THE ART OF AVOIDING STICKY SITUATIONS
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THE ART OF AVOIDING STICKY SITUATIONS
A fight avoided, is a fight won. If you see trouble coming, cross the street.
Some people learn krav maga, and rely on their self-defense skills. Yet, even the best self-defense can’t help you if the other person has a gun.
Imagine this: A friend tries on a questionable outfit and asks, “Do I look good?” Honesty is important, but tact is priceless. Be tactful: “You always look great, but maybe the other outfit suits the occasion more.” This avoids hurting their feelings while gently steering them in the right direction.
Let’s take a lesson from the jungle: One day, the lion, the king of the jungle, asks the donkey: Lion: “How is my breath?” Donkey: “Honestly, your breath is horrible!” Angered by the insult, the lion eats the donkey on the spot. Later, the lion asks the wolf, who witnessed the poor donkey’s fate, the same question. Lion: “How is my breath?” Wolf: “Your breath is wonderful, Your Majesty!” The lion growls, “You’re lying!” and eats the wolf too. Finally, the lion asks the clever fox: Lion: “How is my breath?” Fox: “Your Majesty, I have Covid, I can’t smell a thing.”
The smartest move in a minefield is knowing where not to step.
Here are four real life scenarios. 1. You’re in the office, and a coworker starts venting about another colleague. They look to you for validation. Stay neutral, and redirect. “Oh, I haven’t noticed that. Anyway, what’s the update on the project?” 2. A family member/relative tries to drag you into a longstanding feud, asking, “Don’t you agree that they were wrong?” Acknowledge their feelings without taking sides. “I can see why you’re upset; it’s a tough situation.” You validate emotions without escalating the conflict or taking a side. 3. Someone drags you into a heated debate online, asking for your opinion. Politely, get out of it. “I think this is a topic best discussed in person—this Whatsapp chat, isn’t the best place for delicate topics.” 4. A friend asks to borrow money, but you know lending him will strain your relationship, as you are not sure he will pay back. Decline with empathy. “I’m not in a position to lend right now, but I can help you brainstorm other options.” Avoid resentment while offering support in a non-financial way.
The sages implemented laws to avoid situations of Yichud between men and women. The intent is to prevent anything inappropriate, or appearance of something inappropriate. Yosef exemplified this when he fled Potiphar’s wife. Despite the incriminating evidence—his coat in her hands—Yosef knew better than to reenter the room to retrieve it. Sticky situations are never worth the risk, even for a moment.
In Parashat Vayechi, we learn one of the most profound self-help lessons: the art of avoiding sticky situations. When Yaakov fell ill, they came and informed Yosef, saying: “Behold, your father is ill” (Genesis 48:1). This is perplexing. How could Yosef not have known about his father’s illness? Surely Yosef, being a devoted son, would have visited his father frequently to honor and care for him.
The Midrash explains: “This informs us of Yosef’s righteousness, as he did not wish to be alone with his father.” For the 17 years that Yosef lived with his father in Egypt, Yosef never allowed himself to be alone with him. Why? The Midrash continues: “So that Yaakov would not ask him, ‘What did your brothers do to you?’ and end up cursing them.” Yosef reasoned: “I know the righteousness of my father—every word he speaks becomes a decree. Didn’t he tell Lavan, ‘With whomever you find your gods, they shall not live,’ and my mother died as a result? Shall I now risk him cursing my brothers? If he curses them, he may destroy the entire world, for the world was created for the sake of the 12 Tribes of Israel!” (Pesikta Rabbati Chapter 3)
Therefore, Yosef avoided being alone with his father at all costs. He kept busy, avoiding any situation where his father would be able to ask him What happened? Who did this to you? As a result, Yaakov never learned about the sale of Yosef by his brothers—not even in his final days.
For 17 years, Yosef refrained from being alone with his father. What an extraordinary act of self-restraint by Yosef!!! After being separated from his father, Yaakov, for 22 long years, Yosef is finally reunited with him. Their love was an indescribable bond between father and son. Yet, Yosef made a remarkable decision. For 17 years, he never once allowed himself to be alone with him. Why? To avoid the burning question “What happened to you? How did you end up in Egypt?” 17 years of self-restraint to avoid any sticky situations!
Once you open up the Pandora box, you have no idea what is going to come out. Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can only be forgiven, not forgotten. As Mark Twain said, Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
When someone asks you, “How old do you think I am?”, make sure you know how to answer that. To flatter, here are two answers. 1. Whatever age you are, subtract 10 for how you look. 2. I don’t know, but I’m definitely older than you. 3. You look like you’ve mastered the perfect age!
Sometimes laughter is the best self defense. 1. Don’t worry, you’re younger than you’ll be tomorrow. 2. Whatever your age is, it’s the perfect time for a midlife crisis. 3. I feel like you were at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. 4. You’re from the future, aren’t you?
When your neighbor proudly shows you their newborn and asks, “Isn’t she adorable?”, you have to know what to say. When your kid loudly points at someone in public and says, “Why is that man so fat?” You have to know what to say. (Maybe whisper back, “He’s actually storing up for the winter… like a bear.”)
When Moshe was tasked by G-d to take the Jews out of Egypt, he hesitated because his brother Aharon was already their leader. Moshe avoided a sticky situation that might make Aharon uncomfortable. Similarly, Aharon delayed the creation of the Golden Calf, avoiding direct confrontation until Moshe returned.
The best way to climb out of a hole is to never fall in. Peace isn’t found in fixing the chaos; it’s in not inviting it in the first place.
