english PESACH
AN ONLY CHILD
The Haggadah sings every year on the Seder night :כנגד ארבעה בנים דברה תורה : אחד חכם אחד רשע אחד תם ואחד שאינו יודע לשאול .The Torah referred to telling the story of the Exodus to four sons. One, the wise son. One, the evil son. One, the simple son. And one who doesn’t know how to ask the four questions of the Seder night by himself… Why does the Haggadah say one, one, one, one. Just say smart, evil, simple and one who does not know how to ask? Another question. The Haggadah says that since this evil son makes it sound as if the whole story of the Exodus has nothing to do with him, knock out his teeth. If we do that, we may risk losing the son. He will never come back to the Seder for another year. And, despite our having knocked out his teeth, every year he still comes back, and every year he gets another few teeth knocked out. (He has probably learnt to come with fake teeth by now.) Why are we not afraid to lose him? And why does he keep coming back?
The answer is a lesson for parenting. A father can be either a biological father, who is technically a father, without the emotional traits expected of him. He just happens to be the kid’s father. Or, he can be a father with the character traits appropriate to a parent. Fathers who are successful have secrets that make them successful . One secret that makes a father successful is that he looks at each child as his only child. Not just that the child is part of a group of kids. Or that the child must fit into a mold of the “Family’s Way”. Each child has his own way. Each child is writing his own life biography. If a father can be like this, respecting each child as if he is his own entity, with his own successes in life, his own opinions in life… then such a child will never leave his father. And this is the secret of the Haggadah in parenting . One, One , One , One. And even if, at times, the parent sees that his evil son needs to be punished, and the boy is severely punished, he will be back next year. For he knows that in his father’s eyes, no one can replace him.
We are taught (Shabbat 10b ) that a person should never act differently (and show favor) to one child over the other. For just a few threads that Yaakov added to the cloak of Yosef, more than was added to the cloak of the brothers, they envied him to no end. The result of this was that our forefathers went down to Egypt and suffered the bitter 210 years of slavery there….
Tosefot asks, how can the Talmud blame the whole slavery in Egypt on this parenting mistake of Yaakov? Weren’t we supposed to go down to Egypt anyway, and be enslaved because of the 400 years decreed on Avraham at the Brit Ben Habetarimועבדום וענו אותם … (Breishit 15)? Was there not a decree on Avraham, establishing a period of 400 years during which his sons would not be able to live in the Land of Israel? Tosefot answers that the decree could have been fulfilled through his descendants, in that they were constantly on the go. גר יהיה זרעך בארץ לא להם From the time of Yitzchak, although our Forefather’s were given the Holy Land, they were not accepted by its inhabitants. This alone could have been a fulfillment of the decree. And the 400 years actually did start with the birth of Yitzchak. Still, the Talmud teaches us that all the bitter exile of having to go down and be slaves in Egypt was due to a parenting mistake of Yaakov. He favored one son over the other.
It has been said that the reason why we bring the karpas כרפס to the seder table is because it is a reminder of the כתונת פסים ( כר cloth פס stripe ) that Yaakov added to his son Yosef. (see Rashi on the passuk ועשה לו כתונת פסים . Rashi refers to the words כרפס ותכלת from M. Esther.) We dip it in the חרוסת to remind us of the ten tribes dipping Yosef’s cloak in the goat’s blood. This was the cause of our slavery.
Now, Yaakov Avinu, of course, was not the type of father that makes parenting mistakes. (Even Leah, who was called שנואה in comparison to Rachel, felt Yaakov’s favoritism for her sister only through Ruach Hakodesh. Not from Yaakov.) Our Rabbis tell us that Yaakov made ketonot (cloaks) for the rest of his sons, as well. He made them stripes with the same material of Argaman. The only difference was that for Yosef, this material of Argaman (purple dyed wool) went all the way down to the end of the sleeve (cuff) of the cloak.(see Rashi on Shabbat 10b ; B. Rabbah) It was just a difference of 2 סלעים , 20 gram of material, a minute difference. And, Yosef, who was smarter than his brothers and to whom Yaakov taught all the Torah that he had learnt at Yeshivat Shem VaEver, created a unique relationship with his father. They were very close, much closer than the other brothers were to Yaakov. Yosef did lose his mother. And the brothers of Yosef were greater tzaddikim than any we had ever known. Yaakov must have believed that there were enough variables here that Yosef’s brothers would not take this personally. Still, just giving one child more, a drop more, a few more purple strings that went down to the sleeve, was enough to be considered THE parenting mistake of our nation. This caused the other brothers to feel, at the time, that they were just “the brothers”…
Avraham Avinu, the father of our nation, displayed this fatherliness trait as well. When G-d asked him to offer his beloved, special son up on the altar, את בנך את יחידך אשר אהבת, את יצחק – he asked G-d which beloved son. Which special, unique son, Yitzchak or Yishmael. Until finally, G-d had to tell him that He was referring to his son, Yitzchak. This is after the Torah said that Yishmael had sinned the three cardinal sins. ותרא שרה את בן הגר המצרית אשר ילדה לאברהם מצחק There is supposed to be a special place in the heart of a father for each and every child. No matter what path the child takes, each child is an only child in his own way.
I always wondered why Rachel Imeinu got the title of being the mother of the Jewish Nation, more than Leah. I heard this idea in the name of R’ Pam.קול ברמה נשמע ..מאנה להנחם על בניה כי איננו… Mother Rachel cries in the Heavens, not willing to be consoled over her children that are not at home, Eretz Yisroel, physically and spiritually… Let us get down to the singular/plural rule of the Hebrew language. מאנה להנחם על בניה כי איננו She refuses to be consoled over her sons (plural ) for he(singular) is not there. Why the switch?
The reason why Rachel is the mother of the Jewish nation is that although she cries for the Jewish Nation as a whole, for their being in a physical and spiritual exile, she sheds a special tear for each and every one of her children. This is the way we hold on to our children. By letting them feel that we love each and every one of them with a unique love for who they are. Each one has his own purpose in life. And just as it is ridiculous to love one finger more than the other fingers of the hand, for each has its own purpose, it is senseless to love one child more than the other.
LONG TERM MEMORY
Everybody knows at least some of the mitzvot of Passover: clearing out the chametz from one’s home, eating matzah, and reciting the haggadah are mitzvot even some of the most assimilated Jews keep on some level. Less known, however, is the reason we perform all of these mitzvot: zecher leyitziat mitzrayim (remembering the miracles G-d did for our ancestors when He redeemed them from Egypt).
The Torah provides us with mitzvot in order to “joggle our memories.” But should we really need such assistance? True, the exodus happened 3,325 years ago – but could any Jew ever forget such a monumental part of our history?
For many of us, in 2013, it is difficult to relate to the emancipation of an Egyptian slave on a personal level. The freedom our ancestors felt at that moment has been forgotten over generations of persecution and trial. Still, we are obligated by the Torah to find a way to relate to that feeling of freedom , making it eminently relevant for us, so that it will stay emblazoned on our hearts and stay in our memory forever.
Even if one has a bad memory, who could ever forget his wedding day, or the moment one of his children was born? This is because we remember things which are personal and important to us. Apparently, especially in our high-speed generation, we need to put in effort to make this ancient memory relevant. We need a way to make this feeling of freedom personal.
There is another factor which makes our task of feeling the redemption from Egypt even harder. At the moment of the exodus, we were a nation in the desert without a homeland. It wasn’t until 40 years later that the Jewish Nation miraculously captured the land of Canaan and drove out the seven nations who lived there. There is no religious Jewish holiday to commemorate the miraculous victory and inheritance of the land of Israel, our national homeland. On Passover, then, we are celebrating the fact that we went from being slaves to being a homeless People in the desert! How is this supposed to elicit feelings of freedom?
The answer is deep. G-d created man with the ability to choose, a deep desire for freedom of choice. Although we are commanded to do good, still, G-d gave man the gift of freewill and choice. Since this is part of the fabric of how we were created, people who do not have freedom of choice feel miserable. Today, Fortune 400 business advisors suggests that employers give options to their employees instead of only giving orders, because a person thrives when given the opportunity to use this freedom of choice. When a parent gives a child different positive options from which to choose, the child is less likely to feel animosity toward the parent. People who have been denied the opportunity to exercise free will are rebelling against their governments. Many would rather die for a belief or lifestyle which they choose than live without freedom of choice.
Passover is a holiday of free choice. The Jews in Egypt were denied the freedom of choice, robbing them of the ability to serve G-d. This was the most difficult part of their servitude. On the 15th of Nissan, each Egyptian Jew took his wife and children and left Egypt, walking into a barren desert on foot, with just one set of clothes and no plan for procuring food and water, while the burning sun beat down on him. Still, his joy knew no bounds. Finally, he could do what he wanted to do; every Jew, deep down, wants to serve his Creator and serve his purpose in this world. We were ready to choose and accept the Torah at Mount Sinai. On that day, we didn’t even care if we had a land to go to. We were happy just to be ourselves, and we understood the importance of our freedom of choice. This joy can be celebrated by a Jew, even in exile. Even if he is not at his homeland, he can still choose who he wants to serve.
It might be difficult for a citizen in Western culture to relate to concepts of slavery or dictatorship. From the signing of the Declaration of Independence in the United States in 1776, a new era began. The success of America was its discovery of the power that free choice gives. Control techniques of other nations simply went out of style. Many of us forgot what slavery looks or feels like. However, even in the 21st Century, people serve all different “masters” and addictions such as materialism and digitalism. Digital addiction and cell phones fog up family time. Many people can’t free themselves from these addictions. We must realize this and get back our free choice or at least a feeling of freedom, on the holiday of Passover.
There is an Armani perfume advertisement which says, “It’s not about being noticed; it’s about being remembered.” This Passover, instead of us just “noticing” an event in ancient Jewish history, we can merit “remembering” our freedom of choice as a Jew and relive the experience. Remember that we can make a choice as to how to live, and that we are free to choose to live a life of serving G-d.
