THE ART OF BEING YOU
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THE ART OF BEING YOU
The question we need to ask in the very beginning of the parasha is why the order seems off. G-d asks Avraham to leave his land, his birthplace and his father’s home. Geographically, the order is backwards. You first leave your father’s home, and then you leave your birthplace community, and then you can leave your homeland. If I ask you to leave your house in Brooklyn, I tell you first to leave Ocean Parkway, then to leave New York and then to leave the United States. Why is the order here backwards?
The answer is that G-d was telling Avraham something different from what it appears on the surface. G-d wasn’t just giving Abraham a travel itinerary but, rather, solid self-help advice. He was telling Abraham (and all of us) to leave behind some baggage we’d be better off without. “Go forth from your father’s house” is not a message about moving out of Mom and Dad’s basement. “Go forth from your birthplace” is not a call to just leave your community. It is much deeper than that.
As kids, we absorb all kinds of ideas. Maybe you grew up thinking you had to choose a “serious” career because “it’s what successful people do.” Your dad always said, “Money doesn’t grow on trees,” so now you never spend a penny, and you don’t believe in trying to create a proper investment portfolio, so that money actually does grow on trees for you. Abraham was told to leave “his father’s house,” which could mean, “Stop carrying around every opinion, fear and outdated life-lesson you picked up as a kid.” Leave you community, and leave all those cultures that don’t serve you, for who you really are.
Meaning, identify and let go of labels or beliefs that limit your potential. Maybe you see yourself as “not creative,” “bad at math,” or “too shy.” The only way to reach your full potential is to walk away from all that nonsense – from your own self-imposed limits and from the half-baked wisdom you grew up hearing. Break free from the things that no longer serve you.
One of my brothers whose opinion I respect told me that I can never be a business coach, if I never ran a business. That was 12 years ago. Now, I met a master business coach, who told me that that was nonsense. To be a great business coach, you need to understand business, learn about business from other people’s mistakes – not necessarily your own.
I grew up believing I can’t read fast, watching how my older brother would zip through books, finishing 3 books the time it took me to finish one. Although I was always a serious student, I never actually learned how to speed read. Now I look back and laugh! Today, not only did I learn from studying how to study effectively to read at the speed of 1000 words a minute, I trained hundreds to read at that speed!
I remember when I wanted to open a Yeshiva in Israel that would actually be a training ground, boot camp. We would help people become super performers in all areas of life. One of the people closest to me convinced me out of it back then, saying that I am not the type who knows how to run organizations or run offices. I am better at the one on one, and I should stick to writing. Today, I am working in a yeshiva, and my job there is to be the Swiss Army Knife. It is my job to make sure that every job that needs to be done and is not being done does not fall through the cracks. From office, to discipline, to teaching, to coaching, to fundraising, to PR, to making the ice coffee.
Think about those voices that are so deep in your head, that you don’t hear them anymore. But they pop up whenever you try to break through your own limits. Here are the most common ones: “I’m not good enough.” “Success requires sacrifice or suffering.” “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” “Creativity isn’t practical.” “I have to do it alone.” “People will judge me if I fail.” “I’m not (smart/creative/spiritual) enough.” “It’s too late to change.” “Others’ needs are more important than mine.” “I don’t deserve success.” “I’m too old/young to start something new.” “I must be perfect to be accepted.” “Money is the root of all evil.” “I can’t change; it’s just the way I am.” “I don’t have enough time.” “People won’t like me if I express my true self” “Failure is bad and should be avoided.”
We are brought up to conform to society, from kindergarten we are told to eat what and when and how. From earliest childhood, if you were a good kid in class, if you ate your sandwich at lunch break, you were good. If you did not follow orders, you were naughty. Who said? That might work for the government, that wants us all to have 9-5 jobs, but it might not work for your soul, or the soul of your teenage kids.
When you start the journey of your soul, to follow its calling to your Promised Land, you will be faced with shock and disappointment, just like Avraham was. The promised land is called Canaan, for it is humbling, as the word Canaan shares the root of Kniah, which means, humbled. When you reach the Promised Land of your soul, you will be told all the things you were brought up to be afraid of as a kid. You will fail, and that will cause all those inner voices to turn on.
But you know what??!! It does not mean you will fail forever! You might lose the short term battle, but if you are being you, you will win the war! Finding and developing strengths is a gradual process, and setbacks are natural. When you are being you, you won’t be stressed! The word מתח stress shares the same root as מתוח stretched. Stress comes from when you are stretching yourself passed your limits. You are not Superman or Superwoman. You can only do what you can do. You can only be who you are.
Lech lecha means go in ward. Be you.
At a wedding last week, I met Mordechai Ben David. Growing up, I used to love singing, but people would tell me that my voice did not sound good, but I had potential. When I went to voice lessons at 19-years old, the voice teacher asked me what type of voice, which singer, was the type of voice that I wanted to work towards. I told him MBD, and he said that is a good idea, being that I have a deep and powerful voice. Now, I was actually going to ask MBD himself the question, now that he is in his early 70s. I asked him, that as a coach, I have clients who want to grow up and become singers. Does he recommend that people go into that profession, to become singers?
MBD answered me that he did not know. He never tried to be a singer. He was just being himself. He was a natural, born singer.
What are your strengths? is not a simple question. There is a whole psychology called Strengths Psychology. There are Strengths Finder books, and it is worth looking into this subject. In the yeshiva where I work, I am trying to help out with Job Descriptions for the staff. Believe it or not, employees want to know exactly what their job description is, more than the employer wants to assign them one. The employer just wants the job to be done, without having any interest in the description of what it is.
What is interesting, though, is that when we want to help someone with clarifying what that person should be doing in an organization, we need to figure something else out. What are that person’s strengths. Only one third of people have the opportunity to do what they do best, every day. Finding your passion is not an easy task, but it is the only way to help you to stick to something long-term and not burn out. It is the only way to make every day interesting.
To be yourself is a full-time job. You can’t just try to be yourself, just a little. If you find that you are only good at napping, procrastinating or eating, it is because you never really looked inward and discovered your strengths and things that you are passionate about; and if you did, you never really invested in yourself.
One of the closest people to me advised me not to rent an office space for a clinic, to coach my clients. I was told to stick to coaching on zoom, in one of my bedrooms in my Israel apartment, or meeting people in various places. Why waste the money? What a mistake!! It turns out, that a cost-effective office was for rent in my very own building, one that I was able to turn into a clinic, and my sessions are a million times better, now that I invest in my services. It is the minimum I can do; if I can’t believe in myself, respect myself, how can I relay the most important message in coaching, to believe in yourself, to my clients?!
When Yaakov blessed his children on his last day, he blessed them according to their strengths. That is the biggest blessing a father can bless his son, by helping him focus on what he is good at. As King Solomon taught, when you bring up your children, focus on them, not on protocols, if you want them to follow your lead. חֲנֹ֣ךְ לַ֭נַּעַר עַל־פִּ֣י דַרְכּ֑וֹ Raise a child according to his way, גַּ֥ם כִּי־יַ֝זְקִ֗ין לֹא־יָס֥וּר מִמֶּֽנָּה so that when he gets older, what you taught him won’t leave him. Chinuch is not about conforming to systems; it is about helping each child or disciple self-actualize and reach their highest potential. When the Amoraim say how they serve G-d, they mention the things that they connect to most (Shabbat 118b). Because serving G-d, is serving him from the place that your soul is at.
The Mishna in Avot teaches, Who is a wise man? One who learns from all people. (Avot 4; 1) There is something to learn from everyone, even from you. Why throw that away? The Mishna says אַל תְּהִי בָּז לְכָל אָדָם, don’t degrade any person, שֶׁאֵין לְךָ אָדָם שֶׁאֵין לוֹ שָׁעָה, because there is no such thing as a person who does not have his time to shine. So why would you degrade yourself? Why not believe that there will come a time when you will shine, as well?
One of the things we can all learn from President Donald Trump is that is important to be your own #1 fan. Be your own brand. Look in the mirror and say, “I’m amazing! Even if no one else sees it, G-d made me AMAZING! And I love Him for it!”
Selfie Steps to find your strengths.
- Write down activities and areas where you naturally excel.
- Think back to times when you received compliments, or something you did well.
- Reflect on moments when you were fully engaged and energized. What were you doing and what skills were you using?
THE ART OF FINANCIAL SERENITY
Naturally, after the holiday season, when household expenses tend to be high, everyone starts to consider their income and expenses and make plans for the new year. It’s important to remember the words of our sages: A person’s sustenance is set from Rosh Hashanah to Rosh Hashanah.
The Chafetz Chaim likened the pursuit of wealth to this: The money decreed for us on Rosh Hashanah will reach us regardless, while what was not decreed will not come our way. He compared it to an innkeeper who earned his living by selling wine from barrels. The wine cost him dearly, and he decided to “increase his profits” by adding a second spout to the barrel. “Now I have twice as much wine flowing from the taps,” the foolish man delighted, failing to understand that adding “spouts,” or taking on additional jobs or schemes to earn more money, would not yield him a single drop more of wine.
As the wisest of men, King Solomon, said: “I returned and saw under the sun that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise,…”
וְאַתָּ֣ה קַח־לְךָ֗ מִכָּל־מַֽאֲכָל֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר יֵֽאָכֵ֔ל וְאָסַפְתָּ֖ אֵלֶ֑יךָ וְהָיָ֥ה לְךָ֛ וְלָהֶ֖ם לְאָכְלָֽה׃ And you, take for yourself, from all the food, that will be eaten, and you should gather for yourself, and it will be for you and for them, to eat. וַיַּ֖עַשׂ נֹ֑חַ כְּ֠כֹל אֲשֶׁ֨ר צִוָּ֥ה אֹת֛וֹ אֱלֹהִ֖ים כֵּ֥ן עָשָֽׂה׃ And Noah did, like all that G-d commanded him, so he did.
G-d commanded Noah to prepare food for all the inhabitants of the Ark: “And you shall take for yourself of all food that is eaten and gather it to you, and it shall be for food for you and for them.” This raises a question: Is it truly possible to prepare enough food for so many creatures, and for an entire year? Just imagine Noah’s grocery list! Noah walks into the grocery store with a shopping list from Hashem: ‘One year’s worth of food for every species on earth. Hashem said I’m covered’ The clerk stares at him. ‘Sir, do you realize I don’t have a cart big enough for a year’s supply of bug snacks Ms. Hippo’s hay, and giraffe chow?”
Commentators explain that this is what G-d first told Noah, “And you shall take for yourself”—prepare the food only for yourself and your needs for the year, and it will become enough for you AND them! In merit of Noah’s sincere faith, he would be blessed from Heaven, and a miracle would occur so that the food he gathered would also provide sustenance for the animals in the Ark. This also clarifies the Torah’s praise of Noah specifically on this passuk: “And Noah did all that G-d commanded him, so he did.” The praise lies in Noah’s strong faith; he prepared food only for himself, as commanded, and indeed was blessed to feed all the animals throughout the entire year on the Ark without lacking anything.
