THE ART OF BEING CALM AND CHEERFUL
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THE ART OF BEING CALM AND CHEERFUL
Parashat Chaye Sarah
I can’t believe I am writing this. But if just one reader, or one reader’s child thinks this helps me feel better, it’s well worth it. Lately, I have not been feeling calm, present, cheerful. I decided to turn to a good friend, Moshe Landesman, a calm and cheerful life coach, for guidance. I say to Moshe, “I am not sure why I am coming to you, someone my age, a friend. I usually go to speak to my Rebbeim, to people who are much smarter than me.” Moshe’s answer came across strong. “Because you did not come to see me. You came to see yourself. I am just going to be your mirror.”
He asks me, Yosef, I know that you are successful. Your Parasha Sheets are the Mamtak (the sweetest part) of the Shabbat table of so many families from such a broad spectrum in readership. But, Yosef, do you think of yourself as successful?” I said, I am not sure. If I had better financial security for my family like X, if I were learning more like Y, praying better like Z, I would probably feel more successful.
Moshe strikes again. “Yosef, you are one of the best life coaches I know. I am going to pitch you a model coaching session. Imagine your teenage daughter comes to you, crying, that she wishes she was more beautiful. Now, you know that she is beautiful. But she does not see it. Yosef, how do you coach her out of it?”
I answered. “Oh, that’s easy-shmeezy! Honey, you are confusing the mirror with the window! You are not looking in the mirror; you are looking out the window!” Stop looking at others; start looking at yourself. You are so unique, so beautiful!
Yosef, you are not looking in the mirror! You are looking out the window! You are comparing yourself to others, measuring your success by others’ goals and not by your own unique goals!
It is so interesting. The Western wall is called the Wailing Wall, partially because more people come there to pray with tears of pain and suffering than people who come to pray with tears of joy and thanks. When the Torah eulogizes Sarah, it tells us that Sarah was not like that. When she was 100, she was like she was at 20. There is a Hassidic twist on those words. Psalm 20 is יַֽעַנְךָ֣ יְ֭קֹוָק בְּי֣וֹם צָרָ֑ה G-d will answer you in your day of pain. Psalm 100 is מִזְמ֥וֹר לְתוֹדָ֑הA song of thanksgiving. When things worked out for Sarah, and she said psalm 100, she thanked G-d with the same passion and fire as she prayed to G-d when she had difficulties and was saying psalm 20! And the reverse was also true. When she said psalm 20, expressing pain, she read with the same fervor and thankfulness with which she read psalm 100 – both with a heart equally full of gratitude.
We forget to thank G-d when things work out the way we wished and prayed for. Why? Because we stop looking in the mirror, and we start looking out the window! And this is precisely why, so many times, our prayers are not answered. After G-d solves one problem for us, after we reach one milestone, we are already looking at others ahead of us, building new goals, praying for new things, and forgetting to thank for the miracles He has already performed! וְחַנֹּתִי֙ אֶת־אֲשֶׁ֣ר אָחֹ֔ן And I will grace those that I will grace. What do those words mean, I will grace those that I will grace? The Sefer Hazchut says that Heaven bestows grace only on those He is sure will recognize that the blessings were kindness from G-d, after receiving those blessings! The key to having your prayers answered is not to forget that it is G-d Who answers them. The Mashiach will come, when G-d is sure that we will love Him for it. ומביא גואל לבני בניהם למען שמו באהבה. One of the most powerful Segulot is to promise G-d, Bli Neder, that if He answers your prayers, you will not forget to sing him Nishmat in front of 10 men. And to write it down. (Peleh Yoetz; Kaf Hachaim; R Yehudah HaHassid)
וַיִּהְיוּ֙ חַיֵּ֣י שָׂרָ֔ה מֵאָ֥ה שָׁנָ֛ה וְעֶשְׂרִ֥ים שָׁנָ֖ה וְשֶׁ֣בַע שָׁנִ֑ים שְׁנֵי֖ חַיֵּ֥י שָׂרָֽה And they were, the life of Sarah, 100 years, and 20 years, and 7 years, the years of the life of Sarah. What is the point of the seemingly redundant words at the end of the passuk? Rashi answers כלן שוין לטובה all of her years were equal for good. What?! All of Sarah’s life was equally good? Avraham’s ten tests were as hard on Sarah as they were on Avraham, if not harder, in their own way! How could we possibly say that it was all good?
The answer is Sarah’s lesson to the world. She was the pillar and embodiment of the concept of an attribute the Baal Shem Tov calls “Equal”. To Sarah, Bad was equal to Good. Insult was equal to Compliment. Being ignored was equal to being praised. Because it is not the person, place or thing, that is the source for the bad or good coming my way. It is all from one source; it is all G-d! It is all equal! This is the secret to calmness and cheerfulness.
Whatever difficulty Sarah went through, it was just an opportunity to do kindness with G-d and trust in Him. When we say, in our prayers, וזוכר חסדי אבות , G-d remembers the kindness of the Forefathers,… what kindness can anyone do for G-d?! G-d does not need anything!! The only kindness you can do for G-d is to put your trust in Him when the going gets rough, and rely on Him because you recognize the fact that there is no one else/nothing else to rely on! כֹּ֚ה אָמַ֣ר יְקֹוָ֔ק זָכַ֤רְתִּי לָךְ֙ חֶ֣סֶד נְעוּרַ֔יִךְ אַהֲבַ֖ת כְּלוּלֹתָ֑יִךְ לֶכְתֵּ֤ךְ אַחֲרַי֙ בַּמִּדְבָּ֔ר: So said YKVK, I remember for you the kindness of your youth, the love of your bridal days, your going after Me in the desert… And before G-d tests us, He asks us for a favor – to stay strong and believe in Him. As G-d asked Avraham to offer up Yitzhak on the altar: He asked him as a favor, קַח־נָ֠א אֶת־בִּנְךָ֙. Please take your son…וְהֶאֱמִ֖ן בַּֽיקֹוָ֑ק וַיַּחְשְׁבֶ֥הָ לּ֖וֹ צְדָקָֽה
When the unexpected happens, when things don’t go as planned, people tend to lose their calm and cheerfulness. The Chida points out that the word וַיִּהְיוּ֙ , and they were, can be spelled both forward and backward. Even when things in Sarah’s life were out of order, exactly opposite of what she wanted, Sarah was able to see them in a unique perspective, as the meaning of her name, יסכה, implies. She did not look at her days as independent, unconnected units, but she saw each day, each moment as part of a bigger picture of life, ויהיו חיי שרה, and not ויהיו ימי שרה. She was happy from the day she was born, till the day of her death. She even died laughing, וַ֝תִּשְׂחַ֗ק לְי֣וֹם אַחֲרֽוֹן, knowing that she had fulfilled her mission in this world to raise a son who was willing to give up his life for G-d.
How does one ascend to this mindset? שִׁ֗יר הַֽמַּ֫עֲל֥וֹת בְּשׁ֣וּב יְ֭קֹוָק אֶת־שִׁיבַ֣ת צִיּ֑וֹן הָ֝יִ֗ינוּ כְּחֹלְמִֽים A song of ascents. When YKVK returns the captivity of Zion, we shall be like dreamers. אָ֚ז יִמָּלֵ֪א שְׂחֹ֡ק פִּינוּ֘ וּלְשׁוֹנֵ֪נוּ רִ֫נָּ֥ה Then, our mouths will be filled with laughter and our tongues, with songs of praise. We will be like dreamers – but like which dreamer?
The dreamer the pasuk refers to is Yosef, the master of dreams! וַיְהִ֤י יְקֹוָק֙ אֶת־יוֹסֵ֔ף וַיְהִ֖י אִ֣ישׁ מַצְלִ֑יחַ וַיְהִ֕י בְּבֵ֥ית אֲדֹנָ֖יו הַמִּצְרִֽי And YKVK was with Yosef, and he was a successful man, and he was in the house of his Egyptian master. Yosef, the prize student of Yaakov Avinu, is sold as a slave to an Egyptian master, whose wife is obsessively enticing him, but Yosef is considered a “successful man”! Didn’t Yosef have a dream when he was a teenager that he would be a king and support his father and brothers?! How is being a slave in Egypt being successful? Because Yosef knew that G-d was with him. It was all G-d. If you feel that G-d is with you, and you have a real relationship with Him, you feel successful, no matter what is going on in life. Everything else, everyone else, is just a dream.
In loving memory of my grandmother, Savta Sarah. A woman who never stopped laughing, no matter how hard how hard her life was.
Selfie steps to staying happy no matter what.
- Stop looking out the window at others. Start looking in the mirror, at what G-d gave you. Your success is measured by how much you realize that G-d made you unique, gives you unique challenges and adversity, and uniquely helps you overcome them. הֽוּא־עָ֭שָׂנוּ וְל֣וֹ אֲנַ֑חְנוּ עַ֝מּ֗וֹ וְצֹ֣אן מַרְעִיתֽוֹ:
- Thank G-d for what you have with the same passion that you prayed for what you don’t have. If you want your prayers for salvation to enter G-d’s gates, you need to first open those gates by thanking Him for what you’ve got. בֹּ֤אוּ שְׁעָרָ֨יו׀ בְּתוֹדָ֗ה
- Learn the secret of calm, the perspective of Equal. It is all G-d שויתי ה’ לנגדי תמיד. Everything that confronts me; it is all equally from G-d. Even though, and especially when, things don’t go as planned. The story of Nachum Ish Gamzu teaches us that the worst things happening to you, like all of your gold and silver turning to sand and dirt, can be the best thing that can happen to you. The Roman Emperor did not need a box of treasures from the Jews. But the sand of Avraham Avinu that turns into arrows to fight the enemy, that is priceless!!! The “dirt” that G-d gave you, can have more value to you than the gold and silver of everyone else!
- Stop needing people’s likes, praise, feedback to be the unique person G-d created you to be.
- Learn to laugh things off. Get into the habit of finding humor and using it, especially when things are not going as planned. ויהיו
- Learn to look at life from a broader, lifelong perspective חיי שרה and not be hyper-focused on the annoyances and frustrations of the moment by moment, day by day, ימי שרה.
In loving memory of Shulamit bat Aziz A”H
