english VAYISHLACH 2013
THE HAPPIEST MAN I KNOW
There is an old Swedish saying, “Those who wish to sing always find a song.” Happiness is like wanting to sing. Once you wish to be happy, you will find something to be happy about. Happiness is more an active decision than a state of being. You do not need to wait for times to get better to bring you happiness. You need to make happiness happen. The way to find it is through ideas taught to us in the Torah; some of them are mentioned below. After reading the coming concepts, you can apply them and remain happy, no matter in what difficult circumstances you may find yourself. It all boils down to adopting the four core elements that comprise the basis for happiness and the fundamentals that stem from them. The four core elements are mentioned in the Orchot Tzaddikim. Faith in G-d, Trust in G-d, Histapkut(- contentment), and Intelligence. Bear with me.
Picture for a moment the happiest person you know. The person you got to know who somehow stays happy, even when the going gets tough. Can you think of such a person? (Just picturing a truly happy person in your mind for five min. can bring you to happiness. Try it.) Go back in your memory to when you remember how that person was going through a rough time and did not complain. Not even a kvetch. They just passed it by, staying calm and collected, keeping their head low, waiting patiently for the high tide to pass.
How did they do it? Simple. Go into their belief system and find out. See how they perceive the world, and pick up their perspective. Tune in on their outlook, and you will produce the same results as they do. If you cannot figure out the elements of their belief system , fear not. The four elements of the Orchot Tzaddikim is their belief system.
One way for you to find out another person’s basic elements of perspective is by listening closely to their choice of words. After the dream of the ladder where Yaakov was blessed by G-d with tremendous blessings, Yaakov vowed that he would tithe his wealth to build a House for G-d and bring a sacrifice on Har Hamoriah. His words were, “If G-d watches over me, and gives me bread to eat and clothes to wear….” Why did Yaakov ask for bread to eat and clothing to wear? What else would one do with bread and clothing? In these words, Yaakov revealed to us what the secret of happiness is. He did not want clothing for any purpose other than to have something to wear. Yaakov was not looking for fancy clothing that makes a person appear successful or important. He was not concerned with making impressions on people. All he wanted from food was nutrition. He was not interested in the taste, nor did he regard eating as a pastime. This is one of the core pillars of contentment. Knowing very clearly how to get along with a minimum and make the maximum from what you do have. It means a deep understanding of the essence, purpose and function of each worldly item you need or want. The difference between needs and wants was very clear to Yaakov. Yaakov went back over the river for some small jugs, as Rashi explains. (33;25) He valued all his possessions, even if they were inexpensive, because he bought them from his hard earned money. (Chullin 91) He valued his money not because it gave him a sense of power or a bigger balance in the bank. In Yaakov’s eyes, physical objects are simply a means by which one can serve G-d. When we are healthy and well clothed, we can serve G-d in a better manner. That’s what he wanted from clothes and food. Without cups or small jugs, you might have to drink from your hands, something which is certainly looked down upon. Ya’akov was able to see the true value of everything he had. He went back over the river just to bring these physical items, things that he needed for כבוד האדם ,basic self respect.
Listen closely to Yaakov’s choice of words in his conversation with his brother, Esav, and note the contrast between his and his brother’s style of speech. When Yaakov tried to convince his brother to take the present he was offering, at first, Esav refused, saying יש לי רב אחי , I have a lot, my brother. Yaakov, on the other hand, pleaded with his brother to accept his gift, using the words, יש לי כל I have everything. Why the switch?
Yaakov had contentment in life. Therefore, he had everything he wanted. Happiness is feeling that you have what you want. When you do not feel that you are missing some coveted desire. What was is that Yaakov had more the Esav? Did Esav have less physical possessions than Yaakov, such that he felt he could not say he had everything, but that he just had a lot? Some people feel that if they do not have money now to pay for what the future may bring, that they are short of cash. A type of worry of what tomorrow may bring. Yaakov was never worried about such things, because he had trust in G-d. Just as He has taken care of me until now, so will He take care of me in the future. Yaakov lived in the Now,(another fundamental for happiness that stems from Bitachon) and was not “stuck” in worries of the future. Also, Yaakov did not look for extras; he ran a “low maintenance” budget. So, he had everything. But an Esav could always want more, more money, more gadgets in life, more power… in a never-ending list.
And it gets worse. Without feeling content, a person who is forever going after extras will never be able to be or feel grateful, making appreciation a foreign language. These are two are the cornerstones of happiness: they stem from contentment and trust in G-d. (The Vilna Gaon, in Even Shlema, writes that a person who cannot find contentment will never pray to G-d or learn Torah properly, for he will never feel genuine, inner appreciation for all that G-d does for him!) Another major facet of happiness that stems from contentment is giving to others, without expecting anything in return. You can’t give if you do not have enough for yourself. Giving brings happiness, and Yaakov said that he would give a tenth of his gain.
There is another important basic requisite for happiness. Having a clear purpose in life. Even if one is content, if there is no purpose in life, there is no happiness. Life can just drag on. For Yaakov, there was great purpose in life. Faith. To serve G-d. To bring into being the שבטי י-ה . One of the clear contrasts between Yaakov and Esav was their disagreement about the World to Come. Esav believed that this world was an end in itself. So, live it up. Ya’akov’s opinion was that the purpose of this world was serving G-d, with the reward reserved for the World to Come.
My rabbi once taught me a great lesson. The greatest gift you can give your children is the skill of being happy without the extra “wants”. “You will give them a life of happiness”. The Vilna Gaon, in Even Shlemah, writes that the last of the Ten Commandments, לא תחמד , Do not covet, is the basic law of the whole Torah. And, expressed as a positive commandment would be Histapkut- contentment. Observing the mitzvah of contentment is like keeping the entire Torah. And, after writing this article, I had a new insight into the famous Mishna in Avot איזה עשיר השמח בחלקו Who is rich? One who is happy with his lot. This is telling us that in order to be rich, you need to be content. If you always want more, you always need to spend, and you will never have “extra” in the bank account, because you will always need it for something that you might want tomorrow.
The only way for a person to have real contentment when times are rough is with Bitachon, trust in G-d. (It is not about how you look at the cup, half full or half empty. It is about accepting things the way G-d gives them, even if the cup is really almost empty.) Trust that G-d knows exactly how much I need, when I will need it, and that He loves me much more than any human is capable of loving me.
PROBLEMATIC PERSUASION
Despite Dina’s high spiritual level, Shechem succeeded in persuading her to stay. Of course, Shechem’s home was definitely no place for the daughter of Yaakov. How, then, could Dina have agreed that this is where she belonged?!
Rav Yerucham Levovitz, zt”l, notes that we can see from this episode just how strong the power of persuasion can be. Even someone of Dina’s high caliber was able to be persuaded to do something not at all in keeping with her stature. Indeed, it is shocking to us when we witness the greatest of men fall – through persuasion – into the clutches of sin. For some strange reason, however, we are not taken aback at our own being drawn into a sin not befitting our stature that we were somehow persuaded to commit. We find silly justification for things we did wrong and foolish things we said. If we only would stop and think, we might be amazed at how we slipped.
We have to be on guard against two different types of harmful persuasion: external and internal. We are more aware, perhaps, of the first type, in the form of people who try to get us to do or buy all sorts of things we really have no interest in. But there is also “persuasion from within,” where our feelings overpower our good sense. Persuasion usually speaks to the heart or emotion, not to the intelligence. Thus, Shechem persuaded Dina to stay by talking to her heart. Now, if power, money and wealth could seduce even a Dina, they can certainly seduce people of our much lower caliber. When the heart is influenced, even a spiritual or intellectual giant is handicapped. Even Adam, whose wisdom was on a tremendously high level before eating from the Tree of Knowledge, was not immune to persuasion.
Let me ask you: Were you ever persuaded to buy something that you did not really need? If so, perhaps you bought it because it was on sale. For many people, to pass up a sale is to feel that they are losing money. Even though they do not necessarily need the item, the fear of missing the opportunity can easily get the better of them. This is really a combination of the fear of losing money together with the materialistic drive of having more. Of course, these feelings are nonsensical, since the person did not need the item to begin with.
Through associations with successful people, the advertising industry tries to persuade us that we need a specific item in order to be successful. Indeed, marketing professionals have persuaded the world to spend oceans of money, time, and effort for the latest cell phone or cell phone app. After purchasing the phone we thought we needed, we find that we rarely, if ever, use the application for which we purchased it. The marketing professionals look for what the heart desires, and how to get people to feel that they can connect to that very coveted something – and before you know it, they have made a customer of us.
These are just a few examples of external forces of persuasion. Persuasion from within, of course, can come in a variety of different forms. For example, a man might be persuaded to believe that if he made more money, his wife would respect him more. A father might be persuaded to think that if he would take on an additional job, he would have the extra money he “needs” to be a better parent. Ironically, though, since this often comes at the expense of family time, the children may end up feeling that they barely have a father at all. But the busy father fails to see this, so convinced is he that this is the only way to be a good father. These conclusions are, of course, usually not true, but the great human desire for wealth, fame, and materialistic pleasure can easily cloud our vision.
The best solution to avoid being persuaded to act against our own best interests is to stay away from the people or things that get us to act in ways we will later regret. Each person knows from personal experience whom and what to avoid. By keeping these experiences in mind and noticing our weak spots, we will be better equipped to face the challenges of “problematic persuasion” in the future.
