרבן לתורה, only through loving the people, can you bring them close to Torah. And sometimes, the only way to be relatable, is to get people to laugh!
