english BALAK 2013
DEEPER THAN LOVE…
One of the secrets of the successful salesman is being aware of what the customer really wants. The pinnacle of service lies in the ability to listen and understand exactly what is the underlying want of your client. Comfort, or pleasure. Fashion, or luxury. Find out what it is, and then sell him exactly that. The same is true in our relationships. Between husband and wife, there is something that is called a love map. It is the wants, the deepest wants of your spouse. If you are not aware of the wants of your spouse, if you are not serving those wants, then the relationship is at risk.
Many times, the person that we are dealing with in business, or the person that we are trying to improve our relationship with, asks us for something that he is not necessarily looking for. For example. A woman may ask her husband to take out the garbage, when she is really looking for a helping hand. If he just takes out the garbage, fine. But, if he takes out the garbage and also does a few other household chores, he will have a wife who feels understood. He will have forged a deep bond of togetherness with his wife. Why did she not ask for a helping hand? Why did she mention only the garbage? Because the requests people make are not what they really want. The requests are like a verbal code, hinting at a desire that, sometimes, they are embarrassed to express explicitly. They are asking for whatever thought is in their head at the time, but often, asking in a kind of a code. If a man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist to fill his prescription, he is actually asking to feel better, not for a box of medicine. If the pharmacist is aware of this and suggests that the man buy a few items that help one to feel better along with the medicine, eliminating some of the side effects, the customer will reach for his wallet. That is what he really came for.
The same is true with the mitzvoth in the Torah , the commandments of G-d. In the Torah, there are some things that our rabbis tell us are the Will of G-d, although it does not say this anywhere in the Torah. For example, according to one opinion, צער בעלי חיים ,causing pain to living creatures, is forbidden by the Torah, not only from our Rabbis. There is no place in the Torah that says so explicitly. Still, our rabbis learn the prohibition of causing pain to animals from a passuk in Shemot (23; 5) that seems to be telling us something else entirely כי תראה חמור שונאך רובץ תחת משאו וחדלת מעזוב לו עזוב תעזוב עמו When you see the donkey of your enemy (a sinner) collapsing under his load , and you would refrain from helping him, you must help him. The passuk is telling us to help our enemy in his time of need, but the way it tells us, in addition, not to leave his donkey collapsing under his load, shows that Hashem cares about donkeys! That is how we know that one cannot cause pain to an animal. We figure it out; we read behind the words. Another two examples of this kind of interpolation is building a sukkah and baking Matzoth. There is no mitzvah that says that one should do either of these things. But, if you do not, you won’t be able to sit in a sukkah on Sukkot, and you won’t be able to eat Matzoth at the seder table. Both are mitzvoth that are derived by “figuring out” what is G-d’s Will.
This can give us a new way to look at mitzvoth. The word mitzvah is usually interpreted as commandments , ציווי means command. There is another, deeper meaning. מצוה is from the root צוותא which means “bond”, or together. The mitzvoth are not only commandments. They provide us with a way of bonding with G-d. One can do a mitzvah to get over with it. One can pray with the intent of getting on to the next thing on the schedule. But praying is a way of connecting, not just something on the “to do” list.
Bilaam acted this way….לא אוכל לעבר את פי ה’ אלקי Even if Balak gives me all his treasures, I cannot transgress the Word of G-d. (22;18) Bilaam worried only about a technicality: transgressing the Word of G-d. He did not care in the least about the Will of G-d. What G-d wants. G-d did not forbid Bilaam to go with the men of Balak . It was of no concern to Bilaam that G-d really did not want anyone to curse the Jews. G-d’s Will was not a matter of importance for Bilaam.
This leaves us with a big question. Why does G-d not ask for what He wants? The answer seems to be that part of our service is discovering the want on our own. That extra effort, to figure out what is really being asked for, is your way of displaying sincere love and care.
There are some people for whom we do things only when they request it. These are people with whom we have a more distant connection. But, when it comes to the people we really love, we do what we can for them, even without being asked. And this is what we pray for every day in our prayers.רצה ה’ אלקינו בעמך ישרא-ל ולתפלתם שעה . We ask Hashem, please do not listen to our prayers only because we are asking You to give us what we need. Please provide us with our needs because Your desire is in Your Nation. Because You love us.
This is one of the secrets of relationships: it is accurately reading the love maps, discerning what the other person wants. It is not only doing what the other person asks for or says he wants. It is about making him feel that you care for him. And I will leave you with the line someone left me at the bottom of his email.
“At the end of the day, people do not remember what we do for them. Rather, people remember how we make them feel.”
EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE
Most people agree that there are 613 mitzvot in the Torah. However, the definition of the word mitzvah has different meanings in the eyes of different people. Some people believe, mistakenly, that the word mitzvah means a good deed. This is a serious and grave mistake, for this would imply that mitzvoth are suggestions of good deeds. Take it or leave it, depending on the mood or circumstance. In reality, the root of the word mitzvah is commandment. A commandment is something that you have to do, so long as you are a religious believer.
As explained in the previous article, the word mitzvah, in its deeper meaning, also comes from the Aramaic word צוותא , meaning bonds and ties. Through these mitzvoth one can connect with his Creator. Rabbi Laurence Kelenman offers a new perspective. First, he explains that in every relationship of love, the greater the attention given to details by the one expressing love, the greater the love. If a spouse sees and notices the attention, effort and thought put into the relationship by the partner in marriage, his or her love is much greater. And when one does not notice, when one does not care to acknowledge these efforts at showing affection, then the person is…. just mean! Egotistic. Names that I do not feel should be written. And when someone does recognize love given by the spouse and wants to know how to show love in return, he/she will look for details to act upon to express love in return. What a beautiful relationship.
This pertains to our responsibility to recognize how much G-d does for us, both quantitatively and qualitatively, attending to our every need in great detail, as well. We should be humane and recognize it. Then, we will be able to – and will – love Him much more. And, we should express our love in return. In detail, in 613 details. These are the 613 commandments, 613 expressions of love.
This week, Bilaam’s donkey teaches us how not a single one of the Mitzvoth can be missed or ignored. When the donkey reprimanded Bilaam he said, “… and now, you hit me three times.” However, instead of using the word פעמים for the word “times”, the donkey used the word רגלים , or occasions. Literally, the word רגל means foot. He hinted to him – you are seeking to uproot a nation that celebrates שלשה רגלים – three festivals, each year!
Why did he mention now, out of all the mitzvoth of the Torah, the merit that the Jews have for celebrating the three festivals?
The answer, a beautiful one, is given by the Melo Ha’Omer. We find in the Midrash that G-d asked Bila’am – “It is your wish to curse and uproot the Jewish nation? Who, then, will keep the Mitzvoth of the Torah, if not the Jews?” Bila’am, may his name be erased, said, “I will”.
This is what the donkey was telling him, but Bila’am did not understand. Every year, three times a year, the Jews celebrate the festivals and keep the mitzvah of ascending to Jerusalem by foot. Now, it is to this fact that the donkey was referring when he exchanged the word “times” with “occasions”, hinting at the Three Pilgrimages, known as שלשה רגלים , of the Jewish year. The Halacha is that only a person who can walk up the mountain to Har Habayit has the mitzvah of Oleh Laregel. Being that Bilaam was crippled in one leg, he could not take the place of the Jews in keeping the mitzvoth, for he was exempt from one of the 613- walking by foot up the mountain of the Temple three times a year. If not for this one mitzvah, Bila’am could have cursed us and destroyed us.
We do not know what even one mitzvah can do for us. We do not know how much we need each and every one of the 613. They are all expressions of love, that each and every one is so very precious to G-d.
TOUCHING THE SUN
On one occasion, Rabbi Moshe Feinstein zt”l was delayed from setting out to an Agudas Yisrael convention by a man who was praying in the aisle (or doorway). The law is that one may not pass in front of someone who is in middle of the Silent Prayer (Shemoneh Esrei). So Rav Moshe stood there waiting patiently with his students while this man finished his prayers. His students wondered about Rav Moshe’s strictness since there is a view that one can be lenient when a person is praying in a place where he is blocking other people’s freedom of movement. Why, then, did Rav Moshe not rely on this leniency, especially since many people were waiting for him at the convention? He explained that he could not move because there was a brick wall in the way. That is, he realized that G-d’s Presence is in front of someone who is praying.
I want to use this well-known story as a way of getting a handle on one of the key issues in this week’s Torah portion, Parashat Balak. It concerns the meaning of the words we rely upon all too often: I can’t…
When King Balak asked Bilaam to curse the Jews, the latter replied that even if he would be paid with all the gold and silver in Balak’s treasure house, “he can’t” transgress the word of G-d. Despite the very good reason Bilaam provided, Balak got enraged. We wonder, though: Couldn’t he understand that some things are impossible?
The answer given by R’ Shimshon Pincus zt”l is that there are two different types of “I can’t.” One type is simply a statement of fact, such as, “I can’t jump up and touch the sun.” This is how someone expresses that he is truly incapable of doing something even though he might really want to. But there is another kind of “I can’t,” such as “I can’t go to a black-tie affair wearing a bathing suit!” This one is not final, not absolute. If someone would offer ten million dollars to the one who attends the black-tie affair in a bathing suit, some people just might change their “I can’t” to “I can!” But, obviously, the “I can’t touch the sun” will not change even if someone is offering twenty million dollars.
When Bilaam told Balak that he couldn’t transgress the word of G-d, Balak understood him to mean that if he gets offered enough money, the “I can’t” will change to an “I can.” He obviously got frustrated when he realized that when Bilaam said “I can’t,” he meant that he was truly incapable due to G-d’s opposition. Indeed, Bilaam did not need a large check from Balak to motivate him to curse the Jews. He hated the Jews no less than Balak, and wanted them gone. But Bilam understood that transgressing G-d’s will was just like jumping up to touch the sun.
