THE ART OF PARENTING
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THE ART OF PARENTING
Parenting is one of the most rewarding yet humbling experiences. As much as we’d like to believe that our love and guidance will shape our children exactly as we envision, life has its own plans. Parenting is about the process, not guaranteed outcomes. Even great parents don’t always see their dreams for their children fulfilled.
So how do we survive the long haul? One parent told me how he feels about parenting. Parenting is like running a marathon… except there’s no finish line, and you’re carrying everyone’s stuff. Whenever I give my kid a look that he should be giving me a helping hand, he gives me a look like he is already retired. A second parent, The only nachat I have from my children is when they are sleeping. A third parent, Parenting is not a full-time job. Its more like overtime with no coffee breaks. Going to the supermarket is the only way I get some me time, it is my “spa day”.
So how do we deal with this? Two options. Chocolate and Laughter. If laughter does not help, reach out for more chocolate. One parent said, My kid asked me what’s for dinner. I responded, ‘Whatever you’re cooking!’ The look of betrayal was priceless. So I reached for some more chocolate.
There is a third option though. When you stop expecting your kid to be a mini-you, they’ll surprise you by being their best them. Don’t prescribe the nachas your children should give you, and they will amaze you with the nachas they will come up with. If you love them as they are, they’ll grow into who they’re meant to be. Your job isn’t to mold your child; it’s to discover them. Kids aren’t projects to complete; they’re humans to cherish. Your kids don’t need you to be the perfect parent. They need you to be the present parent. Parenting isn’t about controlling the outcome; it’s about enjoying the ride.
Parenting is a long game. Its long, because it is infinite unconditional trust and love, endless second chances, and hugs that we show that nothing in the world will ever stand in between the hearts of a parent and a child. A home is not a place of boundaries and rules for the sake of control, a home is not a factory to create the perfect child. Instead, the boundaries and rules of the home are just there to make it a safe place to plant seeds that bear fruit in ways we never expect—or even see.
All the rules and boundaries Yitzhak had in his home did not suffice to throw out an Esav. We don’t know more about any test that Yitzhak had in life, more than his test in parenting. Never giving up on a child who from the very womb, wanted to serve idols. As our Rabbis teach, that when Rivka was pregnant with the twins, Yaakov and Esav, Esav would try jumping out, to run to the Houses of Idol Worship. That was his nature. Although Yitzhak may have brought up Esav the wrong way, trying to bring him up like a Yaakov in the beginning, as the passuk says ויגדלו הנערים, but Yitzhak switched his parenting method to one of love and acceptance, once he saw that the regular way wasn’t working. (R Shimshon R. Hirsh)
Yitzhak never gave up on Esav’s potential, even when Esav did not grow up to be a Yaakov. From a parenting perspective, this might seem like a failure—but it wasn’t. This always bothered me. So what did all the parenting unconditional love help Yitzhak with his son Esav, if he never turned around? All this twisted parenting, didn’t twist any children!!!
The answer is that our influence as parents may not manifest in the way we expect, or even within our own child. It could skip a generation, or emerge in a critical moment. You see, Esav has a child Elifaz. Being that Esav was always around Yitzhak’s home, Elifaz, Esav’s son, had a religious Grandpa to learn from, Grandpa Yitzhak! Now, not much came out of Elifaz either, as a matter of fact, he was the father of Amalek, the nation that is G-d’s sworn enemy. But there was one circumstance, that Elifaz had a test, which was well worth all of Yitzhak’s patience with Esav, which played out in that critical moment in history. When Yaakov ran away from Esav, Esav sent his son Elifaz after Yaakov to kill him. When Elifaz caught up with Yaakov, he didn’t kill him, Elifaz couldn’t go through with it. Influenced by the moral lessons he had absorbed through his connection to his grandfather, Yitzchak, Elifaz chose mercy. He spared Yaakov’s life and instead took his wealth, leaving Yaakov impoverished, to fulfill his father’s command symbolically. This is why when met Rachel he cried on her shoulders, that he came empty handed, not like Eliezer came to get Rivka, with all of Avraham’s wealth. This is why Yaakov said, that he crossed the Jordan river with just his staff, because all that he had, Elifaz took. Elifaz knew, that a poor man is considered dead, especially to his father Esav. This decision of Elifaz not to kill Yaakov, rooted in Yitzchak’s values, ultimately preserved Yaakov’s destiny and changed the course of history. It is why we are here right now, reading this article.
Yitzchak’s love to Esav planted seeds that sprouted in an unexpected way: in Esav’s son, Elifaz. That is what Jewish parenting really is, it is just planting seeds, seeds that sometimes need to rot, before they will one day, sprout into something significant. This parenting style might seem disheartening, but the story of Elifaz reminds us that parenting is about planting seeds that bear the most unexpected fruit, not controlling outcomes. Yitzchak’s love didn’t transform Esav into a Yaakov, but it did ensure that the legacy of morality and compassion lived on through Elifaz. Even if your child doesn’t follow the path you hope for, the seeds of love and values you plant can influence future generations, save lives, and change the world in ways you may never see.
You have to trust the Long Game of Parenting. The game begins with letting go of ego in parenting. Let go of the ego that says, “My child’s choices reflect my success.” The long game of parenting is one of faith, humility, and trust in the ripple effects of your love.
