THE ART OF SOCIAL DISTANCING
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THE ART OF SOCIAL DISTANCING
Parashat Vayishlach
Mental health in Covidland is essential. Even if the Covid numbers are fake news, the emotional damage is not. People have fallen into problematic behaviors such as drinking, smoking, overeating, hyper-focusing on the news, poor sleeping patterns, helplessness, hopelessness, lack of motivation to tend to personal hygiene or care, or to return calls and messages from family and friends. If you are having trouble with any of these, you are more normal than you think. Covidland is home to the world’s greatest emotional rollercoasters.
Social distancing, being alone, is more challenging for some than others. As we enter the “December to Remember,” if you are feeling lonely, or if you know someone who is feeling lonely, PICK UP THE PHONE!!! The reason why the Shamash is the highest of all the candles, even though it is not even a holy candle, is because it lights up the rest of the candles. It could be that you are not that important, that G-dly. But if you figure out a way to light up the night for other lonely people, you are both important and G-dly.
A close friend was very sick and alone in the hospital. He did not want anyone asking him how he is doing anymore, as he fell deeper and deeper into depression. The hospital was not allowing people to visit because of Covid regulations, so I asked for a virtual call. I knew that if I could make him smile in the few minutes he would give me, I would deserve my Olam Haba medal. The second he saw me, I smiled at the camera and said, “I miss you!! (Pause) It is harder to reach you than it is to reach President Trump! (Pause. Cracked a smile.) He said, “Yosef! I miss you too!” (Pause) I told him that a Rabbi is going around the hospital visiting the sick. He was asked by one of the elderly patients to sit at his bedside. The Rabbi noticed that there was a plate of peanuts on the table next to the older man. During his visit, the Rabbi started noshing from the nuts. The nuts tasted pretty good, and the Rabbi, slowly but surely, finished the plate. Before leaving, he apologized for finishing the peanuts. The man said not to worry. He could not eat the peanuts anyway. He had no teeth. Those were chocolate-covered peanuts that his granddaughter sent him to suck off the chocolate! (Endless laughter) I said, “You don’t have to be hesitant to answer my virtual calls. I won’t eat your peanuts.” (Endless laughter) I witnessed, with my own eyes, how laughter is truly the best medicine. My friend edged out of depression from that point on, and before I could say “Corona,” he was released from the hospital. I felt like a shamash; I felt on top of the world, the World to Come, of course. I would not sell the merit of that virtual call for all the money in the world.
The year 2020 will be recorded in history as one massive, extended, global disruption: A global pandemic, prolonged economic uncertainty, political confusion, distrust of the news, riots, and protests. But most of all, 2020 will be remembered as a time that forced people to spend time alone and disrupted the way people think.
Being alone, a person gets a lot of time to think. Your mind can be your greatest friend, but for some, it can also be the greatest enemy. In 11 studies, people chose to do mundane activities or even administer electric shocks to themselves instead of being left alone in a room for 6 to 15 minutes with their thoughts and do nothing but think. People rather do something than nothing, even if that something is negative or harmful. We are so busy constantly running, maybe, because psychologically, we don’t want to stop and think. The smartphone is probably the most powerful tool ever created to prevent a person from having time alone or time with family. And so are the other addictions mentioned above.
What are we supposed to think about, anyway, when we have so much time alone? Divorced, baal teshuvas, people who are struggling to find a spouse, the elderly – the list of the lonely goes on. How can a person make time spent alone a beautiful time? One successful, normal, extremely lonely person told me that he hears the walls screaming silence when he is home alone! How can one cope with that?
After Yaakov crossed over Maavar Yabok, he came back for some lost jugs. וַיִּוָּתֵ֥ר יַעֲקֹ֖ב לְבַדּ֑וֹ and Yaakov remained alone. The Midrash here says something hard for me even to write. Although G-d is incomparable, some Tzaddikim can be likened to Him in certain ways and perform, on a small scale, the miracles that He will perform at the End of days. Eliyahu Hanavi revived the dead and stopped the rain; Elisha the prophet revived the dead, helped a barren woman get pregnant, etc. Yaakov is compared to G-d in the sense that he was alone, just like G-d will be alone at the End of Days, as all evil will dissipate. וְנִשְׂגַּ֧ב יְקֹוָ֛ק לְבַדּ֖וֹ בַּיּ֥וֹם הַהֽוּא. And YKVK will remain alone on that day.
What is the meaning of this comparison between Yaakov’s being alone and G-d’s being alone? And why does the Midrash single out Eliyahu and Elisha as the Tzaddikim likened to G-d on a small scale? It seems that there is greatness in being alone, and great things happen when great people are alone. When a person is alone, he can connect to his Neshama, connect to G-d. A lonely woman told me she could not stand being alone at home with her husband anymore. She could not stand the sound of his breathing. “But who is deciding that he should breathe? G-d! אתה נפחת בי ואתה משמרה בקרבי. You blew (my Neshama) into me, and You are guarding my soul and breath in me. Every time you hear him breathing, You are observing G-d with you, in the room, breathing your husband!”
When Yaakov overcame the Angel and was alone again at sunrise, the passuk says, וַיִּֽזְרַֽח־ל֣וֹ הַשֶּׁ֔מֶשׁ and the sun rose for him. The commentators ask, what does that mean, the sun rose for Yaakov? The sun rises for everyone! The answer is that only through being alone can you realize that when G-d brings up the sun, He brings it up for you! When you are alone, you realize on a deeper level that G-d is so close, so personal, so real, and so easy to relate to!
Of course, the point here is not about turning into an isolated monk. It is about being comfortable with the time you choose or have to be alone. People who have healthy and successful marriages and relationships know that you need to split your time into three. Time together, time with others, and time alone. Avraham, Yaakov, the 12 tribes, Moshe, Shaul, and David all chose to be shepherds because shepherding gives you a lot of time to be with yourself, with your Neshama, with G-d. And there is nothing more empowering than that. This is why the Midrash mentioned earlier singles out Eliyahu and Elisha. They were masters of meditation and Hitbodedut. From them we learn how important it is to be alone, with G-d. (See Rabenu Bachye Bereshit 46;32)
When Yaakov was alone on Har Hamoriah, he said, אָכֵן֙ יֵ֣שׁ יְקֹוָ֔ק בַּמָּק֖וֹם הַזֶּ֑ה וְאָנֹכִ֖י לֹ֥א יָדָֽעְתִּי. R’ Shimshon from Astripoli (1600-1648) explains this with a Kabalistic twist. Four חיות הקודש, Angels called Hayot, carry the Holy Throne of G-d. The shapes of the faces of these four Angels are אריה Lion, כרוב Cherub, נשר Eagle or vulture, אדם Face of Man. (Yehezkel 10;14) The Talmud tells us that the face of Man is Yaakov’s face. (Hulin 91b) Until Yaakov’s dream, Yaakov only knew of the three other faces, א’ריה, כ’רוב, נ’שר. That is why he said, אכן I know that G-d is here and that the faces of the angels are of a Lion, Cherub, and Eagle, the acronym of them all being אכן. But I never knew that my face appears upon the Holy Throne, ואנכי לא ידעתי, א’ריה, נ’שר, כ’רוב, י’עקב Alone with G-d, Yaakov had the most empowering experience.
When you have time alone, you get to know yourself. As you discover your purpose and what you are truly passionate about, you recharge as your purpose becomes greater than your fears. You become empowered to do what you need to do in life without the need for validation or approval. You begin to understand where you should invest your time, money, effort. You find out what you are good at and what you are not good at. It builds your confidence and empowers you to make a bigger impact on your world.
Selfie steps for time spent being alone:
- Count your blessings. Ask yourself what you have to be grateful about, in the greatest detail. Include gratitude of past, present, or future. Ask how your blessings obligate you and to whom they obligate you.
- Challenge yourself to uncover where your beliefs and thinking have been inaccurate, regarding past, present, and future. Examples: Inaccurate Fears. Frustrations. Failures.
- What negative experiences did you inaccurately perceive as Permanent, Personal, Pervasive.
- What are just some of the endless choices and options that G-d gives you to make a better future for yourself, your family, your world?
- What is in your control, and what is not; how can you accept what is not in your control? What are some of the infinite options for G-d to make things better?
- Do NOT think negative thoughts when you are alone 1. Blaming others. 2. Guilt. 3. How stuck you are. 4. What you want and can’t have. Just as you would distance yourself from negative friends, it is equally important to distance yourself from your negative inner voice.
