english VAYETZE 2013
SULAM TO SUCCESS
Yaakov had a dream. A ladder. Two feet standing sturdily on the ground, with the top touching the sky. Angels climbing up and down. There are different interpretations of this dream. One of them is that the angels were going up and down in Yaakov עולים ויורדים בו ביעקב ולא בסולם. (Br. Rabbah 62). The ladder was in Yaakov, with the top of the ladder reaching the כסא הכבוד – G-d’s Throne. And in each person, as well, there is a “ladder”.( Zohar Mishpatim Raayah Mehemnah) Why is the growth process of a person in this world compared to ascending a ladder? Why not to crossing a sea in a rowboat, or to walking a tightrope across a raging river? And why did Yaakov need, specifically at this time, to see such a dream?
Yaakov knew that he was supposed to have 12 tribes. He was now, after having been looted by his nephew, Eliphaz, left without even an article of clothing to wear. He had been in mortal danger from his brother, the world’s mightiest warrior, for fourteen years. And now, he had to find a wife that would marry him without his having anything to offer her as dowry. All he owned, all he had with him, was his walking stick. How was he going to grow, to become the next Patriarch? He was already 63, and had not yet begun!
I am sure that Yaakov was not impatient. But G-d was showing him that his journey to becoming the third Partiarch was on its way. G-d was telling him not to fear. Yaakov was not afraid for his life as much as he feared that he might not be successful in fulfilling G-d’s wish for bringing the Tribes to the world and having them reach the lofty level of שבטי י-ה. Allow me to share with you the message conveyed by the ladder.
To succeed in life, one needs to dream. He needs to envision how he would want things to be,and what he wants to do. Ask yourself the questions: “What would be the greatest thing that could happen to me? The sky is the limit! (ראשו מגיע השמימה) That is the fun part. Now, let us go on to the next step. The next rung.
Many people make the mistake of looking at their ideal life as a “project”. “Projects” cause stress. Actions do not. You cannot do a whole project at once. You can do only an action. Being persistent in doing the next action in line that will get you to your goal, will result in a completed “project”. The success is not tangible, it is just an “outcome”. A specific action is all you can do. If one focuses on doing the outcome and not on the specific action, then the actions will not be done properly and the goal will not be achieved . For example. Learning Daf Hayomi to finish Shas. To really learn Shas, you need to learn one Daf at a time. Today, there is nothing other than today’s Daf. Now, it is important to set goals and to have aspirations. But it is more important to be in the “Now” when learning, just like a person climbing a ladder who needs to focus on the now, not what’s far ahead. The “next rung” is not less important than the rung on the top of the ladder. Learning in order to finish is not learning. Each Daf is a goal in and of itself.
There is only one way to realize the dream that you have envisioned. Just as you cannot climb to the top of a ladder at once, so, too, you cannot reach what you really want in life by trying to leap straight to the final goal; the only way to progress is by finding the next rung, the next step on the path, and climbing it. The way to success is finding the next rung. Simple. Find it, and climb it. You can’t climb more than one rung at a time. And just as in climbing a ladder to success, one needs to have a good footing in the ground,(מצב ארצה) one cannot get anywhere until he is “down to earth”. He has to be aware of and cognizant of the reality of his needs, emotions, wants, strengths and weaknesses: in short, he must know himself. Because the only way to grow is on your ladder. You cannot grow trying to be someone else, or by copying their actions. Looking at others is good only in order to envision the result you want at the end. But, in the process, the only thing that counts is the next rung on your ladder.
Many people attempted to grow in various areas of life. When they did not achieve what they had wanted, they became despondent, on a lower level than what they had been from the start. (The Rivash, in his צוואה, wrote that the yetzer hara works the hardest to get a person depressed. There is nothing more depressing than hearing one’s inner voice repeat, again and again, that he has failed.) So I hope that SULAM will help people know how to grow. Before tackling your next rung, run SULAM through your mind.
S specific. Ask yourself, What are the specific things that, realistically, I am capable of doing, that can bring me closer to attaining my goal?
U unique. Be yourself. Life is too short to waste on trying to be someone else. Is your next action custom fit to your life, to you, or is it something that you are just copying from someone else?
L loving. In order for you to proceed, you have to be doing something you can love. On the first day you may feel somewhat awkward. All change requires adjusting in the beginning. But in order to be a lasting change, it has to be something that you love doing.
A attainable. Is what you have identified as the following level in your reach? Can I really get there from where I am standing right now?
M measurable. Can I express my coming action in terms of a short term goal, to be done by the end of the day or week? Emotions, such as happiness, need to be made somewhat measurable. Establishing a criterion by which to evaluate emotional gain helps you to see if you have, indeed, made progress. (Am I smiling more, these days?).
And always remember the bamboo. The bamboo is one of the fastest growing plants on Earth, 39 in. in 24 hours. Bamboo grow up to thirty meters, within 6 weeks!!! But that is just how it seems to the onlooker. Ask the one who planted it. He has to water it constantly for 5 years, during which it shows no growth. Only in the fifth year, BOOM! You turn your head, and there it is, 30 meters tall! The first five years, a gigantic root system was developing, making the spectacular growth possible.
In order for a person to see an actual change in himself, a change that becomes second nature, he has to keep it up for at least thirty days. Only then, can he look back to see if he has gotten anywhere. This is learnt from the law of prayers concerning one who is not sure if he said משיב הרוח ומוריד הגשם or מוריד הטל. Only after thirty days of consistently changing to the appropriate version, does one naturally use the new way.
True Love
We find a perplexing passuk with regard to Yaakov’s love for Rachel. In describing the seven years Yaakov was forced to wait before he could marry Rachel, the Torah tells us: He felt that they were like just a few days due to his love for her (Bereishit 29:20). Now, isn’t just the opposite true!? When a person loves someone or even something, but is temporarily blocked in one way or another, the result is usually a bad case of longing. When a wedding is delayed, for example, this can cause anxiety until the day actually arrives. Time seems to go forward more slowly than a turtle. How, then, can we understand that out of the great love Yaakov had for his future wife Rachel, it felt like “just a few days”?
R’ Eliyahu Lopian zt”l would explain that most people misunderstand the real meaning of love. Love should not be seen as a pleasant experience in the company of a person who is pleasant to be around. True love is the feeling that a person wants to contribute to and be of assistance to, or please and gratify, the beloved. This is the Hebrew definition of the word loveאהבה) ). This word comes from the root הב, meaning to give. Love is a verb, not an experience or state of being. The concept expressed by the words “I’m in love” or “falling in love” is not a Jewish one. “Falling in love” is not usually a choice one has made. But the love that the Torah refers to is a choice.
The seven years that Yaakov worked for Rachel felt like just a few days, because Yaakov’s love for her was for her – and not for himself. On the other hand, when someone is awaiting pleasure, seven years feels like eternity. When someone is “in love”, that is, not the Torah concept of love, each day that passes when the “lovebirds” are not together feels like sitting in jail. Thus, the passuk is telling us that Yaakov’s love for Rachel was of a spiritual quality.”
How can one know what kind of love one has for another person, if it is “falling in love” or true love? Try this test:
If Eliyahu Hanavi would come to you just before your wedding and tell you that your best friend would be a much better spouse for your “intended” than you, what would you do? Would your love for the person you thought was your spouse-to-be impel you to reveal to him or her what Eliyahu Hanavi told you?
Yaakov would have revealed the message, because this was the kind of selfless love that he had for Rachel. He wanted only to give. He wanted only to grow with his spouse, and build the family that he hoped would fulfill Hashem’s Will . This is true love. Jewish love.
DEEP INSIDE KEVER RACHEL
According to one view in the Midrash, Rachel passed away before Leah because she offered an answer ahead of her older sister at a crucial moment in their lives (Bereishit Rabba 74). When Yaakov asked his wives, Rachel and Leah, for permission to leave the home of their father and move the family to the Holy Land, Rachel spoke up and gave her assent first. The implication of the Midrash is that her death in childbirth on the way back, near Beit Lechem, should be seen as a punishment for not letting her older sister speak first.
But how are we to reconcile this with an entirely different explanation for the time and place of Rachel’s death given elsewhere in the Midrash (Pesikta Rabbati)? There, we find an elaboration on the Prophet Yirmiyahu’s famous description of Rachel, weeping for her children going off to exile after the destruction of the First Temple (Ch. 31):
Why was Rachel buried in Beth Lechem, not in Ma’arat Hamachpelah? G-d commanded Yaakov to bury her there. For in the future, the Temple will be destroyed and the Jews will go into exile…As they walk on the road to exile, they will reach the tombstone of Rachel and pray over her grave. She will then ask mercy from G-d: “Master of the Universe, listen to my cries and have mercy on my children, or give me a reward for the great difficulty I went through in not revealing to Yaakov that he was marrying Leah to save her from embarrassment.” Immediately, G-d listened to her prayers…
This clearly implies that the reason why Rachel died earlier, and could not be buried in the Ma’arat Hamachpelah – but rather in Beth Lechem on the road to exile – was so that she could plead for her children and redeem them in the future. How, then, can we understand the opinion in the Midrash cited at the outset that this was a punishment for not deferring to her older sister and letting her answer first?
I once heard a beautiful answer to this from a Shabbat guest. But first a bit of background: We know that the Avot observed all the Mitzvos of the Torah, but only in Eretz Yisrael (Ramban). That is why Yaakov allowed himself to marry two sisters after leaving Eretz Yisrael and settling temporarily in Lavan’s home in Padan Aram. We can now reconcile the two Midrashim. Yaakov knew that he could not stay married to both sisters and also fulfill G-d’s directive that he return to Eretz Yisrael. Thus, when he asked his wives if they were willing to move the family back to his homeland, he was asking much more than if they were willing to pack their bags. He was asking his wives if they were willing to put their lives on the line. And Rachel, who spoke up and gave her assent first, essentially sacrificed her life for this holy purpose. This is why she was buried on the side of the road leading to exile. She is the only one of the Patriarchs or Matriarchs who can approach G-d and say “I gave up my life in order for my spouse to merit being in the Land of Israel. How, then, can You not allow them (my children) to return?”
