english MIKETZ 2013
A PITIFUL THOUGHT
In a talk that I had recently with a teenager, I asked him how he spends his spare time. When he answered “being bored”, we took the topic farther. I asked him how he would feel if he discovered that he would be bored for the rest of his life. 24/7. He took about a minute and a half to consider the answer, and then blurted out a summary of his thoughts. “That would be the worst curse ever.”
The Torah actually mentions boredom as one of the curses in the Tochecha. יככה ה’ בשגעון ובעורון ובתמהון לבב (Behukotay 28;28) The Targums(Onk. and Y.B. U.) translates תמהון לבב as שיעמום, boredom. This is odd, for it seems, then, that even some of the curses mentioned in the Torah leveled against those who sin are actually things that people bring upon themselves. Things that are in our control. I also believe that in our generation, people have reached the height of this curse of being bored.
There is another curse that our generation suffers from, a much greater curse. And it, also, involves actively taking the curse upon oneself. However, if you take responsibility for this particular issue, you will not suffer. That curse is self pity. Let’s start from the bright side. Imagine, for a minute, that I made a magical grey button in the middle of this page. If you push it, you will be happy for the rest of your life. Even in hard times. And you can be a source of strength to those who need it. Would you push the grey button? There will be no going back to being sad, griping or moaning. You have to be crazy not to push the grey button. Still, some people would choose not to. They’d rather stay sad for the rest of their lives. If you want to be happy in life, you need to want to be happy. Not just want. Really want. Secret recipe to happiness: plan out something that you can do – that you will enjoy – and do it. Enjoy it. Simple. There is one thing that will stop you from living life this way. Self pity.
You see, these people need to feel pitied in order to feel loved. That is their technique, even though its real identity is often disguised, and they, themselves, may not be aware of it. They have become used to manipulating love, things, care, time, interest and more in their relationships with people in their lives by being piteous. Sometimes, it starts from early on, in school and at home with siblings. Parents give attention and reward to some children for being good, and to others because they pity them. And it gets worse when the one who is pitied gets even more from the parent than the others. If you are good, you get rewarded, but if you whine, your reward is even greater. Often, a teacher focuses all his attention on the 30 percent of the class who are troublemakers and “C-“ students. In addition, the teacher designs the way he presents the material and the reward system for achievement to meet the needs of that same group of weak students – weak in studies and in their behavior. The behavioral part of the subconscious adopts the belief that it is “better to be pitied if you want life to be easier.” If you are unfortunate enough to meet someone in the self pity zone on the street, he will tell you how pitiful his situation is, even if, objectively, he has more things, talent, brains, and anything else possible, than you do. How pitiful. Self pity and happiness are mutually exclusive. And such people prefer self pity.
This is a major factor in our generation that holds people back from being happy, accomplishing, feeling positive and successful, and, of course, from enjoying the moment. Allow me to ask you a question. What is worse than experiencing a tragedy? Self pity about the tragedy! As a holocaust survivor who was very successful in building a beautiful family put it, perhaps the only thing worse than actually enduring the Holocaust is the post-Holocaust inability to move forward from that time of pain and suffering. The worst curse is to be full of self pity. The most depressing neighborhood to be in is Victimhood. Nothing can beat you to a pulp more than self pity. A person who has self pity is in constant pain, 24/7.
Self pity is another curse that is actually in our control. If you want to be happy and take control of success in your life, self pity won’t let you, unless you realize what it is doing to you. How does one overcome it? It all has to do with which question you choose to ask. The question that is in the mind of one in the self pity zone is “Do I deserve to be pitied or not?” That question will always produce the wrong answer, because it is the wrong question. A question that won’t bring about a positive effect. The right question that needs to be asked is, “what can I do to make things better for myself?”
We can learn this from Yosef. What is worse than being kidnapped by your own brothers and sold by them as a slave for a pair of shoes? What is worse than your master’s wife trying, for a year, to seduce you and, after your having stood strong and having stayed innocent, being thrown into jail for 10 years? Feeling bad for yourself and your past!
Imagine Yosef. Waking up in prison. In a nightmare. How did he get out of it? Through the opposite of self pity. Seeing outside himself, seeing how other’s are doing. When Yosef saw the pale, anguished faces of the Sar Hamashkim and the Sar Haofim, he asked them, “Why do your faces reflect such discontent and worry today?” They responded that they each had had a puzzling dream. One second. Wasn’t Yosef, himself, in a state of sadness? How was he able to notice someone else’s being sad? And, isn’t it obvious that they were sad because they were in jail?
Being in jail is not a reason to be sad. Self Pity is. Yosef did not pity himself, so he wondered why they were sad. When they told Yosef that they had had a bad dream, Yosef did not say to them, “Hah!! A bad dream?! I went through much more!!” Rather, Yosef listened empathetically to them. Had Yosef been wallowing in self pity, he would never have discussed the dreams with the two Egyptian ministers. He did not perceive himself as an object of pity; thus, he was able to help others, and through helping others, he helped himself.
During this last month, I have been experiencing something completely new to me. Something that happens – only in Jerusalem! Lately, after finishing the Amidah prayer in Shacharit, I turn around to be sure that there is no one behind me who is still in middle of the Amidah, so that I can take three steps back. And, for the last month, there is this fellow behind me praying with a fiery intensity that I envy. He has been there every day, for a month. He is clean shaven, a nice looking 38-year-old man, dressed in casual clothing, adorned with his tallit and tefillin. He takes a few minutes more than I do to pray. He prays both with tears and with a smile, and looks as if he is full of gratitude to G-d. But all this is not nearly as interesting as his pants. He has the most interesting thing written on his pants, for a man who is so full of gratitude. עיירית ירושלים אגף התברואה, Jerusalem City Municipality, the Division of Sanitation. That’s what is emblazoned on his pants. Look at that: a grateful garbage man!
KEEP DREAMING
One of the greatest gifts G-d bestowed on mankind is the ability to dream and imagine. Imagination is a tool that – when properly utilized – can transform the present into the future, helping us move from pain to pleasure, from confinement to liberty. It can trigger in us both the ambition and drive to do what seemed impossible. Unfortunately, many dreams have been destroyed because they were never “supported.” No less important than dreaming and imagining is learning how to support the dreams of those who are close to us. This ability may be needed by a parent who does not really know how to support the dream of a child, or a husband/wife who does not really know how to support the dream of a spouse, or a friend or mentor who does not want to crush the dream of one who has turned to him. Often, just listening properly can do so much good.
Let us go a bit deeper. Imagination is constructed mostly of ideas or information that we already know or experienced. We draw on personal experiences and past knowledge to construct the blueprints of our future. Everyone has gone through different life experiences and perceived things from their unique personal perspective. Thus, no two dreams or goals can be identical. This is why when someone tells us of a dream or an imagined future, it is so important to hear him or her out till the end. We should be looking for something in the dream that can be put into effect – even if it is only a minor element. This can bring out the greatest in the dreamer, and greatly encourage his or her success.
This uniqueness of dreams – both “sleeping and waking” dreams – can be seen in the story of Pharaoh’s dreams, and the difficulty of interpreting them. Pharaoh dreamt that he was standing on the bank of the NileRiver observing seven scrawny cows devouring seven hefty cows. Then he dreamt about seven thin bundles of grain swallowing seven hefty ones. These dreams troubled Pharaoh, and he looked to his advisors for an appropriate interpretation. One advisor suggested that the dreams meant that Pharaoh would have seven daughters, and then bury all seven. Another advisor interpreted the dreams as meaning that Pharaoh would capture seven countries, and then seven other countries would throw off his yoke. But the interpretations did not satisfy Pharaoh, as the Torah reports: “No-one was able to interpret to Pharaoh” (41:8). In other words, the interpretations were valid dream interpretations, but not for Pharaoh’s particular dreams. Why not?
Another question: When Pharaoh’s chief steward finally told Pharaoh about Yosef, the “Revealer of Dreams,” didn’t he throw away a great opportunity to make it big? All he had to do was pay a visit to Yosef in jail and tell him that he tried his best to get him released – but to no avail. Then, the chief steward could have said to Yosef in an innocent voice: Oh, by the way, I had this really strange dream where I was standing on the bank of the Nile, and I saw seven thin cows swallow seven heavyset ones. And then another dream about seven thin stalks of wheat swallowing seven large ones. I would be forever grateful to you, Yosef, if you would interpret my dreams again, old buddy. And then, with the interpretations in hand, the chief steward could have run back to Pharaoh with Yosef’s authoritative interpretations – without crediting Yosef. Surely Pharaoh would have given him a reward fit for a king. Why didn’t the chief steward go this route? He could have been the hero of the story instead of Yosef!
The answer is revealing. Pharaoh had heard enough interpretations. But he had not heard, as Rashi explains, an interpretation appropriate for a Pharaoh. This was Pharaoh’s dream, and he believed that if it was his dream, then the interpretation should apply to him alone. If he dreamt it, there must be something in it that he could take action on – as a king. Seven daughters and seven funerals could happen to anyone, not only to a Pharaoh. And it was not something that required taking any action in the present. Neither was seven countries captured and seven countries rebelling. Pharaoh did not want to believe that his dreams were meaningless. He was determined to find out how he could make the most of them. None of his advisors were able to see out of themselves and into the psyche of Pharaoh. They simply could not see things from his point of view.
Now, the chief steward knew that if he would approach Yosef as if the dreams were his own, the interpretation would be one for a chief steward, not for a Pharaoh. This plan would simply not work. For this reason, he could only tell Pharaoh of the “Jew boy” who successfully interprets dreams.
Yosef himself had suffered from not being supported in his own dreams. He had revealed to his brothers his own dreams about them bowing down to him although he knew that this could get him into trouble. He did so because he believed that his dreams were nothing less than prophecy, and thus it would have been forbidden to conceal them. We can explain Yosef’s action on a deeper level. Yosef did not see in his dream of others bowing down to him any tinge of honor or fame seeking. This was not something for Yosef to act on as a seventeen year-old living at home. He did understand from his dream that he would one day have to be responsiblefor his parents and brothers. This was something for him to act on at present despite his youth and situation. This is why he would report his brothers’ actions to his father. He thought this was part of being responsible for them. His brothers, on the other hand, took his actions the wrong way, and felt that Yosef was attempting to edge them out of the picture and take over. They thought that Yosef was trying to distance them from their father Yaakov in order to become the sole inheritor and the next Patriarch of the Jewish People. They feared that this would undermine their spiritual growth and future. That is why they took pre-emptive measures against him. Yosef, in contrast, did not see his dream about rising to power as meaning anything more than taking responsibility. Yosef was punished for not being sensitive to their feelings.
Yosef, Revealer of Dreams, was brought to hear the dreams of Pharaoh. Due to his own bitter experience, he would be taking special care to try to see what such dreams could mean to a Pharaoh. Not what they could mean to Yosef. Yosef heard the dreams, and interpreted them according to Pharaoh’s life and position. The interpretation gave Pharaoh something to act on as well. If they would store grain during the years of plenty, then they could survive the years of famine. And the core dream was repeated to Pharaoh because they had to move fast. Pharaoh accepted this interpretation. And he commented that Yosef was the smartest person he had ever met because Yosef was able to hear someone else’s dreams from that person’s perspective. He listened so well that he was able to figure out exactly what Pharaoh needed to understand.
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We, too, can make better use of our dreams. Imagine if every dream we had of being successful actually came true! We would dream much more often! There is something true about every dream. We just have to tap into it. And we must listen very carefully to what we can take action on – and try to make those things happen.
Let’s also listen carefully to the dreams of our children. Let’s listen carefully to the dreams of our spouses. And let us listen carefully to our own dreams. We would then all be much more successful.
