THE ART OF MODESTY
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THE ART OF MODESTY
The Gemara in Megillah 13b teaches us something profound: In the merit of the modesty that was in Rachel, she merited that Shaul would descend from her, and in the merit of the modesty that was in Shaul, he merited that Esther would descend from him, and through her, Haman fell. The modesty of Shaul was that when they told him he would be king, he didn’t reveal this to anyone. The modesty of Esther was that “Esther did not reveal her birthplace or her people,” even though it would have brought her great honor to tell everyone she was the granddaughter of King Shaul. But we need to understand – what does this have to do with modesty?
There is a tremendous principle here: Anything that remains internal is extremely strong, because it isn’t weakened by the outside. But when something goes outside, the external situation encounters it and changes it. This is how it works in the physical world. Take a thermos bottle, for example. As long as it’s closed, the water is surrounded by the bottle with no contact between the water and the outside air. The cold outside air has no influence on it, and the heat is preserved. But when you open it and contact is created between the air and the water, the outside air affects the water and it cools down.
This is also true for the feelings of the soul. It’s written in Mishlei (12:25), דְּאָגָ֣ה בְלֶב־אִ֣ישׁ יַשְׁחֶ֑נָּה “Anxiety in a person’s heart – yishchenah,” and the Gemara Yomah 75a expounds: “Yesichenah – let him tell it to others.” How does this help? When the anxiety is internal, it’s very strong and causes great worry. By telling it to others, this feeling is no longer so internal – it weakens and doesn’t cause as much suffering.
All addicts need to understand this. What holds someone in an addiction, more than anything, is ironically shame. Whether it is Alcohol, Marijuana, Smoking, Vaping, Gambling, and especially the addiction to inappropriate content or behavior. The addict holds in his dark secret: the fact that he is not free, that he is a slave to his addiction. The word for addiction in Hebrew is התמכרות – the person sold himself like a slave to this dopamine rush and cannot control his own behavior. This, of course, is very embarrassing. The way to fight any addiction is first, to stop being ashamed that you are not in control and that you need help, that you can’t fight this on your own. As long as you keep this addiction to yourself, as long as you are alone with your dark secret, the dopamine is much stronger, the triggers are much more controlling. But when you go to AA meetings and you are open about it, when you ask for help from the people closest to you, you will see they will respect you more. You will see you will start coming up with solutions to slowly come out of the addiction.
A basic need in human psyche is honor. The Neshama itself is called כבוד, honor. עורה כבודי, למען יזמרך כבוד ולא ידום… If you don’t respect yourself, you will need and search respect from other people. And if you don’t respect yourself at all, you will find yourself demanding, forcing, manipulating people closest to you to respect you. How do you begin to respect yourself? By doing things that you value in a way that NO ONE knows about it! When you do good deeds that just you and G-d know, you begin to respect yourself. That modesty is what keeps your self respect, dignity, and worthiness insulated and close to heart.
Modesty is for men just like it is for women. וְהַצְנֵ֥עַ לֶ֖כֶת עִם־אֱלֹקיךָ Rachel, daughter of Kalba Sabua, chose to love Akiva the shepherd because he was modest. He did good things that no one knew. And one of the things that bothered Akiva the shepherd the most was when Rabbis would use their Torah knowledge to shun and step on other people, the opposite of modesty!
In spirituality it’s the same way. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe said that the great mussar masters, when they had some enlightenment that awakened them and strengthened them in serving Hashem, didn’t share it with others. Because as long as it remained in their inner being, it was strong and influenced them tremendously for growth. But if they told it to others, it would be somewhat outside and would be weakened by the external, and it would no longer affect them as much. For example: The Alter of Kelm zt”l had an enlightenment that he kept in his heart for fifteen years, and only when he felt that he had already exhausted its influence on himself did he share it with his students. The father of the Gaon Rabbi Yechiel Meir of Ostrovtza zt”l, before his passing, called his son when he was a young and wise scholar, and told him: “Son, I wasn’t a Torah scholar… I was a baker … but I will teach you a very important principle: The more closed the oven is, the hotter it is…”
This takes us back to Rachel’s modesty, her hidden greatness. It was not about her dress code, alone, it was about the power she had to conceal her good deeds in a wondrous way. When she said to Yaakov: “Give me children,” Yaakov told her to pray. She said to him: Avraham also had children, yet he still prayed for Sarah. He said to her: Sarah brought Hagar, her rival wife, into her home, and therefore she was remembered. Rachel said to him: If so, I too will bring my maidservant Bilhah(Rashi 30:1-3, Bereishit Rabbah 71:7).
This is very puzzling. Didn’t Rachel do something far greater? She brought Leah in her place, and she wasn’t certain that Yaakov would marry her as well, especially since they were two sisters. This was certainly a much greater sacrifice and kindness than bringing in her maidservant when she was already his wife! In truth, Rachel’s merit that endured for generations was that she gave up everything and brought her sister to be Yaakov’s wife. So why did Yaakov tell her she hadn’t done what Sarah did?
The answer is that Yaakov didn’t know at all about the deed Rachel had done – that she gave up everything for her sister – because Rachel never revealed it to him!!
Here is another display of Rachel’s modesty: When Rachel asked Leah for the dudaim (mandrakes), Leah said to her: “Is it a small thing that you have taken my husband, you also want take my son’s dudaim?” (Bereishit 30:15) Isn’t it enough that my husband is always with you, and you also want the dudaim?!
This is very difficult to understand. Everything Leah had, being Yaakov’s wife to begin with, was only because of Rachel’s sacrifice. How could she say “you have taken my husband”? The answer is that even Leah didn’t know that Rachel had given her up! Rachel gave her the signs of how to respond to Yaakov on her wedding night in a way that Leah could know what to say to Yaakov without realizing the full extent of Rachel’s sacrifice. She just told her sister, that to be a Jewish Mother, you need to know the laws of Challah, Candles, and Family Purity! Those laws were the code that Yaakov gave Rachel, to make sure that it was Rachel under the Chuppah!
Even in the Torah itself, this tremendous deed in whose merit the Jews will leave exile, as it says “for there is reward for your work, and the children will return to their borders” (Yirmiyahu 31:15) … is not explicitly written! Why? This is modesty – keeping the virtue and holiness strong inside. Because the more something is internal and hidden, the more it is strong, and has great influence.
From this modesty of Rachel came Yosef HaTzaddik, whose righteousness was also in concealment, as it says, “Yosef sanctified Hashem’s name in secret” by not being with Potifar’s wife (Sotah 10b). He engaged in concealing his mother when they met Esav and merited the blessing of being like fish that are hidden.וְיִדְגּ֥וּ לָרֹ֖ב בְּקֶ֥רֶב הָאָֽרֶץ It is in this merit that Yosef has the power of modesty, that only through him Esav would fall. Esav’s evil is hidden and strong, as it says אֵ֚יךְ נֶחְפְּשׂ֣וּ עֵשָׂ֔ו נִבְע֖וּ מַצְפֻּנָֽיו “How Esav is searched out, his hidden things are revealed” (Ovadiah 1:6)
We know that Avraham Avinu knew about Maarat Hamachpelah from when the three angels came as guests. He kept that secret till Sarah’s death, 37 years! If he would have opened his mouth, Efron would have never sold Hebron to him! Only because Esther did not initially reveal that she was Jewish, she could later reveal it at the exact moment when it would have maximum impact. Esther’s revelation at the second banquet was devastating precisely because it was unexpected, as if she was playing chess with Haman, and now she pulls a check mate on him.Esther’s willingness to hide her identity represented complete self-nullification (bittul hayesh) for the sake of her people. This spiritual preparation was necessary for her to merit being the vessel for the miracle.
Sometimes in life, your silence, your modesty, is your superpower. Hold on to it!
