THE ART OF PATIENCE
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THE ART OF PATIENCE
Parashat Toldot
Republicans want things to stay the way they were. (GOP – Great Old Party) The Democrats want change; they want to rethink what is considered moral. The Democrats’ claim against the Republicans is that the Founding Fathers were not that moral. It was immoral to kill the Indians as they were here first. It is immoral to capture Africans and enslave them. Etc. The Democrats’ argument seems to be, why keep the old moral systems if they have no relevant basis today.
Judaism views the ways of both the Republicans and the Democrats as faulty. Moral values are not decided by men of the past or present. Morality is decided by the Torah, by G-d and by the Sages who study G-d’s word and are His messengers. Yes, the Torah allows slavery, but, as Abraham Lincoln pointed out in his second Inaugural address, not the way that the Confederates captured and enslaved Africans. Yes, the Jews took over the Land of Canaan, but only because G-d promised it to them (see first Rashi Bereshit), unlike the Founding Fathers who got rid of the Indians.
In his late 20’s, Benjamin Franklin recorded thirteen virtues in his Poor Richards Almanac that he attempted to live by. Ben placed each one on a separate page in a small book that he kept with him for most of his life. Ben would evaluate his performance in each one daily. Ben would also select one virtue to focus on for a full week. Although Ben was not successful in keeping to his own virtues, I respect him for, at least, having a moral code that he held himself accountable to! A person feels good with himself/herself only when they have a clear set of moral values and live by them. Did you ever ask yourself what your virtues, ethics, and morals are?
According to Ben, the personal traits to succeed in achieving your goals are Temperance: eat and drink moderately. Order: Everything has a time and place. Resolution: Do what you are supposed to do. Frugality: Waste nothing. Moderation: Avoid extremes. Industry: Lose no time. Cut off all unnecessary actions. Personal Cleanliness: in body, clothes, and living space. Tranquility: Don’t let small, common, or unavoidable problems bother you. The five social traits Franklin suggests to improve relationships are Silence: Say only what benefits others or yourself. Sincerity: Think and speak innocently and justly. Justice: Don’t cause harm to others; remember their rights and what you owe them. Moral conduct: Remain loyal to your spouse. Humility: Learn from the great, humble of the past.
At the time, R’ Yisrael Salanter, father of Mussar, made his own, Torah-based ethical code of thirteen virtues, something he lived by. Compare and contrast R’ Yisrael’s list to that of Ben’s, and you will find great insight. Some of the words in Hebrew cannot be translated into one English word. אמת . Never let a lie leave your lips. זריזות. Don’t waste a second. חריצות Do whatever you decide to do promptly and wholeheartedly. כבוד Respect every person, even if you disagree with him/her. מנוחה Be calm and serene, always. נחת Speak calmly. ניקיון Personal cleanliness and purity. סבלנות Have patience with everything that happens in life. סדר Order and structure. ענווה Recognize your shortcomings and not those of others. צדק Forgive others, give in to others, especially to the poor. קמוץ Don’t spend unnecessarily. שתיקה Calculate the benefit of your speech before you speak.
Although the lists seem to be remarkably similar, R Yisrael’s list deals less with Moral relationships and, instead, stresses speaking softly, having patience in dealing with difficult people and situations. R’ Yisrael’s list adopts the ideas mentioned in the Iggerret Haramban, which focuses, primarily, on humility and soft speech. R’ Yisrael also describes humility, instead of recommending learning from people we don’t know personally. What is essential to notice is that the nuances are pivot points – that those small differences mature into major ones! Real humility, patience, and soft spokenness, traits that Yaakov exemplified, can make a tremendous overall difference in an entire character!
Yaakov and Esav seemed so similar for the first 13 years of their life. No one knew that they were different. So much so, Yitzhak and Rivka made the parenting mistake of their life: they brought them up the same and gave them the same schooling! (R’ Shimshon R. Hirsh) Only when they were 15 did we see the stark contrast between the two. How does the Torah describe the difference at the outset, when they were just 13? Yaakov was an innocent man, dwelling in tents, while Esav was a man who understood hunting, a man of the field. Rashi explains this to mean a man who wastes time and hunts with bows animals and birds. I can understand how Rashi learns that Esav is a man who hunts, but how does Rashi learn that Esav, being a man of the fields, wasted time? The Rosh understands the word שדה to be an acronym שֹׁפֵךְ֙ דַּ֣ם הָֽאָדָ֔ם, which means that Esav would lie in ambush in the fields, away from civilization, to murder people. The K’li Yakar learns that Esav would be in the field to rape girls, in a place where no one would hear them scream. But how does Rashi know that Esav wasted time?
Hunting game is for people who are bored and for people who are materialistic. When a person gets busy with food and drink and other earthly bodily pleasures, he starts to belittle fear of G-d and serving Him. Spirituality becomes secondary when Pleasure comes first. (Rabenu Bachye) Esav had a second name added. Edom. When and why was Edom added? When Esav comes home, tired from sinning 5 major sins in one day, on the day of Grandpa Avraham’s death, he smells the lentils that Yaakov was preparing for Yitzhak’s meal of mourning. Esav says to Yaakov הַלְעִיטֵ֤נִי נָא֙ מִן־הָאָדֹ֤ם הָאָדֹם֙ הַזֶּ֔ה Give me, now, a big mouthful of this red pottage. Why did Esav refer to lentils that were being cooked as red? Don’t red lentils turn brown when they are cooked?
The answer is that Esav can’t wait for the food to be ready! He needs to have what he wants, NOW! Edom means red impatient, unwilling to wait for the big things in life, and, for sure, not for the big things of the afterlife. Not having patience is what led Esav to the five grave sins he committed on that fateful day. Raped an engaged girl, killed, denied G-d’s existence, denied the Resurrection of the dead. He could not have the patience to follow the laws of Firstborn Priesthood, so he gave that up too. (Bava B 16b) He didn’t have enough self-control to wait for the appropriate time to get married, nor did he have the patience to earn his own money, so he became איש שדה.
At the pivotal point, at the age of 13, the Torah classifies Yaakov as a yeshiva student, and Esav, as a person who wasted time?!? Is that the way to personify such polarized differences?
The answer is that this is where it all begins, at the nuances and small differences in virtues and moral standards. The best men come from patient yeshiva students who maximize their time, and the worst men come from people who waste time and have no patience. Patience, of course, is rooted in humility. Rashi says, on the passuk וְהָאִ֥ישׁ מֹשֶׁ֖ה עָנָ֣יו מְאֹ֑ד מִכֹּל֙ הָֽאָדָ֔ם And the man Moshe was the humblest of men, Rashi explains this humility as patience. Because when a person is humble, he realizes that no one owes him/her anything. Neither G-d nor people. Do you realize how much patience G-d has and had for you, waiting for you to take your life seriously? G-d waited during ten generations of sinners, 1656 years, before bringing the Flood, to show us how much patience He has with humanity! (Avot 5,2) There is no better way of being G-dly than by being patient with yourself, others, and with G-d.
Today, more than ever before, people have lost patience for waiting. Waiting for Mashiach, for the final results of the elections, for something big to happen in the news. Waiting for life to get back to normal, for the Covid vaccine, or for the stocks to mature and make me rich. Waiting for a raise, a stimulus, a donation, or an email from a customer. Waiting for an apology, a date, a compliment, a job- offer. I think it is because like R’ Yisrael teaches, G-d wants us to learn patience.
Selfie steps to patience
- Only with patience can you conquer, master, win, understand, forgive, love, hope, sell, buy, write, educate, heal, diet, grow, succeed, influence, have children and help them transform into adults. A man who is a master at patience is a master at everything else.
- Patience is not passive. On the contrary, patience is concentrated strength. Your patience can come from a place of letting go of yourself. Or it can come from a place of holding on to yourself. When you run out of patience, it means that your patience came from a weak, inner place, from the outset. Your patience had a limit, an expiration date. Those who their patience endures are those who were strong internally from the beginning. Those who understand that patience is bitter at the outset, but its fruits are sweet don’t give their patience any limit. Because they know that all things are difficult before they become easy.
- Patience is something you have to have the patience to acquire. At every red light, every traffic jam, every disrespectful comment.
- Learn to become a human being, not a human having or a human doing. We love being in control, watching our efforts produce immediate results, and a direct connection between what we do and what we get. Patience is a lesson that G-d is boss, and that what you have and do, is because G-d allowed it to be so.
- Ironically, people who have no patience are usually people who waste time. (Esav) Make sure you use your time wisely, working smarter, not harder. The most productive people, the highest achievers, those with the best time management skills, seem to have the most patience.
- Most importantly, pray for patience, in the Patience Prayer of Elokay Netzor, at the end of Amidah. Pray to watch your tongue, to not respond to adversity, to be humble, to open your heart to wisdom.
