ENGLISH MISHPATIM 2013
AVALANCHE OF HATE
How many people can you count that you just “do not get along with”? (Try and count.) You feel tense when you picture them in your mind. Thoughts of distrust, no openness start to flood your thinking about these people. Some relationships that we are not happy with cause us to lose out on big opportunities, stress us out, and can occupy most of our emotions and thoughts. This happens between close friends. Between brothers and sisters. Between parents and their children. And, between husband and wife. In this article I would like to stop the “train of thoughts”, and not let it run over our life.
In our parasha, we are taught something important about hatred. כי תראה חמור שנאך רבץ תחת משאו וחדלת מעזב לו עזב תעזב עמו. When you see your enemy’s donkey collapsing under his burden, and you refrain from helping him unload (the heavy weight), you must help him. – The Talmud explains this passuk. (Pesachim 113b) We are not allowed to hate someone for no reason,לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך (Vayikra 19). What enemy, then, are we talking about? The Talmud teaches that this passuk is talking about a person that you, and you alone, know has committed an immoral sin and has not yet repented. He is referred to as “your enemy” and, according to the Torah, this person (a sinner), is the only person you are permitted to hate. The Talmud writes (Baba Metzia 32b) that this passuk is telling us that there is a greater mitzvah to help not just anybody but specifically this person that you hate! If you have two people you can help, one that you know sinned and one that you get along with, the mitzvah is to help the one that sinned. Tosefot (in Pesachim) asks, why is there a Mitzvah to help this guy that there is a Mitzvah to hate?
Tosefot answers that if you start snubbing him, then he will begin to hate you, which he is not permitted to do, for you did not sin. You are now causing him to sin. He is going to hate you because that is human nature, as King Solomon explains, כמים פנים אל פנים כן לב האדם לאדם like water (that reflects the expression of someone who peers into it) are faces one to another, and so is the heart of man (in reflecting the feelings). (Mishlei 27). So this guy will stop smiling at you, stop being friendly to you, and then you will begin to really hate him, now, and not for sin alone. At this point you start finding other things to hate about him. So, in order to avoid this downward spiral of hate, one must make sure to show love and care whenever possible, so that the hatred does not exceed the permitted boundaries. That is the pshat, the explanation of this passuk.
An observant Jew does not have a choice – do you want your relationship to improve, or not? The Torah does not give us an option to hate someone, except in the event that he sinned. And even then, the permitted boundary of that hatred is that it be limited to the action of the sin committed and not extended to the person himself. If we do not grow in relationships that have the potential for growth, we must ask ourselves if the underlying cause can be that we hate the person in ways that we are not allowed to.
King David , who had valid reason to hate said ,יתמו חטאים מן הארץ may the sins be terminated from the land and not, יתמו חוטאים מן הארץ may the sinners be terminated from the land. The sinners are not to be cursed or hated; their sins are to be hated. (Berachot 10 a, Tehillim 104) There is a significant distinction between the two, and the Torah makes a point of bringing it to our attention. The Torah requires us to go out of our way to show that we have nothing against the fellow himself, but only against his actions.
In hatred, little things become big things. The reason for this is that hatred is self-propelling. Once there is just one reason to get upset with someone, justified or not, a person can make a sour face. Then, the recipient of the sour face will return it to its source, like a reflection in water, which leads to strife. Although the original cause that ignited the friction may have been minute, as it rolls from feeling to feeling, and from grudge to grudge, before you know it the “hate avalanche” of animosity has picked up so much velocity that nothing can stand in its way to save the relationship. We must ask ourselves how much of our hatred is due to the “hatred avalanche” and how much is actually a result of “sin” or the reason that initiated the hatred. (Many times, that original reason is not really basis for hatred, either). We must ask ourselves if there is any stress-free, (real and justified) reason to continue hating the object of our hatred.
People say – I just want to end this relationship. Sometimes that is possible. But many, many times, we are not ending the relationship, but building one of hate in its place. This is because when we stopped speaking to a brother or a parent, we did not end the relationship. We just turned our backs.
The root of nearly all hatred in relationships is because we play the “blame game”. In a fight, especially in marriage, we either blame the other person or we blame ourselves, but we insist that there must be someone to blame. Someone has to be right. And someone has to be guilty and wrong. Whoever we blame, in the end, ourselves or the other party, the relationship will not be fun. The only way to stop the avalanche and start to get a grip is to stop blaming ourselves or the other party, and start changing the actions that are causing the strife. Kind David taught us – יתמו חטאים ולא חוטאים . May the sins be terminated and not may the sinners be terminated… It is much easier to get along with people by taking his advice .
3D LISTENING
Early one morning, I sat down next to my study partner, who was acting pretty strangely. He had one eye closed and was looking with his open eye at his hands, as he slowly moved them toward and away from one another. I asked him what on earth he was doing. He told me that someone taught him this cool, 3D trick. “When someone looks with only one eye, he cannot perceive depth clearly. With two eyes open, one can see 3D and notice depth of the different items that are in his field of vision. One eye alone does not give you depth. I closed one eye and am moving my hands to see if I can notice which one is farther away than the other.” Oh. I tried it myself, and I saw that it actually works! Now, there were two weirdoes in the study hall, with one eye closed, moving their hands around!
This was interesting to me. My eyes came across an interesting Midrash this week that gives a new dimension of depth to our everyday lives. The Torah forbids causing pain to the orphan and widow. If you will cause him pain, then he will cry out to me, and I will surely hear his cry. שמוע אשמע צעקתו (Shemot 22:22). We are taught that, “The way of mortals is that they cannot listen to the cries of two people who are crying simultaneously. With the Creator of the World, on the other hand, it is not like that. Even if all the people of the world were to cry out to Him at once, he could and would listen to their cries…” (Yalkut Tehillim 783)
This, of course, does not mean that human beings cannot hear two sounds at once. Although all the sounds may be heard, the meanings behind each sound cannot be interpreted or understood simultaneously. One must listen with his heart in order to hear the true meaning behind a voice, and the underlying message it wishes to convey. We all have only one heart, and if it is divided between two different subjects at once, then neither one will get our undivided attention. Humans cannot give their attention to two different cries and hear them both with their entire essence, with their whole heart, at the same time. G-d, on the other hand, can listen to all the cries of the universe and contemplate each one’s deeper meaning at the same moment.
We have two eyes instead of one for the purpose of seeing and understanding depth. I believe G-d gave us two ears to teach us a similar lesson. There are many things we hear, but to listen in depth, in a dimension that is somewhat 3D, is an entirely different type of listening. To feel the underlying message in the words and the perspective behind it is different from just hearing sound and understanding it on a superficial level. We have two ears, and we can hear a lot of noises at once; but we can only listen to one at a time. Only one sound can be understood in depth. Only one person can be listened to at a time. We have only one heart. And when we are listening to a person when our heart is not exclusively concentrating on him, then that person is not properly listened to, nor is what he really meant to say really understood. He is just “noise”. He will feel that he did not have the heart to heart connection with us which he sought and needed.
At age two, we learn how to talk. At the age five/six, we learnt how to read and write. We are never taught how to listen. We hear sounds. Hearing is basically an involuntary action. When a sound is made, we hear it, whether we choose to or not. In contrast, listening is different: listening enlists the attention, which we voluntarily direct to what can be heard. If done properly, listening can even be tiring. When we are careful not to interrupt or answer a question before the person speaking is finished, we show him respect. We express to him – without words of explanation – that we consider it important to listen to his underlying message. Most people are too busy to stop and listen: a father to his family members, a friend to his acquaintances. Because we are focused on too many things, we often cannot attune our ears to what is sometimes the most important subject in our lives. The only way to devote the necessary attention to issues that are truly important is by scheduling time for each thing and relating to each question, directing our whole focus to one thing at a time.
We find this in regard to the slave mentioned in the beginning of the parasha. The Jewish slave must have his ear pierced for wanting to remain in slavery under his Jewish master following the Shemitta year. Rashi explains that the ear, specifically, as opposed to any other organ, is pierced, for it heard at Mt.Sinai the words “You shall not steal”, and the ear did not heed the injunction. After this thief got caught and could not replace the goods he had stolen, he sold himself into slavery in order to get funds to reimburse the theft. G-d also said at Mt. Sinai “…because Israel is for Me as slaves”: instead of recognizing HaShem as his Master, he went and got himself a human master. He did not use his ears properly, listening actively and understanding the meaning of HaShem’s message. (Rashi from Midrashim)
We can now understand this in a completely new light. The Jewish slave who decided to stay under his master said, in effect, that he wanted two masters. The reason why specifically the ear that did not listen is pierced, and not the hand that stole, is because this slave can never be a good slave. He can never listen to his mortal master, because he has another Master. And he can never listen to his Master in heaven, because he has a mortal master, who also gives orders. This is why one ear is pierced: to be a good servant, one has to be a good listener, in order to understand the meaning behind his master’s words. This is the message of two ears. This servant can never properly listen. He can only hear.
R’ Moshe Shapiro, shlita, was quoted as saying that a person is either in the state of Ein od Milvado (there is nothing in the world other than Hashem), or in the state of Ein Od Milvadi (there is nothing other than me).We are always serving – either G-d, others or ourselves. One can be a slave to only one of these masters at a time.
UNITED I STAND
Hashem commanded Moshe to take the consensus of the Jewish nation by having every Jew – rich and poor– give exactly half a shekel. The reason for this seemingly strange method of counting was because it is forbidden to count Jews directly. We are taught that doing so can bring a plague. Also, by donating half a shekel to the Mishkan, the Jews would achieve atonement. One may wonder why this atonement was necessary.
One explanation is that this atonement was to counterbalance the coins that Haman would, generations later, give to King Achashverosh. The Ba’al Haturim learns this from the last letters of the words in Parashat Shekalim, “מבן עשרים שנה”, which spell “Haman”, backwards. It seems that there is a connection between the half shekel in the time of the Mishkan and the miraculous salvation which took place on Purim, centuries later.
There is another question that is commonly asked: why were the Jewish people commanded to give only a half a shekel, and not a whole one? The Noam Elimelech explains that the half shekel leads a person to be aware of the fact that he always has plenty of room for further growth – he’s not yet “whole”. The Chida suggests, in the name of Rav Shlomo Alcabetz, that one must realize that he always needs others in order to work toward his own perfection.
We must first understand why counting Jews leads to a plague: When one counts Jews, each one has to be counted individually, in order to make a total sum. One standing alone is not a good thing. When we are together, we are considered a unit; all the mitzvoth of all the individuals are accredited to the group as a whole; a person standing by himself has his merit, alone, to speak for him. That was the power of Haman’s words to Achashverosh, “ישנו עם אחד מפוזר ומפורד …” – “There is one nation, scattered and separate…” To counteract this, on Purim we do mitzvoth that bring us together – giving Mishloach Manot and Matanot La’evyonim.
A lack of unity is not a problem in its own right: it’s a symptom. Disunity results from individuals being egocentric and self-centered. Only when a person realizes that he is no more than a half can he consider others as part of his life. Egocentricity is an obstacle not only to unity, but also to happiness. This is the connection between Parashat Shekalim, which stresses our need for others in order to realize our full potential, and the community mitzvoth in the month of Adar, on Purim.
In Mishlei, Shlomo Hamelech writes “לתאוה יבקש נפרד” – Disunity is brought about by physical desires. This was the case in the beginning of the Megilla, when Jews went to Achashverosh’s elaborate, ostentatious party. By indulging themselves in physical pleasures, they became ready candidates for divisiveness and estrangement from one another. This constituted an invitation for Haman to make such a tragically accurate statement about Jewish disunity. Haman knew all too well that as long as one focuses on requiting his desires, he can’t see anyone other than himself, and unity becomes unattainable.
When someone has problems in his relationships with others, the cause is, usually, something within himself. By learning to respect others, one can stop focusing on himself. This is why even after the Torah commands everyone to bring half a shekel, it repeats that even a rich man should not give more than this. When a rich man gives a big check to charity, he can easily be led to feel that he is “worth” more than those who donate much smaller sums, if anything at all. By requiring each and every person to give precisely the same sum, the Torah teaches us that we have a common denominator, a level at which we are all exactly the same. When a person recognizes that even he is just one number out of the sum total, he will learn to focus on others as much as on himself.
Shabbat Shalom , Yosef Farhi
rabbiyoseffarhi@gmail.com 0527679186 IN LOVING MEMORY OF SHMUEL BEN RACHEL HAKOHEN A”H
