THE ART OF BALANCING SHIELDING AND EXPLORATION
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THE ART OF BALANCING SHIELDING AND EXPLORATION
Parents often grapple with the balance between shielding children and allowing them to explore.
Shield too much, and you’ll raise a bubble-wrapped adult, who can’t change his own flat tire. They will never know how to go bowling without the bumpers, or take any important life risks, in which they may fail. Overprotection can sometimes cause a breakdown in the trust and connection between parent and child. (You want them to trust you, but you don’t trust them?!) Children may interpret a blanket denial of a request for permission as a lack of confidence in their ability to navigate the world, or lack of understanding their needs and interests. Over-sheltering children denies them the opportunity to build resilience, awareness, and trust in their own decision-making. We want to teach our children to trust in themselves—and in us as their guides.
On the other hand, let them explore too much, and you might find your kid making the wrong friends. He might “make friends” with a bear at the zoo, try to milk a tiger, or mistake a cobra for a jump rope. They may try to microwave a metal fork to “see what happens”, skateboard down the stairs, or “explore electricity” by poking outlets with keys. It starts with Fantasy Football, continues to same day Robin Hood stock trading, and ends in a full-blown gambling addiction. What just seemed like a nice sleepover party, turned into exploring desires, alcohol, or trying marijuana during teen years. A night walk with friends, and he is approached by a dealer, and soon, the child turns into a dealer, himself. (These are all common stories in my practice. I deal with them all.)
Both shielding and exploration have their place and time in effective parenting. It is not one or the other, but rather the right balance. It is more like holding a bird – you hold it too tight and you will crush the bird. You hold it too loose, and the bird will fly away. Both are important. Shielding provides the protection children need to develop strong values and avoid irreversible harm. Exploration, on the other hand, teaches independence and resilience.
The key to this delicate balance lies in understanding your child, the situation, and the risks involved. It involves first a deep awareness of all of the above, and only then, balancing the two approaches to provide both safety and growth opportunities.
If your teen is already breaking every rule, it does not help to give them more rules to shield them. In that circumstance, you might prefer adapting to the exploration approach in parenting, and focus on building a close enough relationship, that they might let you know things, and ask for your help, so they don’t get into more trouble.
In Parashat Shemot, we read about Moshe’s escape from Pharaoh and his encounter with the daughters of Yitro at the well: “Pharaoh heard of the matter and sought to kill Moshe, but Moshe fled from Pharaoh’s presence and settled in the land of Midian. He sat by the well. Now the priest of Midian (Yitro) had seven daughters who came and drew water to fill the troughs to water their father’s flock. The shepherds came and drove them away, but Moshe stood up and saved them and watered their flock. When they came to Reuel, (Yitro) their father, he said, ‘Why have you come home so quickly today?’ They replied, ‘An Egyptian man saved us from the shepherds, and he also drew water for us and watered the flock. He said to his daughters, “So where is he? Why have you left the man? Invite him, and let him eat bread.” (Shemot 2:15–19)
Moshe eventually agreed to stay with Yitro and married his daughter Tzipporah. However, the Torah uses a curious expression: “Moshe agreed to stay with the man, and he gave Tzipporah, his daughter, to Moshe.” (Exodus 2:21) Rashi explains the term “agreed” (“va’yo’el”) in two ways. One is that Moshe simply agreed. However, the second interpretation, based on Midrash, reveals something deeper: “‘Va’yo’el’ can mean ‘sworn.’ Moshe swore an oath to Yitro that he would not leave Midian without his permission.” This oath shaped Moshe’s later actions, that when Moshe wished to return to Egypt to lead the Jews, he first sought Yitro’s permission (Shemot 4:18): “Moshe went and returned to Yitro, his father-in-law, and said to him, ‘Let me go back to my brothers in Egypt to see if they are still alive.’ Yitro said to Moshe, ‘Go in peace.'”
The Mechilta brings a different explanation of the oath, an even more startling element, to this oath. It states that when Moshe sought to marry Tzipporah, Yitro imposed a condition: “When Moshe asked Yitro for Tzipporah’s hand in marriage, Yitro said, ‘You must accept one condition: the first son you have will be dedicated to idolatry; from the second onward, they will be dedicated to G-d.’ Moshe agreed and swore to this condition, as the verse states, ‘Va’yo’el Moshe.'” The choice of words of the pesukim, when explaining why Moshe named each child their name, also supports this. By Gershom, it says, אֲשֶׁ֨ר שֵׁ֤ם הָֽאֶחָד֙ גֵּֽרְשֹׁ֔ם כִּ֣י אָמַ֔ר גֵּ֣ר הָיִ֔יתִי בְּאֶ֖רֶץ נׇכְרִיָּֽה , Because he said, I was a stranger… However, by Eliezer it says, וְשֵׁ֥ם הָאֶחָ֖ד אֱלִיעֶ֑זֶר כִּֽי־אֱלֹהֵ֤י אָבִי֙ בְּעֶזְרִ֔י . There is an extra word by Gershom. The word, אמר, he said. Moshe said what he said to his father-in-law Yitro, that he agreed to his condition, only because he was a stranger in a foreign land.
This interpretation shocks the mind. It almost sounds ridiculous. Yitro, the father-in-law, pulls the classic “sign this prenup” move? “Sure, you can marry my daughter, but your firstborn son has to dabble in idolatry. You know, for educational purposes.” Didn’t Yitro, the priest, already leave idolatry behind, and was in excommunication by the Midianites for it? That was why no one wanted to marry his daughters, and all the shepherds would chase them away! And, how could Moshe, the chosen leader of our People, agree to such a condition? How could he permit his firstborn son to be dedicated to idolatry?
The Mechilta supports this interpretation by explaining the incident where G-d sought to kill Moshe at the inn (Shemot 4:24). The angel targeted Moshe because he had not circumcised his son, Gershom, not Eliezer, the younger son, as commonly understood. The Midrash implies that Gershom was uncircumcised due to the condition Moshe had accepted. The early Chassidic leader, the Chiddushei HaRim of Gur, upon hearing this Midrash, reportedly exclaimed: “I pledge my word that this is not the plain meaning! I cannot accept this as literal.” His student later recorded how passionately his teacher rejected the notion that Moshe would agree to such a condition, even if it was mentioned in the Midrash.
R’ Chaim Kanievsky explains, that the deal was, that Moshe would not convert Tzipporah until after their first child. Before the Torah was given, Moshe was still able to accept this, and be with Tzipporah before converting her. The gain that Yitro would have, then, would be that the child does not need to be circumcised, as he is not Jewish. This status of no circumcision, would classify the child as an Idol Worshipper.
Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz suggests that Yitro’s intention was for Gershom to arrive at the truth through self-discovery, just as Yitro himself had done. Yitro had a method to his madness. Having left idolatry after years of searching for the truth, Yitro believed the only way to truly commit to G-d was through personal discovery, seeing that there is nothing else that is true or real. Yitro’s intention was rooted in his philosophy of education. Yitro had abandoned idolatry after deeply investigating it and concluded that G-d is the ultimate truth. He believed in allowing his descendants to explore alternatives so they, too, could arrive at the truth independently. However, this approach entails risks. Not every individual who explores alternatives will ultimately choose truth.
Moshe, on the other hand, believed in an education that begins with absolute truth, as we are commanded to circumcise our children at the young age of 8 days, without letting them explore this decision on their own. The greatest symbol of unwavering commitment to a single path, is circumcision—a mitzvah performed at infancy, leaving no room for exploration of alternatives.
This debate, exploration versus shielding, shaped their agreement: the firstborn son, Gershom, would be educated according to Yitro’s method, while the second son, Eliezer, would follow Moshe’s path. By failing to circumcise Gershom, Moshe momentarily deferred his commitment to his own path, aligning with Yitro’s approach of self-discovery, and his promise to his father-in-law. However, this nearly cost him his life, until Tzipporah quickly circumcised Gershom, and forgave Moshe’s commitment to her father Yitro, going forward.
The Midrash teaches that Yitro’s method, while intellectually noble, carried risks. Even though it was just a temporary agreement on Moshe’s side, Gershom’s descendants eventually faltered. His grandson, Yonathan, is described in Shoftim as serving as a priest for idolatry, by Micha’s idol. The Talmud (Bava Batra 110a) explains that Yonathan misunderstood his grandfather Moshe’s teaching. When Moshe said, “One must not become a burden on others and should work, even if the work is beneath one’s dignity,” Yonathan mistakenly interpreted this as even taking on idolatrous service for sustenance.
It did not end there, either. Micha’s idol, was what inspired Yeravam Ben Nevat, and idol worship became rampant in the Land from Yeravam onward, which all started from Micha, and Yonatan the priest, who was none other than Moshe’s descendant.
It is so difficult to be a parent. Not only do we have to guide our children, we need to provide for them too. We have to provide for bills, shelter, clothes, education, health insurance, entertainment, camp and vacations, and with all that stress, still have the wisdom in how to guide them with the proper balance.
Set boundaries, but more importantly, emphasize values while allowing space for questions. Children want to explore alternatives when they don’t trust the truths you live by. Teach them the truth in such a way, that they won’t want to test the alternatives. But if they are testing alternatives, make sure you focus on upkeeping your relationship with them, no matter how hard it may be. Eventually the truths you live by, will be clear to your children. There will come a time when they will be done exploring. You want them, then, to have an accepting home to come back to.
