english TOLDOT 2013

 WORDS FROM MY HEART

Imagine how your life would be if you had a behavior technique that would make you the greatest negotiator you know. Imagine how great it would be if you had in your hands a way to smooth out all the rocky relationships you have with the people it is hard for you to get along with. Imagine you had at your disposal the tool that separates between the righteous and the wicked, the one that empowers you to become a tzaddik. Well, stop imagining. After this article, you will be in possession of that tool. After you will have finished reading, the only thing you’ll need in order to become successful , will be to take action.  Because ALL success, always boils down to two things. Knowing what to do and DOING IT. Knowing what not to do, and STOP DOING IT. Simple.

Picture to yourself the person that you do not get along with. The person that, excuse me for saying so, gets on your nerves. What do you feel when you see that person’s face is in your mind’s eye? WRITE IT DOWN. Now, get out of yourself. Picture yourself going into that person, into his face, into his values, into his clothes. For a minute, change your name to his name. And, while you are being him, but really being him, what comes to his mind about you? What are you thinking, while being him, about you? Write it all down. Once you do this properly, you will be able to see the things from that person’s perspective, and it  will be easier for you to communicate effectively and deal with that person. Step two, using the same technique, get yourself into a third person: think, now, that you are a third person, an outsider, an impartial observer. What would you, the neutral, outside third party,  advise you to do in this situation to improve this relationship? Can you see both sides, and the pity that they are both not getting along?  When we change perspectives like this, we begin to realize that it is not that those people are difficult. They are just different.

If you have to negotiate with someone, the best way to go about it is to get out of yourself, out of your interests, and see things from the other person’s perspective. If you can’t use this technique, do whatever you can to learn the person’s perspective. Then, think of what you can do to satisfy the other person’s interests and needs, while at the same time, making it work for you. It takes some thought, but it can get you far.

And, this is all learnt from the midrash. (M. Rabbah Esther 10) The midrash tells us the difference between the Tzaddik and the Rasha. The Tzaddik speaks אל לבו  or על לבו  to his heart or on his heart, while the Rasha speaks בלבו, in his heart. It is being confined to the thinking of one’s heart that makes all the difference.

For instance, in our parasha, when Esav was angry at his brother Yaakov for taking the blessings from Yitshak that he, Esav, believed were his, he said in his heart, “The days of my father’s mourning will get closer and I will kill Yaakov, my brother.”( 27; 41) He knew that he could not hurt his brother Yaakov while Yaakov was learning Torah. Yaakov would not stop learning Torah for anything. The only thing that could make Yaakov stop was his being an אבל , a mourner. “Once Yitshak dies, and Yaakov is mourning, I can kill him…” And Esav kept thinking in his heart… If I kill Yaakov only, then I will be summoned to the court of Shem V’ Ever. Instead, I will go and marry Uncle Yishmael’s daughter. I will get Yishmael so angry at Yitzhak for getting the blessings from Avraham, that he, Yishmael, will kill Yitzhak. Then, I will kill Yaakov, and then kill Yishmael, since I am the Go’el Hadam (closest blood relative to the murdered that has the right and even obligation to avenge murder) for my father, and I will get all the blessings from Avraham for myself.(Breishit Rabbah 66) These are the thoughts that Esav said to himself. How did he say it? ויאמר עשו בלבו  , in his heart. Not to his heart, and not on his heart. All these outrageous thoughts and feelings going on inside, even though they were unthinkable for a man who was from the greatest ever at honoring and respecting his father. Just get someone to kill Dad, and then kill your brother and uncle.

The Midrash tells us about another Rasha who spoke to himself in his heart. ויאמר המן בלבו , Haman said in his heart. When Achashverosh asked Haman “what could be done for the man whom the king wishes to honor ?” Haman thought to himself, Achashverosh wants to  honor me and is asking me what he could do to  show me honor. How outrageous. Why would the king ask Haman how to honor Haman? Another thought in the heart. A thought of the Rasha.

But when tzaddikim talk to themselves, as when Chana was endlessly praying to G-d for a child, and she needed to stay focused in her prayers, (see Radak) despite her dashed hopes, it says חנה מדברת על לבה, she was speaking on her heart. When David Hamelech was musing to himself that perhaps, he should run from Shaul with his 600 men to Eretz Plishtim despite Shaul’s heartfelt apology, it says   ויאמר דוד אל לבו . (Shmuel a 27)Because the Tzaddikim have their hearts in their control. And, in contrast, the Reshaim are in the control of their hearts. It all has to do with how one speaks to himself, the way one manages inner thoughts.  This Midrash needs explanation. Bear with me.

One of the basic tenets of the Jewish religion is that a person comes to this world to sanctify G-d’s Name.  Surprisingly, the Vilna Gaon (in the beginning of Even Sh’leima ) says that the purpose of a person’s visit to the Universe is to break a Middah, a negative character trait. How can we reconcile the seeming contradiction?

The answer is that most people know what they can do to serve G-d better, what they can do that will sanctify G-d’s Name. The problem is that we sometimes have a middah that is holding us back. Laziness, anger, haughtiness, materialistic drives, jealousy ,etc. If one breaks the Middah in order to serve G-d, he shows that G-d and His Will are very, very, important to him. People do not change themselves for most things in life. They put the effort to change their character only for things that are very important to them. By working hard to remove a middah that is preventing him from doing G-d’s Will, one demonstrates that the Will of G-d is so important to him. And this is how that person becomes a living, walking Kiddush Hashem.

If one serves G-d only as long as it fits in with the parameters of his character, or does only what is convenient and easy for him – only if it goes along with how he perceives himself, then although those mitzvoth are important, still, the person has not yet fulfilled his mission. He has not yet transformed himself into a walking, talking, Kiddush Hashem. One needs to first break a characteristic in order for him to really sanctify G-d’s Name.

Although it sounds strange, but the Torah mentions in numerous places that a person thinks in his heart. There are two types of thoughts. There are thoughts from the head, and thoughts from the heart. The thoughts of the heart are  beliefs, emotions, desires and the like, while the thoughts of the head are the intellectual ,rational and cognitive thoughts.  The tzaddikim  use the following formula: they let the thoughts of the head control the thoughts of the heart. When G-d sets down a way for us to behave, and that way goes against the Tzaddik’s beliefs, emotions, and/or desires, the Tzaddik exercises control over those thoughts from the heart. Tzaddikim need to break a middah,  something in their nature, when it goes against G-d’s Torah and Mitzvoth. So, they align their actions with G-d’s Will, and do not remain confined to their habitual  thoughts, emotions or life beliefs. Even if their hearts dictate a certain behavior, if it is contrary to what they know should be done, they overcome that impulse. They are able to see things from a perspective outside of their own “hearts”.  They transcend the self and follow what is right, from the Torah’s point of view.   The Reshaim don’t. They believe it is not in their control, that they just can’t. They see the world from the point of view of the heart, from their desires and emotions, and their personal perspectives and beliefs. They persist in thinking in such a way, even if it sounds ridiculous. Because to the Reshaiim, the perspective of the heart is the only perspective.

This is how we can understand how the head of Esav merited to be buried in the Ma’arat Hamachpela. (Baal Haturim says that this is hinted to in the first letters of the words ויקם שדה עפרון that spell Esav.) He thought, in his head, like a Tzaddik.  His body was not buried there, for his body did not follow the thoughts of his head! This is what can decide if one is a Tzaddik or a Rasha . It all depends on if you are willing to go out of your beliefs, desires, and emotions, to do what you know is the right thing in life.

SEEING THROUGH THE SKIES

And it was when Yitzchak became advanced in age and his eyes dimmed from seeing… (27:1). Rashi explains why Yitzchak had lost his eyesight: when Yitzchak was on the altar and his father was about to slaughter him, the Heavens opened up, the Angels were crying and their tears fell into the eyes of Yitzchak, so that they were dimmed.

R’ Shmuel Birnbaum asks: What does this mean?  That the skies were opened for the angels to see what was happening? Couldn’t the angels see everything just perfectly from their place in the heavens without the skies opening up?

He answered that up in the heavens, everything is clear. There are no questions. There are no doubts. All the things that we humans go through, all the tests that we endure due to being unable to fathom G-d’s plan, are crystal clear when seen from up there.

The angels were able to see how Avraham was going through the test; they saw that he would be asked – at the last second – to put the knife down. They knew that G-d would explain that He had requested from Avraham only to bring up his son on the Altar, not to slaughter but to place him there and then take him down. Knowing all they knew, from the point of view of the upper world, there was no reason for tears. There was no emotion. It was simply a test.

But then, G-d opened the Heavens. The angels were able to see things from the point of view of this world. What Avraham felt. What was going through Avraham’s mind. How could he do this to his son? How could he face his wife, Sarah? How could he face the world and explain what he did? The tears spilled from the eyes of the angels as they were able to perceive the thoughts and feelings surging through the mind and heart of our Patriarch.

When people cry, when tears emerge, it is a result of emotions that cannot be expressed by words. When emotions are too much to hold in, they emerge as tears. The tests that we go through in this world bring us to tears. The tests of others bring us to tears. But in the world up high, everything is understood, and everything can be explained. And therefore, up there, there are no tears.

When we see others going through trials, we sometimes see a solution, or a different perspective from that seen by the person who is suffering. When we attempt to tell them of our idea, offer suggestions or propose a different perspective…the person suddenly gets frustrated, or, perhaps, feels that he is not understood. And the truth is that if we make our suggestions, then it is more than likely that we did not even listen to what he had been telling us. A person has so many things going on in his life story, with so many past emotions, that a second person would have to listen to him for a very long time in order to really understand what he is going through. He would have to ask a lot of questions. Something like breaking down the barrier that exists between people. There were more than a few times that I experienced this in coaching. I would listen for a few hours, just asking questions to understand what the person was going through, and then I wanted to cry. I knew then, when I felt a tear on my own cheek, that I had listened well. I knew that I had broken the barrier between us.  Something like what happened when the angels cried, after they saw through the Heavens.