THE ART OF FEELING FOR OTHERS
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THE ART OF FEELING FOR OTHERS
This week’s Torah portion contains an interesting nuance. It begins with the genealogy of the tribes: “These are the heads of their fathers’ houses: the sons of Reuven… the sons of Shimon… and these are the names of the sons of Levi.” The Shnei Luchot HaBrit (Shlah Hakadosh) poses a question: Why does the Torah use the word “names” specifically for the sons of Levi, while this term is absent for Reuven and Shimon?
The Shlah explains that the tribe of Levi, though exempt from the harsh slavery in Egypt, chose to empathize with the suffering of the rest of the Jewish Nation. How? By naming their children after the pain of the exile. Levi named his sons Gershon, symbolizing the alienation of being strangers (“gerim”) in a foreign land; Kehat, referring to the dulling of their teeth from suffering (as in הקהה את שיניו that we say on Seder Night about the Rasha son); and Merari, reflecting the bitterness (“marar”) of their lives. Thus, the Torah says, “These are the names of the sons of Levi,” emphasizing their connection to the shared anguish of their brethren.
The Shlah draws a powerful lesson from this: A person must share in the pain of the community, even if they themselves are not directly affected.
Several years ago, three young men were arrested in Japan on suspicion of smuggling. A delegation of rabbis and community leaders approached Rabbi Aharon Leib Shteinman for his blessing, praying that the boys would soon be released from darkness to light. The next morning, Rabbi Chananya Chollak, the head of the organization Ezer Mizion, visited Rabbi Shteinman and noticed that the Rabbi’s eyes were red and swollen, resembling an eye infection. Rabbi Chollak suggested that the Rabbi use eye drops to prevent further irritation.
Rabbi Shteinman replied simply: “Did you not hear? Three boys were arrested in Japan, and who knows what their fate will be in court? I spent the entire night reciting chapters of Tehillim and crying in prayer for their release. That is why my eyes are red.”
Rabbi Yehuda HaChassid writes in Sefer Chassidim: “Since all of Israel are guarantors for one another, when one person suffers, everyone must share in that suffering and pray for them.” Amram, who was a Levite, called his daughter the name Miriam, just like his family tradition. The name “Miriam” is understood to be derived from the Hebrew root “מר” (mar), meaning “bitter,” reflecting the hardships and bitter experiences of the Jews during their bondage in Egypt. The Jews were in Egypt for a total of 210 years. The last 86 years, of the 210, were the years of bitter slavery and Holocaust. Miriam was born, at the beginning of those 86 years, so she was called Miriam. She was 86 at the time of the Exodus.
Miriam’s name was inspired by the bitterness of Egypt. Imagine if parents today tried the same logic. It might go something like this: Parent: “We named our daughter ‘Traffic Jam’ because she was born during rush hour.” Friend: “And your son?” Parent: “Overdraft—because, well, you know how kids are expensive.”
People today, are so focused on their own pains, they don’t see the pain of anyone else, even the pain of their own children. When your child comes home, and just has no energy to go back for another day to learn by his/her teacher, you have two choices. You can see that the kid is in pain, that the child is suffering with someone who drains their energy. Or you could focus on your own pain, that you don’t have time/energy/money/ headspace to deal with this kids issue. Whether or not, the child is manipulating to miss more school, get more vacations, to get more attention, to not work hard, is all irrelevant.
Right now, the child is in pain.
The question is, can you feel your child’s pain? Even if he/she is manipulating you emotionally because of the pain they have, most of the time, the child who is manipulating has no idea they are manipulating! Made up suffering, can sometimes hurt just as much as real suffering!
Here is a story I heard, that I can’t get over. If someone would ask, who was probably the smartest Jew since the time of the Talmud? I would answer, probably the Rambam. Rabbi Moshe Ben Maimon. Maimonides. Well, it was not always that way.
Moshe, son of Rabbi Maimon, was not a studious student. His father Rabbi Maimon, who insisted on excellence, would not have it. No matter if you work or learn, in my house, you need to be a Talmid Hacham. You need to know Torah, Halacha, etc. Young Moshe, was asked to leave home.
He wandered to the city of Migash. He met there the Gadol Hador, the Ri Migash. The Ri Migash took young Moshe under his wing. After a while, Moshe became a great Torah scholar. The Ri Migash commanded him to go back to his home town where his father was a Rabbi. The Ri Migash gave the young scholar a letter, that he was supposed to give to the Gabbay of the shul. The letter commanded the Gabbay of the shul, that this young scholar should speak in shul, when it is at full capacity, and that this young scholar was to be the next Rabbi of the city.
At the young Rambam’s speech, in the audience, was Rabbi Maimon, the Rambam’s father, who did not recognize his own son! After the speech, he invited the young scholar to his house for a meal. After the meal, Rabbi Maimon offered his daughter, to marry this young scholar. The young scholar refused, saying he can’t marry Rabbi Maimon’s daughter. Rabbi Maimon, insulted, asked, why not? He answered, because it is forbidden from the Torah, for me to marry your daughter! The father now was even more insulted, saying, “Why is it forbidden from the Torah to marry my daughter? She is a good, kosher girl, from a good kosher family! I am a Rabbi in town, and she is such a modest girl!!”
The young Rambam replied, “It says in the Torah, a brother can’t marry a sister.” The father could not believe it! He cried and cried, and apologized from his son, how he mistreated him so many years ago!
We need to feel the pain of the hostages and their families, or at least imagine that we can feel somewhat of their pain, so we can pray for them the way we are supposed to. We need to also feel the pain of our children, when they are going through childhood, teenage life, married life, parenthood, etc.
As I am writing this article, my mother thanked me for giving up my office to someone from my community who needed to come to Israel and needed a place to stay. My mother said, wow! Yosef ! What a chessed! I told my mother, No. I have Hakarat Hatov, I am grateful to this family,…
When I was in 7th grade, in Deal NJ, this visitor’s brother was there for me, when I was not accepted by my own friends (because I was a Deal boy, but not a Yankee fan). And then again, that same brother, was there for me, when I was feeling not part of the chevra (friends) in my year in Israel, in Yeshivat Mikdash Melech (I was too yeshivish then for the Mikdash crowd). My mother had no idea, to what extent of pain I was in then, although she knew I was having a hard time.
You see, our Rabbis teach, that a person can be a physical hostage, but one can also be an emotional hostage or spiritual hostage. They need someone to help them release them from that, and the way to free them from their hostage, is through empathy. By fathoming, how that the person is stuck. The Evil Inclination can hold one down, mostly through depressing thoughts. Lonely thoughts. Helpless and hopeless thoughts.
I don’t mean, chas veshalom, in any way, to make light of the pain of the hostages, by comparing hostages to people in pain. But I want people to understand, that there are people alive who have no lives. For example, they are addicted to their phones, hostages of their phones, and they can’t stop. If you give them a pill to stop their digital addiction, they would take it. They just don’t have such a pill. They know they’re trapped in this digital cycle but often feel powerless to break free.
Just today, I overheard one Rebbi in Yeshivat Lev Aharon telling his student something scary. One sixth of this student’s day, he spends on his phone. That means, if we combine all the hours spend digitally, that every six years of this person’s life, a whole year, is dedicated to just phone usage. Six years he lives life, and on the seventh, brain dead. 365 days, hostage to his phone.
I know this sounds crazy, and nothing hurts a parent more than seeing their child addicted to their device. First and foremost, have empathy. The child knows, he is a hostage to his phone, and he can’t stop. Feel their pain, and be there with them, in their pain. How do I compare this to hostage? Our Rabbis tell us, it is worse to make someone sin, then to kill the person. Because when you kill someone, you end his life of This World, which is temporary. When you make them sin, you cause them to end his life of the World to Come, which is eternal. There are people who are not living a life of meaning, because they are stuck in their Yetzer Hara’s traps.
The reason why we don’t feel the other’s pain, is because we are so hyper focused on our pain. We have triggers of guilt, shame, regret, from our own past choices, from our youth, from our parenting mistakes, from our own digital addictions, that when we see the child in pain, we don’t see the pain, we just see his mistakes! We then go into parenting mode, out of fear, that things will torpedo worse, if we don’t step up now with some rule, restriction, nasty face, or other parenting tools we thought we had. This is a grave mistake. A child in pain needs a parent, not a critic, and your presence is more powerful than your solutions. If you can just be a loving parent at this time, your child will remember that parental love, till his last breath, even if he forgets everything else that you did for him.
The best parenting tool we have is love. Feeling their pain, deeply, and showing them that we are accepting them and loving them no matter what. When we show our children, that we accept them, when they can’t even accept themselves, nothing will cure them more. No psychologist, coach, teacher or mentor, can do this healing for them of, acceptance and containing, like a parent can. Because this is pain, that they need someone with a much closer relationship with them, to heal them.
Truth be told, they are usually not doing anything on their phones 90 percent of the time, anyway. I asked Chat GPT, what are the funniest things, that kids waste time on their phone most of the time doing. 1. The Quest for the Perfect Filter ( to make them look like someone they wish they looked like) 2. Staring at the Endless Abyss of ‘Suggested For You’ 3. Emotional Rollercoaster of ‘Likes’ and ‘Followers’ 4. Watching People Watch Paint Dry on YouTube 5. Watching Other People Eat Food 6. Who’s dating who gossip 7. Getting Into Deep ‘Discussions’ About Which Disney Character Would Win in a Fight 8. Reading Reviews of Movies They’re Not Going to Watch 9. Spending an Hour Trying to Get Their Avatar to Wear the Right Hat in a Game 10. Rewatching the Same 5-Second Video of a Dog Sneezing 50 Times
This is it. How sad. What a pity. How could you get upset at a child who is so lost, without first understanding that the child is so dysfunctional, because of the pains the child is going through?
