CHAYE SARA / english 2013
PACKING IT WITH THOUGHTFULNESS
Imagine what your life would be like if I were to give you a tool that made people think of you in the most positive and desirable way – something that would make them think “that person is worth caring for and helping. That person knows how to appreciate…” – just at the mention of your name. Imagine I were to give you a tool that would make people think of you as being a thoughtful person: a person who is not only a pleasure to have around, but one without whom things are just not the same… Well, there is good news. I am about to give you those tools. But first, a word from the Beit Halevi on our Parasha…
Eliezer was on a difficult quest. His master, Avraham, asked him to find the second Matriarch of the Jewish people. How could he find the intended woman for Yitzchak? He prayed that G-d guide him to the right girl. Eliezer asks G-d to give him a sign by which he can recognize the intended one. “The girl that I will ask to tilt her bucket of water so that I can drink from it, and who will say, afterwards, to me – ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels to drink,’ – this will be the sign from You, G-d, that she is befitting for Your servant, Yitzchak.”
Why did Eliezer pick that sign, specifically? He could have come up with a million and one signs by which G-d could show him who the intended girl was. And, wasn’t it somewhat risky to rely on something random like that for such a heavy decision?
A little introduction, before the Beit Halevi. The way many businessmen see if they can trust and believe someone else in business, to find out if he is an individual with good character, is not by talking business with him. When talking dollars and cents, every salesman or businessman knows that he has to be careful and to appear as trustworthy as possible. So, to test a person’s character, canny businessmen take their prospective candidate out to a restaurant, to eat. They watch his behavior, and this way, they get to observe him in a natural situation. They play ball together. You can see much more about a person’s character when his guard is down, during eating a meal or while playing a competitive sport, than you can in a business meeting.
The best way Eliezer could test Rivka was by seeing how she behaved naturally, in everyday life situations. At the well. He could test how kind she was, what her basic values were, and how they affected her behavior. He could test how thoughtful she was – by asking her for a glass of water. “How does she behave when she has the opportunity to bestow kindness?” Eliezer knew that the most important thing for Yitzchak was a wife with traits like his mother. Not just kindness, but kindness with thoughtfulness. Although the water miraculously came up in the well for Rivka, this was not yet proof that she was worthy of being a Matriarch. But, if Rivka would offer Eliezer a drink from the bucket , she would be a possible candidate. And, even this was still not enough to decide that she was worthy. The deciding factor was step two. What will be her next move? She has water in the bucket that a stranger drank from; what will she do with that water? If she brings it home for her family to drink, then there could be germs in the water, and this would show that she did not know the laws of Derech Eretz, not to drink from a stranger’s cup. If, before filling it up again, she would spill it out on the floor in front of Eliezer, this would show that she was not sensitive to his feelings. It might give the impression that, “We are afraid that you are a sick man.” But, if she would pour the remainder of water for the camels to drink, this would show that she was used to performing deeds of kindness with thoughtfulness. Thoughtful and mindful of Eliezer’s feelings, through kindness with the camels. This was Eliezer’s test.
And Rivka’s thoughtfulness , at three years old, was even more than Eliezer’s expectations. She said I will also draw for the animals to drink, until the camels finish drinking the water… The Beit Halevi explains that Rivka didn’t even want it to appear as if her giving the camels the remanding water from the bucket was in order not to disgrace Eliezer. Offering to give the camels to drink till they had had their fill,(they had exhausted their water supply on their desert journey, and thus, providing them with enough water would involve a lot of work for Rivka) Rivka showed that she would go to tremendous effort, where she accomplished two things at once. Showing genuine care to the camels, and simultaneously ,not leaving even the slightest trace of disgrace for Eliezer. So much thoughtfulness! This girl must be the right one! Because kindness with thought is a completely different, much higher level of kindness…
Excuse me if I ask you to be honest and answer a personal question. Did you ever feel that when you had done someone a favor, he said “thank you”, but still, the recipient of your kindness did not really appreciate your efforts? Why did you feel that way? After all, he did say “thank you.” Isn’t that enough?
No. It is, sometimes, not enough. Sometimes, in order for a person to feel that we really appreciate their efforts, we need to give thought to the way in which we express our thanks. “Thank you for that delicious supper,” is very different from a plain old “Thank you” after your last bite. “Thank you for the ride all the way home,” is different from a “Thank you” after you get a lift. Why? Because when you make your appreciation personal and specific, it shows that you respect and appreciate what this person did specifically for you: he had your needs in mind, and tailor made his kindness just for you. It was not that the giver was a kind person anyway, and you just happened to jump on for a ride on his kindness. By devoting thought to how to say your ‘thank you’ and making it specific, you display your real gratitude to the person. You put life into the thank you. You custom tailor it to the appreciation you feel. It was not a plain old “thank you.” Try this, and people will feel that you appreciate what they do for you. All you need to do is dress it up with the specific words, make it really personal, relating to the act of kindness and the person, himself. This magic happens because you add thought to your appreciation. It brings it to a new level.
Tip two. When you give someone a compliment, relate to the person: instead of praising a tie, a suit, or some other article of clothing, you can comment on the excellent taste reflected in the choice that was made. Even if you praise the tie, add some spice to the compliment. Instead of a bland “Nice tie”, avoid using the commonly used word “nice.” In its place, try “Sharp tie”. “Classy tie.” “ Gorgeous tie.” What will suit the person you are complimenting better, “Stunning tie” or “Elegant tie”?
Instead of saying the food was delicious, try complimenting the effort expended in preparing it with a different compliment each meal – “The food was so tasty,” or “This food was really amazing”. “The meat came out fantastic” will flatter. “It must take so much patience to prepare such an amazing meal.” Praise like that will go straight to the heart of any hardworking housewife. She deserves it. She doesn’t make the same food for you every day, so why compliment her with the same compliment every day? Instead, try to use words that show that you realize how much thought she puts into her cooking, and reciprocate by putting thought into your compliment.
These three tips, thoughtful kindness, thoughtful appreciation and thoughtful compliments, will make people like having you around.
YISHMAEL THE BAAL TESHUVA
I was coaching a very serious yeshiva boy who was feeling horrible about himself. He said that he had done some type of sin, and that he could never repent. Repentance to him meant to regret the past so much that he could uproot the past. He felt that there was no way for him to “uproot” the stain that he had put on his clean slate. He felt far from G-d. This caused him to feel very depressed, and each time that he would try to learn or pray, this thought that he had to undo the past would come up. As much as I tried to bring him to the present, he would resist, saying that first he had to fix the past. I asked him how exactly he would be able to fix the past, and he thought about it: there was nothing he could do about the past except to better the present. He came to the realization that you cannot fix the past by dealing with it. You can only fix the past by dealing with the Now, and the actions we do can change who we “are”. I will elaborate. But first, I would like to bring your attention to something in this week’s parasha…
And Yitschak and Yishmael, his (Avraham’s) sons, buried him at the Maarat Hamachpela, at the field of Efron … Our Rabbis draw our attention to the order here: Yitschak was mentioned before Yishmael in burying their father. Yishmael came from afar to attend Avraham’s funeral. The midrash comments on the order of mentioning the two sons of Avraham, This “proves” to us that Yishmael had done Teshuva, repentance. Despite the fact that Yishmael was the first born of Avraham , he let Yitschak precede him, for he knew that Yitzchak was a greater tzaddik then he. Rashi also comments that Yishmael died with the special death reserved for tzaddikim (ויגוע), stressing this point of Yishmael’s repentance before his death.
How can we understand this? We know that Yishmael had done such bad things in his life, as seen from the words of Sarah.ותרא שרה את בן הגר המצרית אשר ילדה לאברהם מצחק The midrashim tell us what that word “מצחק “ entails. Yishmael killed. He stole. He committed adultery. So how do we know that Yishmael bettered his ways? Just because he allowed his brother Yitschak to go before him at his father’s funeral? Just because he came from afar for his father’s funeral?
The answer is, yes. Yishmael cannot go back into the past and undo his former ways. That is not what happens in the Teshuva process. As much as one thinks that he has to erase his sins and uproot them, that is far from the truth. The one and only way that the sins of the past are uprooted is by changing one’s behavior in the present, and getting closer to G-d. What happens when we change the present behavior? באשר הוא שם , We are what we are at the present moment. Because that is the only “I” that is in existence. The “I” of yesterday has been relegated to the past.
But there is another point about this teshuva that Yishmael went through. He did not pick just anything at random to change. Yishmael made a complete turnover in his belief system. Once Yishmael showed respect to Yitschak for being the Tzaddik, this meant that Tzaddikim deserved respect in the eyes of Yishmael. This one belief had a lot of ramifications.
In order for one to repent, he needs to take upon himself one act that will make him a different type of person. Now, although this one act of Yishmael was a seemingly small act, in reality, we know that here lay one of the underlying, lifelong grudges that Yishmael had with Yitzchak . We know that Yishmael would say to Yitzchak that he, Yishmael, was more religious than him, for he was circumcised at the age of 13, while Yitschak was circumcised at the age of 8 days. In infancy, this is much easier to endure. We know that Sara caught Yishmael shooting arrows at Yitschak; he obviously wanted to get rid of him. We also know that Avraham was very close to Yishmael, so close that Avraham was specifically told by G-d regarding the Akeida קח נא את בנך את יחידך אשר אהבת את יצחק, Please take your son, your only son, whom you love, Yitzchak… G-d had to state explicitly that he was referring to Yitzchak, because in Avraham’s eyes, Yishmael was loved, unique and a son just as much as Yitzchak. We also see that after the Akeida, the second hardest test for Avraham was sending Yishmael away. All these details point to the fact that Yishmael felt greatly loved by his father, Avraham. This probably caused Yishmael to think that he was just as great as Yitschak – that little Yitzchak could not teach his older brother anything about G-d that he did not already know. And then, things turned around. Yishmael changed his belief. This major change was reflected in a single act, showing that he respected his younger brother; but that one act was the result of the big brother having reached the recognition that he had to lower himself and learn from his younger sibling.
We all have things we can do that can lead us to greatness. It does not mean that we have to change everything about ourselves. It just means finding the belief that we have that is invalid, changing it, and acting upon our corrected belief. Then everything changes. The “I” changes.
