Whose problem is it?

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A common question I need to ask when coaching someone is, who has the problem. Are you looking for change, or is someone else sending you to change, because they can’t deal with you?

The other day, a certain friend I know from London asked me for a good therapist to go to. I asked him which area in life he feels he needs improvement. He said, I don’t think I need help for improvement in anything, but my wife thinks I should see a therapist. I told him, if that is the case, you are wasting your time and your money going to therapy. To go through therapy, and have something effective come out of it, you need to have the willpower to change. You need enough of a drive of running from pain, or running toward pleasure, that will drive you to learn new habits.

We may need to send your wife to a therapist. It seems that she has a problem (you), and she is willing to change, to learn how to stand up for whatever she feels is necessary in your relationship in a way, that you realize that you better change, or x. y. z. And then, you have a problem that you will be motivated to change your B3, Beliefs, Behaviors, Belong.

One of the biggest problems of education systems is, why is the kid in school. Whose problem is the school or system solving. The only way a student will put in the effort of focus, time, and give up on distractions to get better grades, is only if the student is solving his own “problem”. Only if the pain, or pleasure, is his own.

So many students who were labeled ADD or ADHD, I ask a simple question that blows me away each time I get the answer, and wonder if he was properly diagnosed. I ask the child, if I would give you, for the rest of your life, minimum wage to do the thing that you like doing most, would you be okay with that and not go to school? If the answer is yes, I ask them the second question. Do you see any value in becoming wise in life? The answer is usually no.

This means, that the child does not care about wisdom, and that can be the reason why he does not care to listen, read, focus or learn. He already gave up to the competitiveness at school, because of F3 (fear, frustration, failure), and never learnt that learning has any importance. How sad.

So why is he going to school? Because he is solving his mother’s problem, or father’s problem, the government’s problem, or because the police will not let him walk the streets at that age during school hours.

The first, most important thing to do to help a child in learning, is to help him realize the value in wisdom. If you did not do that first, you never sparked his learning motor.

About the author, Yosef

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