english chaye sara 2012
YISHMAEL THE BAAL TESHUVA
I was coaching a very serious yeshiva boy who was feeling horrible about himself. He said that he had done some type of sin, and that he could never repent. Repentance to him meant to regret the past so much that he could uproot the past. He felt that there was no way for him to “uproot” the stain that he had put on his clean slate. He felt far from G-d. This caused him to feel very depressed, and each time that he would try to learn or pray, this thought that he had to undo the past would come up. As much as I tried to bring him to the present, he would resist, saying that first he had to fix the past. I asked him how exactly he would be able to fix the past, and he thought about it: there was nothing he could do about the past except to better the present. He came to the realization that you cannot fix the past by dealing with it. You can only fix the past by dealing with the Now, and the actions we do can change who we “are”. I will elaborate. But first, I would like to bring your attention to something in this week’s parasha…
And Yitschak and Yishmael, his (Avraham’s) sons, buried him at the Maarat Hamachpela, at the field of Efron … Our Rabbis draw our attention to the order here: Yitschak was mentioned before Yishmael in burying their father. Yishmael came from afar to attend Avraham’s funeral. The midrash comments on the order of mentioning the two sons of Avraham, This “proves” to us that Yishmael had done Teshuva, repentance. Despite the fact that Yishmael was the first born of Avraham , he let Yitschak precede him, for he knew that Yitzchak was a greater tzaddik then he. Rashi also comments that Yishmael died with the special death reserved for tzaddikim (ויגוע), stressing this point of Yishmael’s repentance before his death.
How can we understand this? We know that Yishmael had done such bad things in his life, as seen from the words of Sarah.ותרא שרה את בן הגר המצרית אשר ילדה לאברהם מצחק The midrashim tell us what that word “מצחק “ entails. Yishmael killed. He stole. He committed adultery. So how do we know that Yishmael bettered his ways? Just because he allowed his brother Yitschak to go before him at his father’s funeral? Just because he came from afar for his father’s funeral?
The answer is, yes. Yishmael cannot go back into the past and undo his former ways. That is not what happens in the Teshuva process. As much as one thinks that he has to erase his sins and uproot them, that is far from the truth. The one and only way that the sins of the past are uprooted is by changing one’s behavior in the present, and getting closer to G-d. What happens when we change the present behavior? באשר הוא שם , We are what we are at the present moment. Because that is the only “I” that is in existence. The “I” of yesterday has been relegated to the past.
But there is another point about this teshuva that Yishmael went through. He did not pick just anything at random to change. Yishmael made a complete turnover in his belief system. Once Yishmael showed respect to Yitschak for being the Tzaddik, this meant that Tzaddikim deserved respect in the eyes of Yishmael. This one belief had a lot of ramifications.
In order for one to repent, he needs to take upon himself one act that will make him a different type of person. Now, although this one act of Yishmael was a seemingly small act, in reality, we know that here lay one of the underlying, lifelong grudges that Yishmael had with Yitzchak . We know that Yishmael would say to Yitzchak that he, Yishmael, was more religious than him, for he was circumcised at the age of 13, while Yitschak was circumcised at the age of 8 days. In infancy, this is much easier to endure. We know that Sara caught Yishmael shooting arrows at Yitschak; he obviously wanted to get rid of him. We also know that Avraham was very close to Yishmael, so close that Avraham was specifically told by G-d regarding the Akeida קח נא את בנך את יחידך אשר אהבת את יצחק, Please take your son, your only son, whom you love, Yitzchak… G-d had to state explicitly that he was referring to Yitzchak, because in Avraham’s eyes, Yishmael was loved, unique and a son just as much as Yitzchak. We also see that after the Akeida, the second hardest test for Avraham was sending Yishmael away. All these details point to the fact that Yishmael felt greatly loved by his father, Avraham. This probably caused Yishmael to think that he was just as great as Yitschak – that little Yitzchak could not teach his older brother anything about G-d that he did not already know. And then, things turned around. Yishmael changed his belief. This major change was reflected in a single act, showing that he respected his younger brother; but that one act was the result of the big brother having reached the recognition that he had to lower himself and learn from his younger sibling.
We all have things we can do that can lead us to greatness. It does not mean that we have to change everything about ourselves. It just means finding the belief that we have that is invalid, changing it, and acting upon our corrected belief. Then everything changes. The “I” changes.
SIBLING RIVALRY – MORE THAN KIDS’ STUFF
The Midrash (Rabba 56) provides some of the details missing from the Torah’s account of the Akeidah (the “Binding of Isaac”). Among other things, it tells us just what kind of approach Satan used in trying to trip up Avraham and Yitzchak and get them to fail the great test G-d was giving them. Satan approached Avraham and said to him: Grandpa, Grandpa, have you gone mad? Are you really going to slaughter the son you have been given at age 100? When Satan saw that Avraham’s resolve was firm, he tried again: Avraham, chances are that G-d will bring you an even greater test than this one, one that you will not be able to pass. Would it not make sense, then, to give in this time for the sake of your son – your entire future – and fail this test? Avraham rejected this as well. He was ready for any test that G-d might send his way. He knew very well that G-d does not throw a pitch that a person cannot hit.
Satan then approached Yitzchak, hoping for better luck: Son of the woman who lived a life without children: your father is going to slaughter you! Yitzchak answered that he is even ready to be slaughtered. Satan then issued the following surprising challenge. If so, all those nice things that your mother made for you will go to none other than your sibling and arch enemy, Yishmael!…
How on earth can we understand this Midrash? Satan knew who he was up against: Yitzchak, a spiritual giant who was eminently qualified to become the second Patriarch of the Jewish People. And he was no mere child. Yitzchak was now 37 years old! On the verge of being slaughtered, he was a million miles away from concern about Yishmael inheriting some of his personal possessions. We might have expected Satan to try to induce some heretical thoughts, or to shake Yitzchak’s trust in his father, Avraham, and encourage him to start a new belief system. Why would an attempt to stir up sibling rivalry be Satan’s first choice? Given Yitzchak’s age and his level of spiritual perfection, he would surely not be persuaded by this nonsense.
Apparently, though, our assumption is incorrect. The Midrash teaches us that sibling rivalry and the fury brought on by jealousy is a real test for even the greatest people. If Satan used this sort of persuasion, it must mean that Satan knew that he had to work fast and effectively. He knew that inducing heretical thoughts or shaking Yitzchak’s trust in Avraham might take time, and would probably never work. On the other hand, no matter what level people achieve, they can be profoundly influenced by the thought of forfeiting something dear – or even something of very limited value – to a sibling or colleague. These types of thoughts can become obsessive, and can quickly distort a balanced perspective on reality. It happened to the greatest human beings: Yosef’s brothers, Korach, King Saul, Yeravam – the first king of theCommonwealthofIsrael(the “Ten Tribes”). Successfully overcoming this temptation is what makes people great.
Yitzchak was not the only one to pass this test with flying colors. Aharon the Kohen, Moshe’s brother, merited eternal Priesthood for it. Although Aharon was then the greatest rabbi of the Jews in Egypt, he was not in the least bit fazed when his younger brother, Moshe, was given the role of leader and savior of the Jewish People, the one chosen to receive the Torah at Sinai. This testified that Aharon’s heart was pure enough to wear the priestly breastplate.
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A close friend related what was probably his most powerful childhood memory to me: His father lived a low-key lifestyle, and the latest Nike sneakers were simply not a topic of discussion at home. One day, my friend, a successful student in school, noticed that his younger and far less studious brother was wearing those sneakers. He approached his father and asked for an explanation.
His father, who had built a strong, trusting relationship over years of parenting, explained softly: For your brother, Nike sneakers is a need. For you, it is just a want. My friend was able to accept this, and never brought up the subject again.
This little story illustrates two principles of good parenting: To determine what each child needs, and build enough trust with each child so that he or she will feel that the parent knows what his/her real needs are; not to put children in situations which invite and encourage jealousy. Of course, parents must also train children to overcome jealousy on their own. As we see from the Midrash, jealousy is a great test even for the greatest people.
SPOUSE’S EXPECTATIONS
We can see in our parashah just how basic – and inevitable – expectations are in a marriage. The Torah tells us: Yitzchak brought her to the tent of Sarah; and he married Rivkah. She became his wife, and he loved her. Yitzchak was then consoled after the passing of his mother. (Bereisheet 24:66-7) Why did Yitzchak bring Rivkah specifically to the tent of his mother, Sarah? Rashi explains (based on the Midrash) that as long as Sarah lived, the family experienced three special signs of her holiness: a Cloud of Glory above her tent, a blessing in her bread, and a candle that lasted all week long. Upon her passing, these signs disappeared, and for three years Yitzchak struggled to get over the loss of his mother. When Yitzchak married Rivkah and brought her into his mother’s tent, the light and the blessings returned. He saw that she followed in his mother’s ways, and this alone consoled him.
We can see from here the importance of the subconscious expectations that arise in marriage. They are very real. Yitzchak’s happiness was dependent on having a wife who followed in his mother Sarah’s holy ways. This was one of the most important things in Yitzchak’s value system.
Another episode in the parashah testifies to this as well. We read that when Eliezer went to find a wife for Yitzchak, he brought clothes with him as well as jewelry. He gave the clothes to Rivkah just before her parents approved the match. Now, we might well ask, how did Eliezer know the size of the would-be bride? Maybe she would need a size six, maybe she would need a size ten. Maybe she would be tall. Maybe she would need “elevator platform” high heels. As a matter of fact, it turned out that the bride Rivkah was, at the time, still a child.
The answer is that the clothes were sent as a statement. This is the dress code in the house of Sarah. This is the type of modest clothes we wear. Only a bride who would feel comfortable wearing modest clothes could possibly meet the expectations of Yitzchak.
The model we see in the parashah is no less true today. Consciously or subconsciously, a man expects his wife to do for him more or less what his mother did for his father. And a woman expects that her husband will handle the chores that her father took care of at home. Often, these duties and chores are taken for granted to be the partner’s responsibility. This is how it was done at home, so this is how it will be done in my new home.. Sometimes, this can lead to domestic problems: If the husband’s mother took care of the paperwork and bills, and the wife’s father took care of these chores in her home, then they may have difficulty understanding why the bills are never paid. If the wife’s father was the cook and the husband’s mother did not let her husband into the kitchen, then supper may not be ready on time. This can lead to frustration.
As we said at the outset, the “simple” solution is for a spouse to eliminate all of his or her expectations. But this is not usually practical. We are better advised to learn what our spouse expects and needs, and try to oblige as much as possible. (Similarly, wise couples plan how to enhance their shalom bayit, as opposed to planning how to avoid getting into fights.) And both husband and wife must try to communicate their most important needs and expectations clearly.
We can look for inspiration to our great Avot and Imahot: Yitzchak had essentially one requirement for a mate, and he conveyed it clearly: the ability to carry on the environment of holiness which his mother had created. Rivkah understood this, and made it her business to oblige.
