english ACHAREI MOT – KEDOSHIM
WHAT THE PRIEST TAUGHT ME
I got off the phone with the priest. He gave me chizuk. He was not your regular priest. He was a priest who converted to Judaism, and is now Ultra Orthodox. “I have no problem with Torah scholars learning self-help techniques from the gentiles, whether it is in coaching or any other therapy that works. But there is so much in our sifrei Mussar, early mussar, late mussar, chassidishe or Litvishe. Why do we need to look into their books before we know our books and work on the “techniques” offered in our own literature? The gentiles think differently, live differently, and believe differently. Their beliefs and thoughts are between the lines in their books, even if there is no intention to change us and make us think as they do. How can one be sure that the good techniques that he gets from the “good gentile” do not have some life example that is not suitable for our circles of the Kodesh Hakedoshim, the inside circles of the ultra religious Orthodox?“ He was on speaker. I heard it. My wife heard it. I hung up, and that was it . Enough mussar from the ex-priest. I went straight into the beit midrash and pulled out the Alei Shur from R. Wolbe. To page 256 . BAM! What I saw was exactly the latest self-help discoveries that the self-help world has discovered . First, a little background:
People want to know why coaching is becoming well liked and well received. People want to know why it works and how it can be that something so enjoyable and fun can be so effective. And, how can it be that it is helping people in ways that other therapies did not? Four questions, one answer: Will.
There is a tremendous power in the universe. It is called the power of focused thought. Over the last forty years, people in the world of psychology and self- help realized that it is not only our subconscious that is governing our thought, feelings and behavior. Researchers realized that you can govern and control these through conscious thought, as well. If someone is feeling happy – he must have had a happy thought. If someone is feeling sad – something negative must have been going through his head. Almost all feelings can be traced to the thought that came before, after, or during the feeling. Although the client may not be aware of this thought, a good therapist can help him find it . After the thought has been identified , the therapist can help the person whose emotions are affecting his life productivity by replacing the thoughts with more effective ones. The way someone feels is very important, for that will define how productive that person will be. So, it goes like this: Thoughts and beliefs, followed by feelings and behavior . They are all connected. All of this shows you how great the power of thought, conscious thought, actually is, for it is the root of feelings and behavior. Whereas the past and the subconscious have been the center of attention until now, the aspect of present feeling and opinion has been neglected. We do not have to analyze the “why” of the past, as well as all the subconscious input, but rather to realize that the feelings a person has have much to do with the way he is thinking in close connection to what he is feeling. This is the idea behind CBT- cognitive behavioral therapy. The therapist does not have to go to the past of the client, everything is “here and now”. And then, over the last twenty years, life coaching has also become very popular. Coaching works with the will of the client. The power of will is a stronger power in getting a person moving in the direction of his wants than the power of organizing thoughts.
The question of the coach to his client is always directed to the “wants” of the client. “What, how, when, where, or who do you want to be…” The coach is working the whole time with the wants of the client. Not with the thoughts. It even catches the client off guard, because many times he is not even thinking about what he wants, but what is in his head. The coach works to help the person to get where he wants to be. That’s it. Of course, there may be some thoughts that must be dealt with through CBT. There may be a need to find out some “why”s on the way, or get over the past with a psychologist. But coaching is about moving forward to what the person wants. Not only that: many times, a person’s thoughts are in his head because that is where his wants are. Help him figure out his wants, help him figure out his value system and where his wants stand on the ladder of importance, and his thoughts are taken care of as well.
This is exactly what R. Wolbe writes. The word רצון ,will , is connected to the word רוץ , to run. A person’s will will cause him to run to do those things that he wants. A person’s wants are a stronger drive than his thoughts; he will run after things that he wants without first thinking through all the variables. We see a few times in the Torah אהבה מקלקלת את השורה desire overrides the train of thought. Bilaam saddled his own donkey early in the morning without the help of his servants out of his excitement to curse the Jews. At the other end of the spectrum, Abraham saddled his own donkey early in the morning out of his excitement to fulfill the will of G-d and offer Yitschak on the Altar. Didn’t Bilaam know that he could not curse the Jews against G-d’s will? Wouldn’t it have been logical for Abraham to take a little time that day to make sense out of the contradictory prophecies?(כי ביצחק יקרא לך זרע) The answer lies in the will – what is your deepest will? If it is clear to you, your feet will take you there. King David would prepare the itinerary befitting a busy king, but found that his feet would bring him, instead, to the Beit Midrash. This is because a person’s will is so strong that it controls his behavior more than his thoughts do. This is not because he acts without thinking. It is because a powerful want, a clear focused want, ignites creativity and new ideas. I see this with my children. A child who does not usually exhibit creativity will suddenly find a really creative way to climb the cabinets for a piece of chocolate. The wants get the thoughts running: creativity juices overflow when he is in touch with his wants, and the candy. And the father of all innovations, father of all breakthrough, is creativity. So when the coach gets down to the will, creativity begins. By uncovering the inner will, a new thinking pattern uncovers as well.
I actually had a writer’s block this week. I went to shul and I told this concept to my Israeli study partner in Hebrew, and I said that aside from this thought, I did not have anything to write that is a coaching concept connected to our Parasha. He told me that as a matter of fact, this concept answers a question from the Gemara in Tractate Zevachim (47a) – one that he could not get out of his head. The question comes from a passuk in our parasha. How do you know that if someone is מתעסק in קדשים – a kohen who brings a sacrifice, but is just going through the correct motions, but without the proper intent – such a korban is disqualified? The answer is because in this week’s parasha it says לרצונכם תזבחו you should bring your korban in conjunction with your will to bring it. The Talmud learns from these words לדעתכם תזבחו that you must sacrifice in conjunction with your knowledge. My friend said, “But it does not say in the Torah לדעתכם , your knowledge. It says לרצונכם , with your will…? It must be, then, that we learn from this piece of Talmud, that the root of all knowledge is will. Our thoughts go along with, and stay in the frame of our wants. When we get clear what we want, our thinking improves as well.
Coaching can be just as powerful, if not more, than other therapies, because it goes behind the scenes of the thoughts. Another ancient (and perennially relevant) insight from sifrei mussar, something that the gentiles figured out only in the last couple of years. And, again, the Beit Hamidrash is the place to find out anything you want to know.
REPROACHING THE SINFUL RIGHTEOUS
A certain psychologist was concerned as to exactly how to respond to a patient who confesses his sin, looking for acceptance and understanding . “On the one hand, if I do a “blame shift” or lighten the severity of the sin, allowing the patient to feel that he could face himself in the mirror, then I may be transgressing the mitzvah of giving rebuke. And if I tell him that he was wrong, then things could get much worse. The solution I found so as not to be sitting by passively while the person is pouring out a litany of his transgressions is to ask him if he thinks that what he did was the right thing to do. Then, I show him genuine respect for coming and telling – admitting – his failures and mistakes. This somehow helps the person feel comfortable and not embarrassed to see me even after therapy.”
Many times we hear about the mitzvah of giving rebuke and wonder: should I be saying something to the child? Should I tell the person just how bad his/her actions are?
The Talmud (Bava Metziah 31a) tells us that the repetition of the words הוכח תוכיח , rebuke and rebuke, comes to teach that one must rebuke even one hundred times! There are different ways to understand this. One approach is that sometimes the person giving the rebuke is not worthy of saying what needs to be said. And at other times, the person who sinned is not ready to hear what he is supposed to hear. It may be that only after one hundred times both prerequisites can be met: that a person can actually say what needs to be said to the person who really needs to and can hear it.
This is an interesting twist on that piece of Talmud. However, I have found the following to be very valuable. The passuk says הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך ולא תשא עליו חטא : Rebuke your friend, and do not bring sin upon yourself because of it. This can be interpreted to mean that if you do not give rebuke, you are guilty of sin. When understood on a basic level, this can seem stressful. However, there is a deeper meaning here. The words ולא תשא עליו חטא also mean “do not put a sin on him”. The Chavot Yair (also see Zohar) explains this to mean that when one gives rebuke, he should not let the person feel that he is a רשע ,a wicked person. Rather, he should say things that can uplift him – “such acts are not befitting either for you or for your level of character”. Do not make him feel as if he is a sinner; rather, that he is a righteous person who has sinned. An external act – ולא תשא עליו חטא – that is not to be identified with the one who performed it. Labeling a person with a title of “sinner” or רשע causes the person to feel disabled, disarmed and depressed.
HOW HOLY ARE YOU?
Take out a minute to answer the following questions: How holy are you? What was the holiest moment you felt in your life? Who was the holiest man you ever met and got to know?
This is the type of question that many of us have never thought about. While I was writing this article, I posed these questions to someone, and this was his reply. “The holiest moment of my life was when I came to ninth grade dormitory yeshiva and experienced great difficulty in the new surroundings. I prayed to G-d with all my heart, and I felt that a certain prayer that I made, with fervor and tears, had pierced the heavens and was answered. When a person reaches a holy point, he comes back to himself, he connects with himself. He reaches out to the person he should be.
“The holiest man I ever met was my ninth grade rabbi. He was not necessarily the smartest or most knowledgeable in Torah, but he was holy. He was holy because he was separated from this world, and had more self control (than other people). He was not only realizing the truth – he was the truth. His התבטלות , self- deprecation, to Hashem in his actions, thoughts and emotions all gave me this holy feeling about him.”
These words struck me. I did not think that common people thought about this question or connected holiness to their life story. Parashat Kedoshim starts off with exactly this topic: the commandment to become holy. However, there is a difference of opinion as to exactly how we understand this and to what it is referring. The Ramban learns that holiness is the act of separating oneself from overindulgence in permissible pleasures. Rashi learns here differently. Rashi understands that when the Torah tells us that one should be holy, it says so right after discussing forbidden marital relations. The way for one to become holy, according to Rashi, is through refraining from such relations and from anything that may bring one to such a position. This includes keeping one’s eyes from seeing things that can lead us astray – refraining from thoughts that may bring one to temptation. According to Rashi, this is what holiness is about- a clear mind from such thoughts and a lifestyle where we do our utmost to avoid being associated in any way with unhealthy, forbidden desires.
The question, though, is obvious. Why is it that only those refraining from this specific transgression merit holiness? When someone does not steal or does not kill and refrains from anything even remotely associated with such behavior – why does that not make him holy? And why, just by refraining from doing what the Torah considers abomination and unholy, does one become holy?
R’ Yerucham Levovitz, zt”l, explains that there is a great difference between refraining from stealing and refraining from forbidden marital pleasures. The desire for marital pleasure is one that every healthy human being has inside him from the minute when he is born; it grows and develops throughout all the stages of life. It is a great thing for a person to overcome this powerful, almost irresistible drive, and therefore, one can merit a level called holiness by the Torah through doing so. Refraining from a desire to steal or kill will not render one holy, for it is something that is not an inborn, human desire. The antonym of lust is holiness!
From here, it is apparent that if a person does not actively, consciously work on restraining himself from these specific things, his natural penchant – that of man – is to be corrupt in these matters.
